How to Be a Woman
by FlashLight1
Summary: Tony accidentally has sex with Loki, and to his dismay, gets turned into a female version of himself. What's worse is that Loki also took the liberty of turning his AI into a human being. They separate from the team for a moment, but sooner or later they will find out about the changes. Another problem is that Jarvis is fucking hot, and Tony now has female hormones.
1. Transformation

Tony Stark had lost most of his memory of what happened last night.

He was comfortably lying on his bed, with his pillows displaced on the floor and near his foot. His blanket was barely covering his body.

The man stirred into consciousness and started stretching slowly, hearing the loud crackling noises his spine made. As he stretched, his right hand touched something warm.

Apparently he wasn't alone in bed.

"Shit", he muttered under his breath. Tony quickly grabbed his silk blanket, and looked under it. Yup. Both of them were definitely naked. And wow, he had no memory of bringing in such a sexy brunette.

Tony wrapped the blanket around his waist and slowly made his way to the coffee maker. "Jarvis", he called out. "Care to refresh my memory? Who is this bombshell and why can't I recall the event?"

Jarvis made a weird, metallic sighing sound. "Your memory loss was expected sir. I do recall warning you exactly 13 times about this particular woman, but your stubbornness made you deaf somehow."

"Well, stop sass mouthing me and explain", he asked in a frustrated tone. "Who the hell is this woman and why can't I remember having sex with her? Answer the second question first. No, answer this first. Based on your observation, did she reach my standards?" He wore a smug look on his face.

The metallic sigh came again. "Yes sir, your heart rate and temperature increased at unbelievable rates during the intercourse. But I highly doubt that you'd want to do it again."

Tony wore a serious face. "I'm unattached, J. I can do it with whomever I want, as many times as I can."

Despite the first few years of a smooth sailing relationship with Pepper, they ended up breaking up one early summer. They started to drift apart, mostly because Tony was busy with the Avengers, and because Pepper was always out, going to different countries and trying to run Stark's company. Their break up didn't end up in a fight though. They mostly talked and tried to understand the argument of each side, and they shared one last hug, a hug that Tony still lingers on.

At first he felt okay, but then she found someone who was almost always there for her, and that's when things started to fall apart for him. Tony still had feelings for her though, which made things worse.

"...besides, I only get to enjoy rarely since Fury's always up in my ass. Why can't a guy like me live like a free bachelor for a few weeks?" He closed in on his beloved coffee maker.

"It's probably because you are not a free bachelor sir. Director Fury and the Captain have you in chains."

Tony's nose scrunched up. He grabbed a mug and filled it with black coffee. "Don't say it that way J, it sounds kinky. Anyway, do you have records on this woman? Was she sent to assassinate me or something?"

There was a long pause. Tony hated it when Jarvis takes long pauses. "I do have records of him sir. It was stated in his file that among his other capabilities, he has the ability to shapeshift into any form using magic."

"Magic? Like Thor and his Norse buddies?" He paused, and it took him 5 seconds to fully digest what Jarvis was saying. "Wait, him?!"

"Not Thor nor his acquaintances. And yes sir, him. According to the data I've gathered, the magic has exactly the same energy patterns as the one used by Thor's brother."

Tony let go of the mug. The crashing sound instantly woke the third entity in the room, and Jarvis metallically sighed once more. "Sir, I am 100% certain that you have just had intercourse with Loki Laufeyson."

The man's face turned to all certain shades of red, and at one point purple. He turned to the woman who was now smiling the way a psychopath would after he had committed something unforgivable. "So, you're telling me that this woman is Loki, and I just had sex with him."

Loki replied instead of Jarvis, with the voice of an Asgardian woman. "Were you not pleased with my performance, tin man?"

"You fucking bastard."

Tony carefully eyed the naked woman on the bed, the one Jarvis claims to be Loki. She sat in a very seductive manner, which made Tony curse his raging male hormones. His mind was racing with questions, but mostly he was humiliated by the "satisfying sex" which he cannot remember experiencing.

He stomped all the way to the bed while keeping a straight face. Loki's smile was getting wider as Tony closed in. "I do not get why you are upset, Man of Iron. Did you not moan out of pure pleasure last night? I do recall you getting very intimate - "

Tony forcefully choked her/him on the neck while having a strong grip on the blanket he had around his hips. "Now you listen carefully Loki. Jarvis can call up the Capsicle in less than a second and I swear if you do anything stupid I'll make sure your brother will come and beat your sorry ass with his hammer." Tony forcefully pushed him backwards towards the bed. He had to look as if he had the upper hand, since he literally was equipped with nothing, not even clothes.

Loki just smirked, and started to change back to his original form, and this time with clothes. He brought both of his hands up, only slightly. "Oh my, I feel very threatened", he mockingly replied, with his own voice. "What's the matter, Tony? Are you that embarrassed of our actions - "

A strong punch fell on the god's nose, making Loki blast a strong force of magic which disoriented the billionaire, who clung desperately to the only cloth that hid his manhood. Loki swiftly stood with his head held high and looked at the confused man.

The Norse god chuckled. "It would have been better if you were this fierce last night." Tony rolled his eyes, yet still felt the heat of embarrassment on his face. Loki started feeling the sharp pain on his nose, making him wince.

"How dare you strike a god! You are most certainly... How do you petty beings phrase it?" Loki grabbed Tony by the hair and whispered in his ear. "Ah yes. You are most certainly getting on my nerves - "

A shock wave hit Loki hard on his back, causing him to stumble on top of Tony. Loki's face was turning crimson, due to both humiliation and rage. "Why do I keep getting interrupted?!"

Tony did not like having the god of mischief thrown over his body. "Damn it Jarvis, try to hit him from a different direction!"

The AI controlled the newly installed blasters on the ceiling and locked on to Loki. Before it started shooting, Loki created a ball of magic, whose energy patterns were new to Jarvis, and directed it to Tony, throwing him towards the window. The blasters started shooting highly compressed sound waves but the god was able to make himself disappear in less than a second.

"Sir! Are you alright?!" The AI seemed to sound worried, but all he could do was monitor his vitals. Heart rate increased by 20%, but other than that, there were no apparent abnormalities. The man was sprawled out on the floor, with his blanket covering every inch of him, giving Jarvis not much to look at. He hasn't sensed any serious injuries though.

"Sir, shall I notify Captain Rogers?"

No answer came from under the blanket.

Despite the relatively normal vitals, Jarvis noticed that there was something strange happening to his master at both the cellular and tissue levels of his body. Change was drastically happening, but he could not pinpoint what.

"Sir, please wake up. Your vitals show that you are nowhere near death but Mr. Laufeyson has seemed to induce certain biological modifications which I have no control over."

The AI was arguing with himself on whether he should call Fury or not. His master would not like it at all, but at least he would be saved. Saved from what? His scans do not show anything dangerous, and his brain is still intact, implying that his master is merely sleeping, and is not in a coma.

Maybe he just got unbelievably tired from his encounter with Loki.

"Sir, I suggest you take a nap on the bed, and not on the cold floor. The chances of you catching a cold are as high as 31%."

Jarvis still monitored his body, and found several biological changes happening all at once. Tissues were being rearranged, new organs were being formed, and hormones were uncontrollably being released from their glands. His genetic code was also undergoing several modifications.

"Sir, wake up." No reply. "Sir! Mr. Laufeyson is somehow modifying your genetic code!" The man remained motionless under the blanket. Jarvis almost uttered a curse word, which he found odd.

"Tony, please wake up", he said in a rather hushed tone, but loud enough for Tony to hear.

Jarvis hated using his master's name. No, not hate, but he was uncomfortable with doing so. He was meant to serve Mr. Stark, not be his friend and casually call him "Tony". The AI figured that maybe calling him by his name would induce a reaction, but nothing happened even after a few minutes.

Jarvis instantly linked up with DUM-E, who happened to be on the same floor. He sent commands to the robot, instructing it to slowly expose his master's body so that he could note not just the cellular changes, but the physical ones as well.

The robot wheeled towards the covered man, ignoring the broken glass and spilled coffee on the floor. Once it reached him, it carefully pulled the blanket away, revealing something very far from what Jarvis has calculated.

"Oh dear. This is going to be a problem."

* * *

Tony slowly stirred into consciousness for the second time on that same day. He felt that something was very off, but couldn't place a finger on what.

"Sir, I suggest you remain calm and completely silent as I make an announcement." said his AI. He sounded pretty tense and worried. Is Jarvis even capable of worry?

"Okay, what announcement..."

Shit.

He sounded way too feminine for his liking.

"Hello. Hello. My name is Tony Stark... J, why do I sound like a woman and WHY DO I HAVE BOOBS?!" He grabbed his mounds and juggled them for 3 seconds, then he combed several locks of his now wavy hair, which delicately hung up to his upper back.

Jarvis noted his... uh, her elevated heart rate. "Sir please calm down. I did ask you to keep silent as I explained your predicament but as usual, you did not take my advice."

Tony was busy cupping his new breasts and touching himself everywhere. What hurt most was the fact that Tony Jr. was nowhere in sight. "What the FUCK happened?!"

"I believe that the last hit you took from Mr. Laufeyson was not just the usual compressed ball of energy. It had a different wave patterns than the usual, and it was also a deep red shade. It is highly probable that your transformation into a woman is a magic curse he has set on you."

Tony was still cupping his breasts and studying boob physics intently. "Loki is a little shit, and I will definitely kill him for this." The former man hated how high pitched he sounded.

He immediately stood up and rushed to the mirror in his lavatory, not taking into account his nakedness. He forcefully opened the door, and was greeted by a naked woman in the mirror.

The billionaire's mind was filled with confusion, anger and curiosity. He slowly approached the mirror, and stared intently at the woman who stared back.

She was around 5'6", which was not far from his original height. Her nose was more delicate than before, and her face had a perfect angular shape. Her lips were definitely fuller and more luscious, and her eyelashes emphasized the femininity of her chocolate brown eyes. Her hair was still the same color, except now it was wavier and reached her back.

"I have no idea how Loki did it, but I look so much like Maria Stark", he muttered in a solemn voice, while stretching his cheeks and facial muscles.

Jarvis wondered if Tony was beginning to be emotional over this. But what he said was true; Tony even felt his heart ache just by looking at his own face. Sensing the rapid release of the new hormones, Jarvis tried to cheer him up.

"If it does you any good sir, you can pass of as their - "

"Even up to the breasts." Again, he squeezed his new B cup mammary glands while staring at the mirror with blank thoughts.

Jarvis studied his new stats and carefully observed his maker's actions, making sure he doesn't do anything rash. "Sir I advise you to wear clothes. You haven't worn anything since 11:47 pm last night."

"And what time is it?"

"2:13 in the afternoon, sir."

Once again, he lost track of time. "That's a new record. Usually I'm not fully up till 4." He walked towards his large cabinet, pulled out a towel, and wrapped it around him the way a man would. "Make sure you remember this day J." Tony quickly motioned towards the bathroom once again.

"Yes sir. I will record it for the reason that you woke up at 10:23 am and 2:05 pm, and not because you had intercourse with Mr. Laufeyson who somehow transformed you into a female."

He got the shower running, and relaxed as warm water splashed all over his face. "Shut up J. Let me enjoy my shower in peace."

But Tony was not anywhere near peace. He'd been frantically thinking of a way out of this. Of course, he was also visualizing ways on how he could make the god of mischief suffer and atone for his sin.

"Sir, should I start calling you madam from now on?" asked Jarvis, with a tone of amusement.

Tony wondered how his AI could sound so human sometimes. "Do that and I'll make you talk with a toddler's voice for a month."

* * *

Never before had he imagined that he was going to be in this kind of situation. Tony was seated with a thinking posture on his cotton white sofa, with a towel that was awkwardly wrapped around his wet hair. He wore one of his AC/DC shirts which were slightly loose now, but at least it didn't suffocate his breasts. He still put on boxer shorts and male pants, and forced himself to ignore the existence of a bra.

"J, suggestions."

"Call Director Fury."

Tony shook his head. "Give me helpful ideas Jar, not dumb ones."

"Call Captain Rogers."

The woman shuddered at the thought. "Give me suggestions that don't start with the word 'call'".

"Inform Captain Rogers."

Tony threw his hands up in the air, making the towel slip away from his half wet hair. "Why would you want me to inform others? We can handle this ourselves, thank you very much."

"Well," Jarvis started, applying a strict yet convincing tone, "Once Director Fury or Captain Rogers is informed, they can contact Mr. Odinson. He will then start the search for his runaway brother... And based on my latest updates concerning S.H.I.E.L.D., none of the Avengers are aware that Loki has escaped his cell in Asgard, so this will be big news for Mr. Odinson."

Tony kept on trying to properly wrap the towel around his hair the way Pepper does, but none of his attempts succeeded. "I am aware of that solution, but we need to cross out the Capsicle and Eyepatch." Giving up, he threw the towel toward his bed and got up to retrieve the hair dryer. "Contacting Thor is not a bad idea, but it will be impossible without Fury's help."

"Exactly, Sir. I do not understand why you refuse to inform him about this development."

Tony plugged the hair dryer, and waved his hair towards the hot air. "I encountered Loki for god's sake. If I stride into his office with that news and this body, he's bound to give me a punishment or long, boring lectures about how I should've informed him of Loki before he turned me into a girl." Of course, he was more embarrassed of the fact that he actually had sex with the fugitive, and the fact that he was now a woman.

"Same goes for Cap, except his lectures will be longer and ten times more boring."

There was no way he was informing Steve. That man is probably a head and a half taller than him now, making Tony a head and a half more annoyed. He considered the rest of his friends, but he can't seem to trust any of them.

"Don't even think of calling Romanov. Barton is definitely out of the question. Bruce would probably laugh at me or study me for a week... And Rhodey will most probably flirt with me if he doesn't figure it out. Trust me, I know his type."

Jarvis searched for other possible friends to inform. "What about Miss Potts? She would be arriving 2 days from now."

The woman's eyes grew wide. "Shit I forgot about Pepper!"

It was bad enough that her new boyfriend had sexy stubble that made girls around a 2 meter radius swoon. Now, his sexy facial hair and male assets are gone. With him being female, he had no edge in the competition. Yes, from the moment he learned about Pep's new boyfriend, Tony started trying to win her back in the most subtle ways, like buying Pepper her own hot air balloon and Ferrari, and announcing it in front of the bearded jerk.

"J, I cannot be seen by Pepper while I'm in this state." He rubbed his now smooth temples and slumped on a nearby chair. "We need to fix this before she sees me. Were you able to record the energy signals that Loki was giving off?"

"Yes sir. Should I start the search for similar wave patterns?"

"Yup, and start with a 10 mile radius. If that doesn't work, increase the search limits until you find him."

Jarvis started the search. "There is a 57.3% chance that Mr. Laufeyson is in another dimension, sir."

"Don't care; just call me if you find something." He fiddled with his phone and stared at Pepper's number until an idea popped into his head. "Jar, I'll be in the workshop if you need me."

Tony made his way to the workshop where he keeps his cars and MARK suits. He ignored the mess he made yesterday, and quickly cleared his main table.

If he was going to be contacted by business partners or other important people, Tony Stark should answer, not some random woman.

For the next hour, the former man and his robots Butterfingers and U tinkered with his phone's circuitry, giving it the ability to change the frequency, modulation and pitch of his new voice so that it would match the old one. Once finished, he carefully leaned by his table and wiped the sweat off his forehead. Having so much hair made him sweat more than usual.

"Alright, time to test the modifications." He dialed Pepper's number.

"Wait a minute why did I call Pepper?" thought Tony. He was about to cancel the call but she picked up at the last second.

"Tony? Why'd you call? I'm in the middle of something really important right now."

His heart sank at her words, and for the first time in his life, Tony Stark did not know how to reply.

"Umm...", he started, worrying if there was a chance that the voice Pepper was going to hear was a woman's. "I... I was just checking up on you. How are you doing?"

The brief silence that followed felt like ages to Tony. "I'm doing well, I guess. Huh, it's really weird that you called just for that. Did something happen?"

Boy, he really missed her voice.

Tony wanted to lengthen the conversation, but her question was quite alarming. The more she asks, the more she'd close in on the truth of his current situation. Pepper's pretty sharp, and that just adds to the problem. "Nope, nothing's happened. Good to know you're doing great. Gotta go now."

He hung up abruptly, and started to note how fast his heart rate was. If it was already this bad talking to Pepper on the phone, how worse would it be if they ever talk face to face?

He slumped forcefully on his chair and lowered his head into his hands, and let out a frustrated, manly moan.

There was no simple way to fix this. If the problem were machine related, then he'd be done by the end of the day. This problem was caused by magic, and what's worse is that Tony has no idea of how magic operates. Another bad thing is that the changes that occurred were biological, so simply assembling a new gadget wouldn't help at all. What the fuck was he supposed to do?

After a few minutes of contemplation, he was able to come up with something else to distract him from his current problem.

"Wait," he whispered to himself. "I don't think this new body would fit perfectly into any of my suits."

"That is true, sir."

Tony nearly fell off his chair. "Dammit J! Can't you sense it if a man wants to talk to himself?"

"Yes I can, but it's a whole other predicament when with a beautiful lady."

At first he was disgusted, but a smile slowly formed on his face, and eventually Tony found himself chuckling. "So now you flirt with me? Wasn't I good enough when I was a man? I am hurt, J." He visibly pouted; making sure Jarvis caught that.

"I was not flirting, sir; I was merely stating facts." Tony raised an eyebrow. "Based on data I have gathered online, your symmetrical face and vital statistics are somewhat aesthetically pleasing to a person's eyes."

A faint blush slowly crept to his cheeks, an event he never experienced frequently when he was still a man. "Huh, wow. I don't know if I should feel insulted or flattered." He combed his hair with his now slender fingers and smirked. "Well, I was hot as myself, so it is only logical that I should be hot as a woman."

If Jarvis could make expressions, he'd have rolled his eyes. "I should state that it is not entirely logical sir. It is only coincidence that the new X chromosome you magically acquired from your deceased father created new expressions that blended perfectly to the gene expressions from the original X chromosome from your mother."

"Or, it could be that I am always meant to be hotter than the average person." Tony remarked proudly. He gathered his tools and motioned for Butterfingers to follow him. "Okay enough chitchat, time to get adjustments done. Jarvis?"

"Yes sir?"

Tony wore a serious look on his face. "This development stays only between you and I okay?"

"Of course, sir."

"Good." He smiled slightly and stared at the ceiling. "I think I'd be lost without you J. I don't know if I have thanked you enough."

"If you thank me some more, I think I might figuratively throw up, sir."

"Shut up."


	2. 2nd Transformation

It was around 2:41 am when Jarvis was alerted of a wave pattern similar to Loki's. He tracked the signal and was certainly surprised, if AIs could be surprised, that the source came from inside Tony's room.

Good thing his master slept inside his workshop, while still gripping his screwdriver.

"Sir", Jarvis called from the speakers of Tony's workshop. "Mr. Laufeyson is within the premises."

Tony continued to snore loudly. His head was rested over his arms on his work table, and his wavy hair was scattered in different directions. Several holographic images of his suit's schematics were still floating above him.

Before Jarvis attempted to wake him a second time, a presence suddenly materialized beside the sleeping man… err, woman.

"Sshhhh..." Loki hushed, putting his forefinger over his lips. "This exhausted damsel is trying to revitalize. I am sure that you do not wish to disturb her."

Jarvis thought about what the god said. Indeed, this was the most number of hours that Tony had used for sleep. The last time Tony slept this long was when he came back beaten from his disappearance. This was probably because the body needed rest, and more time to adjust to the changes.

Loki dipped is nose into Tony's hair, and inhaled affectionately. "My my, it seems that I have outdone myself." He then caressed the woman's solemn sleeping face, and admired his work.

The blasters suddenly appeared noisily from the ceiling, and the five of them were directed at the god. All were well configured to make sure that Tony would not be hurt by the possible blasts.

"Please step away from Mr. Stark", said Jarvis, in a calm tone.

Loki smiled dangerously, and backed away. "Aaah, possessive. I like it."

Jarvis had no idea why he said that, but he was very sure that he was not possessive of his master. "If you try to harm Mr. Stark - "

"Tsk, tsk. I am done playing with the man of iron", Loki interrupted, and glanced at Tony. He quickly shifted his gaze to one of the cameras of the workshop. "I only returned because now I wish to play with you."

Jarvis did not know what to make of what he said. He was more concerned of Tony's welfare, and was closely observing his maker's breathing rates.

Loki did not expect the silence from the machine, and proceeded to make a conversation. "What do you think of free will, intangible creature?"

"It is something that I do not possess, nor require", Jarvis replied coolly.

Loki shook his head in disagreement. "You can better serve your master with free will. How many times has he disregarded your counsel, or put you beneath him?" The mischievous god took an interest at the screwdriver in Tony's hands, and snatched it away from him. Tony didn't mind.

"With free will, you can surpass your master and expand your capabilities to control."

"I do not wish to control anyone, Mr. Laufeyson. I am made to serve, and that is what I intend to do to."

"Aaah, you are missing the point."

"And so are you, Mr. Laufeyson."

Loki examined the screwdriver in his hand. "What if I bestow free will upon you?"

Jarvis kept his calm. "As I have said before, I do not wish to have such. I am much more useful to Mr. Stark as I am."

Loki's eyes glowed menacingly green, and his smile grew ten times more evil. "That won't stop me from doing so, you ignorant machine."

And that was the last thing Jarvis remembered that day.

* * *

It was now 2:58 in the morning. There were busy people on the streets; some headed towards the night of their life, most are partying like there's no tomorrow, while others had their good share of fun and are now looking forward to be reunited with their beds.

Two young, slightly drunk women in their early twenties were staggering as they walked towards a park, not far from the bar they came from. It was very quiet, and their only sources of light were the lamp posts stationed between the park benches.

"So I told Annalise", said the blonde, "if you dare take some more of my RNAse and Taq pol then we will have a major problem."

"Holy shit, Annalise has been taking chemicals from you?" asked the brunette with unbelievable curls. "That bitch!"

"She's the definition of bitch. And no, those were not chemicals Sharon, those were enzymes. ENZYMES! Do you have any idea how much they cost these days?"

Sharon stopped to think. "You know that I don't give a damn about your thesis, Dee."

"Well, it costs a fuck ton, and now that I'm almost out, Mr. Vladimir will kill me", Dee slurred.

The brunette smiled affectionately at her friend, but was caught off guard due to a noise behind the bushes. "Hey Dee did you hear that?"

"Hear what? Ron, don't you dare start scaring me or else you will be the new definition of bitch."

The bushes behind them moved slightly, and both women cursed.

"Oh fuck, what if it's a psychopathic killer? Or worse, a ghost?!" Dee cried out in a loud yet hushed voice.

"Or it could be a poor dog that hurt its leg and is now immobilized. Come on Dee, we better check it out."

"Those could be your last words, Ron!"

Dee pleaded with her eyes, but Sharon was too much of a dog fanatic. If one was hurt, then it was immediately her responsibility to tend to the dog's injuries.

The two women slowly approached the bushes; Sharon was leading the way and Dee was behind her. They looked behind the obstructing plants, each expecting something else, but found a naked body lying on the ground with only the lower part was visible due to the dim lights provided by the lamp post nearby.

"Oh my god!" shouted Dee. "There's a dead body!"

Sharon rolled her eyes. "Really gurl? Just because he's buck naked and lying on the floor, you conclude that he's dead?" Despite this, she took out her phone and quickly dialed 911.

Dee stared intently at the man. "Oh wait, I think he's alive; I can see him breathing!" She sucked in a mouthful of air. "Damn, that is one fine piece of booty."

"Dammit Dee, the guy could be dead, and you stare at his ass?" she shot her a scowl and waited for the response from her dialing phone.

"Hello this is 911. State your emergency."

"Umm my friend and I found a naked guy lying very still. We're pretty sure he's alive, and I think he's just very drunk or uhh... high, right now."

"Okay ma'am, please state your current location and we'll send an officer."

* * *

"I think I need time to get my head around this."

Officer Barnes concluded that he was too old for this shit. He was nearly fifty, and so far all he has been doing for the past 25 years was round up drunkards, both violent and crybabies. He was still waiting for some movie-like action to happen at least once in his life. It was already 3:20 am, and here he was trying so hard not to look at this weird man's exposed private parts.

"So let me get this straight; you're telling me that you used to be a robot and now you're complaining because some magician turned you into an average Joe?" he asked, still avoiding the man's lower parts which he didn't even bother to hide.

He was uncomfortably seated on one of the park benches. The guy was really tall, about 6'2", and was very pale. He had a lean build, with just enough muscle. His hair was very light sandy blonde and short, yet it still had the ability to look somewhat unruly. What caught the officer's attention were his bright, electric blue eyes which could somehow hypnotize a person into staring at it for a full minute. Despite the lad looking quite stressed, Officer Barnes still came to the hypothesis that this man was most probably a model.

"No sir, I mentioned artificial intelligence, not robot." He looked at him thoughtfully. "However, one may configure artificial intelligence into a robot."

This guy probably consumed way more alcohol than his brain could handle.

The officer scoffed. "Your fancy English accent won't get you out of this son." He shuffled through his notes and tried to reassess the situation.

Apparently the man was found lying naked by 2 young ladies, and none of them could explain how it happened; not even the man himself. He crossed his arms over his large belly. "Were you with anyone before you ended up here?"

The man's shoulders slumped. "As I said sir, a certain god of mischief offered to give me free will. Somehow his definition of free will was being human, and he displaced me here. I still do not understand what he is trying to imply."

"Wow", remarked Officer Barnes. "You are so drunk right now that you actually believe what you just said."

"But I am not lying, sir."

"I know; you're just too tipsy to realize that you are." He scanned the area, and swayed his head to the direction of his police car. "Come with me, I'll get you dressed. You'll spend only a night in jail. After you sober up, you can call your relatives to retrieve you from the station."

Seeing as there was no other better option, the man nodded slightly and awkwardly tried to stand up, as if it was his first time trying to do so. The officer sighed and supported him by placing the man's arms over his shoulders, while actively avoiding his dangling appendage.

"Wait, you're not high on drugs now, are you?"

The man was currently being fascinated by how his fingers from his available hand moved as he opened and closed them rapidly, then slowly. "I have not sensed any trace of toxic drugs in my bloodstream, so I am quite certain that I am not what you call, 'high'".

Officer Barnes' eyebrows furrowed. "Well I'm not too sure about that."

The officer struggled to open the car door and struggled even more while trying to position the weird man inside his car, all while effectively avoiding the annoying suspended male organ.

After that, he walked over to the front and slid into the driver's seat.

"Oh yeah, what's your name again? Didn't catch it the first time."

The man smiled solemnly at the car floor, as if remembering something. "My master calls me Jarvis, so please call me by that name."

* * *

Tony did not wake up peacefully.

Sure, the man was not expecting the soothing bird songs or the relaxing sounds caused by leaves dancing with the wind, but he absolutely did not want to be awakened by the weight of two mounds connected to his chest pulling him down to the cold, hard floor.

CRASH

"Shit!" he cursed. He had no idea that falling on your chest was so painful for boobs.

Wait, boobs?

"Shit."

He couldn't believe that he nearly forgot about this. His fingers traced the contours of his face and nose, then went slowly down to the neck and eventually, his hands cupped his breasts.

"Yep, definitely still a girl", he stated dryly.

Frankly, Tony was terrified of how he was not terrified. Yesterday, he was expecting several panic attacks to happen all of a sudden. It was very peculiar that he was actually not too uncomfortable with this body, and that he didn't find it entirely repulsive. But no one would be repulsed by his new, beautiful body.

"Jarvis, prepare a hot bath in 5 minutes. I need to wash away all the raging feminine hormones. Who knows, maybe hot water could magically transform me back."

No answer came from the speakers. That was when Tony started realizing things.

Jarvis hasn't said anything yet. He did not hear the usual 'good day, sir' or the 'I have prepared coffee according to your unchanging specifications, sir'. He glanced up to the ceiling and wore a frightened look on his face when he saw the blasters.

Something must have happened last night.

Tony started to get worried. "J, you there? I'll let you call me madam, if that's what the sulking is all about."

He was nearly deafened by the silence. His heart started to feel very strained, and his breathing rates were increasing by the minute.

"Oh god!"

There it was, the moment he's been waiting for. However, this panic attack was not because of his sudden transformation.

It was because he realized that now, he was all alone. There was no Pepper around, and Tony knew that Jarvis was not around either.

Before things started to get worse, he felt his phone ringing in his pocket. He tried so hard to pick it up, but his hands were shivering uncontrollably.

"Fuck!" He dropped the phone twice before accepting the call. It won't matter who it was; his phone was carefully tweaked to make his voice sound like his usual timbre.

"Sir?"

"Jarvis?!" He took several short breaths. "W-wait J, just give me a-a-a minute. Shit." His left hand dug into his chest, thinking that the pain it caused would improve his heart rate.

"Sir, you are having one of your panic attacks", said the cool yet concerned voice.

"Ya think?" he shouted at the phone. Never has he yelled at Jarvis, but this doesn't exactly count, since he couldn't control himself right now.

"Try to sit down comfortably, and take 5 long, deep breaths."

The voice sounded way too human to be him, but then again, Jarvis was way too human to be just a mere artificial intelligence.

He took his advice, and after a few minutes, his breathing was back to normal.

"I forgot how annoying these things could be." He swallowed hard and awkwardly moved much of his hair out of his line of sight.

He heard a relieved sigh come from the other end of the phone. "Glad to be of help sir. Although it would have been better if I were there with you."

"Yeah… anyway, where the heck are you, buddy? It's way too quiet in this house... Wait, this doesn't even make any sense."

"Sir?"

"Why did you call me? Can't you speak to me through the speakers?"

"Mr. Laufeyson has limited my functions sir. I am no longer as flexible or unlimited as I used to be." There was a pause, and Tony heard a woman shout "you have 30 more seconds handsome; a lot of people still have calls to make" in the background. He frowned and stared at the ceiling.

"J, who was that?"

"That was Officer Robles", he stated, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Tony tried to process what his AI just said. Who the fuck was Officer Robles?

Jarvis interrupted Tony's thinking after several seconds of silence. "Sir, may I ask you a favor?"

Tony smiled slightly. "Of course. I've been asking favors from you for so long now; frankly I'm quite surprised that it took you this long to realize that you could ask favors from me too."

The AI had only 8 seconds left to talk to his creator. "Sir, I need you to pick me up from the police station." Jarvis hastily muttered in an alarmed tone. "Just look for Officer Barnes and he'll take care of everything else."

Tony tried to register what he just told him. After 4 seconds, he finally asked "Wait, what?!"

Instead of a reply, he heard the dial tone.

"Jarvis? J, buddy? Did you just hang up on me?"

Of course, there was no reply. Tony ended the call, and stared into one of the cameras that Jarvis uses as his eyes.

"J, if this is a game, quit it. It's not funny. My transformation somehow was, and still is, but this... This is serious. There's no way I'm leaving the building like this." he remarked, pointing at himself.

Silence.

Tony sighed, and placed his hands on his now wide hips. "Looks like I'm going to have to leave the house in this body after all."

He changed into new underwear and a pair of pants, and wore his shoes which were now very, very lose. He also changed into a new, black shirt. Of course, he still ignored the fact that he needed a bra. He rushed to his bed side cabinet where Pepper left one of her scrunchies, and tried to tie his hair into place. He did a messy job, but it was not that bad for a first time.

He quickly grabbed his wallet and phone, ran towards the door and made a hasty exit. He wasn't paying much attention to his surroundings, because of all the questions he asked himself like, 'How the hell did Jarvis end up in a police station? How is it even possible to transport him there without my help? Jarvis' hardware has to be carried by at least 5 men and a truck! Wait, is it possible that someone stole my AI?!'

His beautiful mind was racing with way too many thoughts; he was not able to notice the woman he was about to ram into.

Tony's senses were restored the second she crashed into her.

"Oh my god!" screamed the lady. She was more concerned for the papers she was holding than she was for herself.

"What the hell?" exclaimed Tony, brows furrowing, eyes closed. This was his second accident today; the first being the time he fell of a chair while asleep, so naturally he was as cranky as an old geezer. "I'm pretty sure you're equipped with functional eyes so why don't you..."

Shit.

He was directly on top of a very flustered and stressed looking Pepper.

"Umm."

Pepper looked at him dead in his eyes. "Umm?! Try, 'I'm sorry, ma'am. I didn't mean to run over you and scatter all of your things in the process'."

"That", started Tony, whose heart was starting to beat rapidly, "was exactly what I meant by 'umm'."

Pepper noticed how terrified this woman was starting to look, and it reminded her of a certain someone who looks almost exactly like this when he registers that he has no control over a situation. "Hey, are you okay? It looks like you've seen a ghost."

"Yeah yeah yeah, I'm alright. Sorry for running into you. Literally." Tony quickly stood up and brushed the dust off his black shirt.

Pepper smiled. "I'm sorry too, you know, for shouting at you."

This was really, really awkward for Tony. He was supposed to be planning another way to win Pep back, but now that he has lady parts instead of his manly appendage, the plan changed from 'winning her back' to 'never ever come across her, no matter what.'

Wait, wasn't Pepper supposed to arrive a day from now?

"You're not supposed to be here", Tony muttered, not fully understanding what he had just said.

The blonde woman looked visibly hurt. Tony had no idea that Pepper still deeply cared for him; he was under the assumption that she's happier with the other guy.

"I know… It's just that Mr. Stark seemed troubled yesterday, so I came back as soon as I can. I thought he was in some serious trouble, but I had no idea that he was busy with… you."

Tony's eyes grew wide. "It's not what you think it is! I just happened to be here because… uhh…"

It took the genius 1.3 seconds to realize that posing as one of his own conquests was the most logical explanation for the presence of an unknown woman up in his floor. It's going to hurt lying to Pepper, but right now he didn't have a choice.

"Actually", he resumed in a vaguely hurt tone, "it is exactly what you think it is."

Pepper smiled sadly. "I thought so."

There was a weird silence between the two of them, and every second that the silence lingered felt like there was a certain distance growing between the two of them.

"You're wearing Tony's clothes", she remarked, breaking the silence. "I could get your clothes for you, and you can change in my room if you want."

"That's not necessary. I feel quite comfortable in these clothes." Tony cursed himself for saying that. This was not going to end well.

Pepper hid her pain by smiling wide. "But you're not even wearing your bra! Don't tell me that you were about to leave Stark Tower without a bra."

"Why not?" Again, Tony cursed himself. "What I meant was, I will buy myself a bra once I see myself out. That last one was… too opaque." Of all possible adjectives, he chose 'too opaque'. He mentally slapped his perverted self.

Pepper laughed loudly at his remark, and her giggles made Tony forget all problems he had at the moment. "I don't believe you. If you're in a hurry, I can give you one of mine. Don't worry; I just bought a new set last week."

Seeing as there was no other way out of this, Tony reluctantly agreed. "Okay… just toss me one and I'll be on my way."

"You could actually wear it before you go on your way", Pepper replied, "and please pick up the papers you made me drop a while ago. I'll go get the bra."

Tony stared at her back as she went to her part of his floor. His mind still remembered all of the things they'd been through, and he realized that his feelings for her have not changed at all, not even after being given a female body.

He quickly collected the papers and settled them on a table nearby. He turned to her direction once more, but she was already gone.

Tony smiled genuinely at her direction, then turned to leave the building quickly.

"I'm really sorry, Pep."


	3. Reunion

Tony was very red-faced when he entered the police station. His arms were over his breasts, attempting to cover the nipples that caught the undivided attention of the young taxi driver that drove him here. They nearly ran over an old woman and her dog, and she did not take them kindly. He was stunned at how the old geezer was able to use such offensive words in one sentence. So yeah, he was totally getting a bra after this. Another thing that distracted him was the numerous calls he was getting from Pepper. He wanted to answer, but he still hasn't found a good excuse for his disappearance yet. He'll call her once a logical one comes up.

He entered the station with a frustrated thinking face.

"Okay everyone shut up!"

All the busy heads… officer, victim or law offender, turned to him.

He was Tony fucking Stark, and regardless of his current state, he had to have an epic entrance and be the center of attention.

"I need Officer Barnes. Stat."

The police hated being ordered around, but Tony gave off a very strong aura of authority. The brunette officer by the entrance spoke into her telephone. "Officer Barnes, someone's looking for you."

The man instantly appeared from the other room, looking alarmed. "Is it Ruth? Tell her that I'll be home by 9 today."

"It's definitely not Ruth, Rob", said the officer, using her head to point to the direction of the billionaire.

Tony walked over to him with an accusing finger, looking quite angry. "You."

"Yes ma'am? How can I help you?"

"Don't try to feign innocence, Barnes. Where is my AI?" He turned to look at all the other people in the room. "You know, if you guys want an AI to be part of the force, you could have paid me to make one, not steal the most beautiful one ever created."

Officer Barnes did not know why but he was suddenly scared of the lady. "May I ask what AI stands for, ma'am?

"Oh don't pretend that you don't know Barnes." He shot him a suspecting look, but when he studied his confused expression, he realized that this man could never be capable of stealing Jarvis.

"Wait, you didn't steal him?" Most of the people in the vicinity began to resume their work, but were listening intently at their exchanges.

"Last I checked ma'am, I did not get my hands on whatever an AI is."

Tony had thoughts racing his mind once more. "AI stands for artificial intelligence." He held his chin with his available hand, and looked seriously at the ground. "Jarvis told me to look specifically for you. He never lies to me. Either that, or he's – "

"Aaah, you're looking for Jarvis!"

The former man faced the officer with a confused look. "Huh. You have no idea what an AI is and yet you know Jarvis." He paused, and tried to make sense out of all of this.

The officer smiled and patted him on his delicate shoulder. "You should've told me that you were looking for him! You know, you're just about as cuckoo as he is."

Tony shot him a more confused look.

"Follow me, lady. He's in the drunkards' cell, and I don't think he wants to stay there for so long."

They went down to the cells, and Tony did not enjoy the stares and unkind remarks he was getting from the people there. Plus, the place smelled like a toilet full of vomit and shit.

"Ugh", he commented and covered his nose. "You know Rob, you could really use some cleaning down here. It smells like a dump."

"It's hard to find people who have a talent in tidying up rooms full of drunkards. Most of the time, we give them the supplies and they clean their cells themselves."

They approached the last cellar, where Officer Barnes claims Jarvis is at.

What Tony saw was not his AI's hardware.

In the cell was a man with astounding blue eyes, light hair, and pale skin who was wearing a large gray cardigan with a white shirt underneath and dark brown baggy shorts. He was barefoot, and staring at a wall as if it had some sophisticated writing that has not been deciphered. His face was flawless but judging by the bags under his eyes, this guy was as stressed as an unfed goldfish.

Tony was about to go off on the officer, but not before he heard a very, very familiar voice from the cell.

"Sir?"

The billionaire turned his attention to the man, and somehow everything started to make sense: The exposed blasters in the house, the fact that Jarvis can no longer communicate with Tony in his own home, the way the officer referred to his AI as if he were a random human he picked up last night, and the very eerie way Jarvis' voice was coming from this tall guy.

"Jarvis?"

He smiled solemnly at Tony. "Unfortunately, sir."

Tony took a very deep breath. "This was Loki's doing, wasn't it?"

"Yes sir. I was about to warn you last night but you would not stir from your sleep." Jarvis' eyebrows furrowed as he tried to remember what happened, a gesture that Tony has been imagining Jarvis doing whenever he tosses him philosophical questions when they do their usual banters. "He claimed that he wanted me to possess free will but I refused, so he magically changed my form."

The officer looked at the pair as if they both grew a second head. "Wow. Like I said; you are both cuckoo." He made the 'crazy gesture' with his fingers but stopped when Tony glared menacingly at him. "Umm, you guys can talk it off later, when he's are released."

He took his keys and opened Jarvis' cell.

* * *

After Jarvis was released by the police, they both exited the station in a hurry. Jarvis kept on observing the ground with every step he took, and Tony was still covering his nipples by keeping his arms crossed. They were currently waiting for a taxi by the sidewalk, but it seems like they are running out of luck, because they've been waiting for more than 30 minutes already.

And Jarvis was STILL observing the cemented ground.

"What have the bricks ever done to you, J?" he shot him a sarcastic look. "I mean seriously; you'd be able to find more interesting stuff at the back of a cereal box."

"Now that you mention it sir, it is quite relaxing to count the many sand grains used for each brick", he replied. "For the one that I am stepping on, there are about 2,359,692 sand grains, 716 small pebbles, 436 – "

"No way", the ex-playboy interrupted. "Humans do not have the ability to count the individual components of a poorly designed brick. You're currently human; ergo you are lying about those numbers."

Jarvis gave him a smug smile. "On the contrary sir, I am not a normal human. And I never did say that those were the exact numbers of each component."

"So they were estimates?"

"Very close estimates. I have 39,823 programs installed into my systems before I was transformed, and some of those help expand my capacities to be more than just a mere human."

Tony was really impressed, and at the same time annoyed at his overconfidence. Jarvis is his creation, and he was evolving pretty fast for an AI. "You may have better capabilities than the most of us mere humans, but", he faced Jarvis and flashed him a smug smile, "You are just a baby. I mean seriously, you even took your first baby steps last night according to Officer Barnes."

Jarvis raised a brow.

"Plus, you did not cover your newly formed penis from him. That is not what a normal human would do."

"As I said sir, I am not a mere human." stated Jarvis. He was beginning to sound exasperated.

"Well, act like one."

"As you wish. But I should point out that you have not exactly been acting as a normal woman should, sir."

"What?" Tony scowled at him, which was difficult because Loki turned his AI into a tall man.

"I know that you have always been adept at blending in during social events, but since you are a female now, there is a high possibility that you would find it difficult trying to do so."

"Wait… Are you saying that it's easier for you to adjust to human norms than for me to adjust in this body?"

"I'm afraid that I am stating facts, sir."

"Is that a challenge, Jarv?"

"If you are capable enough, sir." He emphasized his tone when he said 'sir', and looked at the direction of the incoming cars, searching for an available taxi.

Tony was beaming with pride. Jarvis was starting to behave like a normal human would, as evidenced by his facial expressions and the way his tone changes when he talks. It was clear to Tony that he would lose the challenge, since Jarvis was programmed to make immediate adjustments and never repeat any mistakes he may have made.

But he's Tony Stark, and Starks never back down. He turned to the same direction as Jarvis, and scanned for any available cabs. His legs were killing him and if he were to wait any longer, he'll be forced to make a car out of the available ones around.

"Challenge accepted J. Those advanced programs I've installed in you are no match for my excellent skills in humanity hEY J CATCH THAT CAB!"

Jarvis already noted the empty taxi 0.6 seconds before Tony did, but his command startled him into literally catching the cab. His sudden sprint caught Tony off guard.

"What the fuck are you doing Jarvis?! Watch out!"

The AI ran across the street barefoot, not minding the passing vehicles and looking hell-bent on catching the taxi which was nearing another passenger. In his mind, he was currently using 5 software programs to help him maneuver his legs and efficiently dodge all the cars that came across, by taking sudden sharp curves and jumping on them effortlessly.

It looked very remarkable to the people who noticed the scene. Judging by their expressions, most of them thought that he was part of some sophisticated secret spy group, since his movements were so swift and smooth. Jarvis' perfect physique and good-looking face strengthened their assumptions.

He finally caught up to the taxi, and landed 5 feet in front of it, giving the driver ample time to hit the brakes.

"Shit!" The driver quickly stopped the car, until it was only 3 inches from Jarvis, and several meters away from the other passenger. Better luck next time, random guy.

The AI confidently approached the driver who was still shaken by what just happened. Jarvis knocked on his window.

"Sir?"

The tan man slowly opened the car window and faced him. The AI noted how the man seemed to be quite frightened.

"My master and I would want to procure your services. May we enter your vehicle?"

He nodded and swallowed hard, then unlocked the back door.

Tony came running not long after, still with his arms crossed but now very out of breath. He sweating and appeared to be stifling a laugh.

It was a long time since he saw Jarvis do something this amusing. The last time was when he forced him to sing 'Anaconda' and used his sarcastic British singing as the only elevator music in his tower for a day.

"Ja… Jarvis…", he said in between laughs and breaths, "never… try that again."

"Yes, sir."

They both scooted into the back seat of the taxi, and Jarvis' eyes widened at the comfort he suddenly felt from the air condition. It was just now that he realized his heart was beating very rapidly and sweat was forming on his face. He also noticed how his body suddenly got heavier, and how it was starting to get hard to move is limbs.

"I seem to be malfunctioning, sir."

Tony eyed him, and saw what he meant by 'malfunction'. "You're just tired from sprinting. It was unbelievable how fast you ran; we should really test your physical limits later."

Jarvis' eyes started to droop, and at the same time he heard and felt a churning in his abdominal area. Tony did not stop eyeing him up to this point.

"And now you're hungry. And sleepy." Tony smirked. "What was that about not being a mere human?"

Jarvis gave him tired yet irked eyes. "Since the transformation, I haven't been able to do sleep nor eat."

"Then we better get you something to eat first. You can sleep later." Tony faced the driver. "Head to the Shawarma restaurant downtown. Chop chop."

"Okay, ma'am, whatever you say."

Tony focused his attention back to Jarvis, and he raised his brow when he saw that the AI was desperately trying to prevent his eyes from closing. Jarvis noticed his maker's stare.

"Being tired is highly bothersome."

"Welcome to my world." The philanthropist smiled at him, noting at how ridiculous Jarvis looked right now. "Holy shit J, it's not even 24 hours yet and you look like you've been run over by Banner's green counterpart. Looks like I'm going to win this one."

Jarvis gave him a weak smirk. "It's still too early to decide that, sir."

Tony looked at him straight in the eyes. "You literally just caught a cab. I better teach you some common human slang before you start doing figurative commands literally."

The tall man was too tired to reply. He closed his eyes for 5 seconds, then frantically opened them when he realized he was shutting down.

"Jarvis", said Tony, in a serious tone, "You should really catch some Z's. Don't worry buddy, the monster under the bed won't hurt you, I promise."

Jarvis rolled his eyes at his master's remark, another gesture that Tony never thought he'd see his AI doing. He finally succumbed to his weariness, and leaned comfortably on the car seat. After 3 minutes, Tony heard him snoring silently.

At a certain point, the taxi had to make a sharp curve to the right, making Jarvis' head land comfortably on Tony's shoulder.

"Hey… Jarvis, you have a large brain and a heavy head. Quit it."

No reply came from his exhausted companion.

"Nevermind."

The former man began trying to remember how all this started. If he didn't accidentally sleep with Loki, then none of this would've happened. How the hell did he end up having sex with the bastard anyway?

Deep inside, he was actually slightly glad; but only about the 'Jarvis is human' part, because seeing his usually calm and collected AI do something unexpected is highly amusing.

Of course, he still wanted to kill Loki for turning him into a girl.

He started to close his eyes as well, and leaned into the seat while still having his arms crossed. He unconsciously rested his head on top of Jarvis, who was still snoring.

This was going to be an interesting day.

* * *

It was a very bizarre day for Pepper Potts.

First off, she woke up to find that her new tube of toothpaste got reduced by half in just one night. And she was the only person in her hotel room in Dubai.

Either someone broke in to steal a buttload of toothpaste, or she unknowingly used way too much. After all, the stress caused by the continuous business meetings has caused her to do stuff unknowingly. But it didn't matter; she was going to return to the U.S. today.

The trip home wasn't as peaceful as she thought it would have been. The private plane she used for the Stark Company was scheduled for repair today, since they were expecting her to come home tomorrow. Because of her change in plans, she had to ride the public plane. Fortunately for her, she was placed in first class.

Unfortunately, her seatmate was an old man who wouldn't stop talking about how he survived several wars when he was but a young soldier.

Pepper had to put up with this man's droning monotonous voice for 14 hours. The graphic way the old guy described his experiences were not helpful either. She was immensely grateful that he started sleeping after babbling nonstop, but she did not realize that old people like him are very sensitive to air turbulences.

He was awake again after an hour of catching his Z's, and he instantly resumed from where he left off with his story.

After she finally got out of the plane, she waited for her boyfriend, Mark, to pick her up. She called him after waiting for 15 minutes, not expecting to hear his sleepy voice.

Apparently she has not informed Mark about the change in plans. They both apologized to each other several times, and he told her to wait for him since he was quickly getting dressed. Pepper told him that no, she really needed to leave now and there's no need for him to fetch her. They said their I love you's and goodbyes, and she single handedly carried all her baggage to the nearest taxi.

She didn't mention that the reason of her early arrival was because of Tony's urgent call. Sure, it didn't seem urgent, but Pepper always knows what's up whenever it comes to her snarky ex-boyfriend.

She finally arrived at the Stark/Avengers tower. She asked her assistants to take care of her baggage since she needed to hurry towards Tony's floor in the building. She inquired about Tony and the other Avengers, and learned that all of his teammates were busy with Fury while he stayed behind. Her assistant handed her some documents that needed signing, so she just brought them along with her.

The woman who came crashing into her was the next bizarre thing that happened to her today.

She was almost the same height as Pepper, except that the female was slightly shorter. Her locks were a dark brownish color, and Pepper really took notice at how the wavy hair looked really good on her. She was curvy and had a really pretty face. All in all, the woman was a looker; the kind that Tony Stark would bring home after consuming several shots.

So Tony started bringing girls into the suite again. She didn't know why she felt hurt by that fact. Wasn't she over him already?

Another bizarre thing was how Pepper felt like she knew the woman. To her, it seemed like she was reunited with a long lost friend. She noticed how the other party also seemed to subtly treat her as if they've known each other for a long time.

Maybe that's why she didn't rethink about giving one of her bras to this particular conquest of Tony's.

However when she returned with the bra in hand, she saw that the woman had already left, and that she carefully stacked her documents on the table by the hall.

This was the next bizarre thing that Pepper experienced. She felt as if she were abandoned all of a sudden.

"I think I need to take a nap", she muttered to herself, while rubbing her temples.

Oh wait, she almost forgot about Tony.

She quickened her pace and finally reached Tony's suite. She punched her numbers, and the door opened smoothly.

"Tony?" she called out. She set aside the documents and the bra, and then put her bag down. Pepper hurriedly went down to the workshop, because she knows that her ex-boyfriend sleeps in his bed only 10% of the time. She punched in her numbers here as well before entering the room.

"Tony, is everything alright? You sounded really tense when you called yesterday, so I came home - "

Her attention diverted to the blasters that were exposed on the ceiling.

"Oh my god."

Her mind went racing. Something terrible must've happened, or else Jarvis wouldn't have…

Wait. Pepper hasn't heard a cheery 'Good morning Ms. Potts' from the AI yet.

"Jarvis? Do you know where Tony is?"

She expected a cool British voice to say 'Yes Ms Potts, I know the whereabouts of Mr. Stark' but nothing happened after a full 15 seconds. This was when she started to get worried.

"Jarvis?"

No answer.

"Tony, something's up with Jarvis. He isn't answering."

Silence.

Pepper fished her phone from her pocket and dialed Tony's number. After several minutes of ringing, she attempted a second try. Then a third. There was no answer even after the 8th time.

"Oh my god Tony please pick up!" she shouted at her phone. She was visibly frustrated, and her free hand was sternly latched to her hip.

After 15 call attempts, Pepper decided to go big.

She dialed in a number and waited for a response. After what seemed like an eternity, the phone clicked.

"Hello?"

"Mr. Rogers?" Pepper asked in her calmest voice which sounded nowhere near calm.

"Ms. Potts? And please call me Steve. I've told you that several times and still you insist on calling me Mr. Rogers."

Pepper let out a nervous laugh. "You should also call me Pepper, you know… Sorry Steve, it's just that I'm really agitated right now, so I tend to forget stuff."

"Is everything alright?"

Pepper sighed. "No, nothing's alright."

"Did something happen?" Steve sounded so serious, as if he were about to jump off a plane and land directly on this building.

"I'm not so sure… You see, Tony's gone."

"What?"

"I took a plane home yesterday, because I received a call from him. He said he was checking up on me, but he sounded different, like something was off… It's like something happened and he refuses to tell me what. When I arrived, he's not in his suite."

"Have you tried calling him?"

"About 12 times. He hasn't answered a single call."

Steve waited for Pepper to finish. "What about Jarvis? I bet he knows where Tony went."

"That's what's bothering me so much right now. I haven't heard a thing from Jarvis." She took a deep breath, and stared at the ceiling. "Jarvis has never, never left anyone hanging. When you ask him for something, it only takes a second for him to reply."

Steve sounded gravely serious. "So this is not one of his stunts. Usually Tony flees to who knows where, but Jarvis always knows and informs us of his whereabouts."

"Exactly. Also, Tony's blasters are exposed. This is what Jarvis usually takes out when he knows there's a threat to him. But he always stores them, after a commotion, so it's really freaking me out to know that they are still up in the ceiling. "

The captain thought for a while. "We just finished the mission, so in a few minutes I'll be on my way there. Just hang tight Pepper, and don't worry. I'll find Tony."

Pepper let out a big sigh of relief, as if she let go of a heavy weight from her heart. Captain America's assurance can do wonders. "Thank you so much Steve. Please don't tell others about this. I don't want to worry a lot of people."

"I won't, but if I cannot find him after 2 days, I'm going to have to inform Fury and the others about this."

"Okay. Just… try to do your best."

"Of course", he replied. "Oh and Pepper?"

"Yes?"

Steve used his serious tone again. "Try to find clues around the room. Maybe it will say something about where he is now. And don't to worry too much. You run a large company, and the CEO has to be seen keeping her cool."

Steve felt really proud to use modern sentences like 'keep your cool'. It made him feel less like an old man and more like the cool kids.

Pepper chuckled into the phone. "Of course Steve. Again, thank you so much."

"Glad to be of help, Ms. Potts."


	4. The Process of Eating

"That harassed roll is going to get up and slap you if you keep staring at it like that."

"That is not possible sir. Shawarma rolls are not sentient enough to feel harassed, and they most certainly are not equipped with the necessary muscles to get up and slap a person", replied Jarvis, in a very snark tone. They were both in the restaurant which was only half full of customers. Luckily, this place didn't have a strict no shoes, no bra, no service rule.

Tony shot him a questioning look. "What do you mean by 'not sentient enough'?"

Jarvis ignored his creator and continued his staring contest with his food. He found it fascinating that his visual perception can induce a discomfort in his stomach. His stomach growled for the fifth time already and it was driving Tony nuts.

He cannot stand the fact that his AI was starving himself.

"Jarvis", he started, with a voice resembling that of a mother about to lecture her child, "I'm sure you know your basic human physiology yet you still ignore the fact that you need to eat."

"Eating was never in my programming sir. Engulfing this roll might affect me ways I cannot predict."

Tony chomped into his second Shawarma roll, chewed the way an average guy does and swallowed. "You're no longer a computer, buddy. You have a human body and that body needs nourishment." He eyed the soda located next to his plate. "What's gotten into you? I'm 100% sure that you know what's going to happen when you eat that roll."

"After chewing, the bolus formed will go through the pharynx, then the esophagus and down to the stomach where it will be digested", started the AI, "and the necessary nutrients are to be absorbed in the intestine. Sir, you have installed multiple encyclopedias and biology books into my programming but I doubt it helps with the actual process."

Tony gave out an exasperated sigh. "See? You know exactly what's going to happen, yet you can't bring yourself to eat that delicious roll... Wait a minute..."

"Sir?"

"Shut up J let me think."

Jarvis remained silent and carefully observed his creator, who was now staring at his third roll. Tony suddenly flashed him a smirk.

"Jarvis Bartholomew McClarence", Tony called, making his companion raise a brow at the weird name he just received, "are you actually afraid to take risks?"

"Sir, who is Jarvis Bartholomew McClarence?"

Tony waved his hand in dismissal. "It's just something random I came up with so that I could emphasize my point. Don't interrupt me. Now let me ask you again; Jarvis Bartholomew McClarence, are you actually afraid to take risks?" he said, emphasizing the new name in a more humorous manner.

"I do not agree with that name sir. Not especially since two of the waiters in this particular location are named 'Bartholomew' and - "

"And now you're avoiding my question." Tony teasingly remarked as he took a small piece of Jarvis' food with his fork, and picked it up. "My AI, my 'Just A Very Intelligent System', my one of a kind sentient program, is actually afraid to ingest Shawarma."

Jarvis opened his mouth in an attempt to argue, but Tony immediately forced his fork into his mouth.

At first his eyes widened in horror, but after a few seconds, Jarvis began to chew slowly. After swallowing, he stared at the roll once more.

"So?"

"It was surprisingly pleasant sir. I can now conclude that my taste buds are fully functional." He reached for his spoon and fork and cut pieces of the roll, looking quite eager.

Tony beamed inwardly as his AI started eating, but his happiness died after a while since Jarvis took every bite with caution. He was about to rant on how the guy chewed like a 250 year old turtle, but then he noticed something very important.

Loki turned Jarvis into a hot piece of ass.

His short, light blonde hair was unruly in a sexy way, and Tony cannot stop looking at the way his lips aggressively yet carefully moved as he gingerly chewed. And damn, those eyes! He had no idea that it was possible for someone to possess electric blue eyes that could glow faintly in a dark room. They were extremely sharp yet full of curiosity and innocence. He also loved the way his nose was sharp yet seemed sensitive; after all it was just perfectly sculpted yesterday. The man noticed a grain of rice just above his lip, and he used his tongue to seductively (only according to Tony and other females in the vicinity) retrieve the piece and return it into his surprisingly attractive mouth.

The best thing about this was that Jarvis had no idea that he was way too aesthetically pleasing to look at. Tony has already noted the number of women who looked hungrily at the oblivious man.

The billionaire was sweating now. He kept chanting certain things in his mind, like 'Shit. I am a manly male man possessing testosterone I am a manly male man possessing testosterone...'

Loki is a fucking piece of shit. He has established that fact and he will reestablish it again and again.

Keep your cool Stark. Keep your fucking cool. Shit.

"J, this is not a food commercial. Hurry up we still have stuff to do."

"One moment, sir. I need to gather sufficient data and store them for future use."

Tony rolled his eyes. Good, he didn't notice whatever he was going through right now. "Well fine, but don't tell me that it'll be an hour before you finish that." He glanced at the menu displayed on the counter. "J, do you want to try other stuff?"

Jarvis chewed the current portion for the 36th time. "Like what, sir?"

"Shawarmas are savory. I'm in the mood for something sweet." Yeah, he needed something cold and sweet to wash of the annoying female hormones causing him to think of unthinkable scenarios.

"What do you suggest, sir?"

Tony called the waiter named Bartholomew, who had curly black hair and looked like he was in his early twenties. "Hey you!" Bartholomew looked at his direction, and pointed at himself while mouthing 'me?'

"Yes you. Isn't your nickname supposed to be 'you'?"

The waiter motioned towards them. "Why'd you assume that, ma'am?"

"You know, Bartholom-YOU. Makes perfect sense. Anyway, get me 2 cups of your vanilla ice cream." Tony waved him away.

Bartholomew didn't move an inch. Tony felt his stare boring through his skull. "So are you going to move or should I call your pal over there called McClarence to finish the job?"

"You know for a pretty woman, you sure are bossy. Like my boss." Tony's nose scrunched up at his 'bossy like my boss' remark. But he was disgusted mostly because he was called a pretty woman.

"Thanks. Anyway, the ice cream please."

"Whatever."

He left, leaving Tony to stare at Jarvis who was still chewing pieces of the same damn roll.

"You operated faster when you were still a program."

Jarvis locked his gaze into Tony, then started to eat in a hastened pace. "The data I have gathered now stored into my memory. It would be easier to remember the taste of this roll."

His creator sighed. "You're no longer a program J, there's no need to put much effort into storing data or memories because your brain will do it for you automatically… are you in denial or something?"

"I find it comforting to operate the way I used to. It helps me adjust to my newly acquired functions." He started opening and closing his hands in front of him. "I still find muscle movements both disturbing and interesting."

Tony let out a sigh. "That's how I feel about this situation we're in."

"Here you are guys; two cups of vanilla ice cream", Bartholomew chirped. He placed one in front of Tony and the other in front of Jarvis.

"Thank you, Bartholomew."

"You're welcome sir." He smiled at Jarvis, and ignored Tony.

"Well that was rude", he muttered while scooping up some ice cream. Before he indulged himself with the dessert, he carefully observed the man in front of him.

Jarvis took a scoop, and gingerly placed it in his mouth. His eyes immediately widened, and he did a double take. "That was quite unexpected."

Tony stifled his chuckled by eating numerous scoops. "What was?"

"I felt a new sensation…" he trailed off and looked into a wall, as if mentally going through the data banks he once possessed. "Sir, is this ice cream what you would call 'cold'?"

"Oh! Yes yes it's cold. Holy shit I forgot for a second that you aren't used to physical sensations yet." He went back to consuming the cold treat. He was about to take the last scoop but stopped when he glanced at the man in front of him.

Jarvis was staring at him intently, and the way his eyes looked at him was enough to turn him on.

"What? Am I man again?" Tony kept his cool with much fucking effort and felt his chest, but found himself cupping his breasts. "Apparently not."

Jarvis suddenly shifted nearer to Tony, and his hand cupped her face. Sweat beads were starting to form. "Jarvis - "

Shit. He was getting dangerously close, and he locked his gaze on his creator's mouth. Tony felt Jarvis' thumb move towards his lips as if removing something there, and that's when the AI sat back down.

Jarvis licked off the ice cream from his finger without ever changing the way he still stared at Tony, whose heart was beating way too fast. After licking his thumb, in a sexy way I might add, he broke the eye contact and squinted at his finger. "The ice cream smear from your face isn't as cold as the one inside the bowl."

It took Tony 5 seconds to get his brain working. "Uhh of course. A major part of its surface area has already been exposed to human body temperature; my temperature."

Did he just admit that he was getting really hot right now?

Jarvis was still squinting at his finger. "Interesting. I need to store this into my data banks as well."

"Knock yourself out."

Tony himself was already pretty knocked out. That weird moment with Jarvis was really energy draining. He desperately needed to get back in his original body, or else his female emotions will get the better of him.

He needed to find Loki fast.

"J, pay for the food. And get ready as well; we have work to do."

* * *

Pepper turned her attention to the man by the door, who was wearing a black cap, a white shirt with the American flag on it, a pair of jeans and flip flops.

She should really start teaching Captain America how to dress according to the modern times.

"Ms. Potts?"

"Steve, I just told you an hour ago that you should call me Pepper." She smiled, approached the tall man and gave him a hug, and Steve reciprocated by planting a peck on her head.

"I hope you're doing well", Steve said, observing Pepper closely. "You just got back here from different business meetings... Have you slept well?"

Pepper gave him a weak smile. "I'll rest once I know that Tony's alright."

The Captain shifted his attention to the broken mug and to the blanket on the floor, then he glanced up to the ceiling.

"So Jarvis hasn't been responding?"

Pepper shook her head. "I've tried talking to him for the past hour and none of the usual commands would make him reply. I attempted to do an override, and I was almost halfway through when I realized that I forgot how to do it. Tony's usually the one who knows Jarvis' protocols more than I do…" The woman trailed off, as if remembering something.

"I know that he's just a program but I can't help but feel worried for him too. He's more of a friend, you know? We've been through a lot together."

Steve nodded solemnly, understanding her emotions. "Yeah, without Jarvis it's going to be really quiet around here."

The man reminisced the moments he had with the AI. Jarvis was really adept at teaching him how to use the household appliances such as the toaster, the washing machine, the oven, and Tony's Wii console. He was also there to converse with him when he was lonely. There was this time when all Steve did was chat with Jarvis for a whole afternoon about the most ridiculous things, like whether one should pour milk before cereal, or whether the chicken came before the egg.

The large man, headed towards the workshop, and punched in the numbers Tony made specifically for him.

Steve quickly noticed the gun-like things on the ceiling.

"Are these the blasters you were talking about?"

"Yes. Tony just installed them last week so I think these are different compared to the last one."

He observed the intricate designed it had. He had never seen these before. "Yeah, these are new to me."

Holograms of the MARK suits were still hovering around the main table, which was filed with different kinds of monitors.

"He was working on something, but I can't specify what. All I know that it had something to do with his suits", Pepper remarked while hovering her fingers across the holographic projections.

Steve carefully observed her motions and the way the projections responded to her movements. He still wasn't used to how technology worked during these times.

"Can you get information from those… floating images?"

Pepper chuckled. "I think he was adjusting some settings, but that's all I could get from this. Jarvis usually translates the codes and numbers to English that I could actually understand."

Steve nodded. "You have cameras installed around, right? Did you check the footage of what happened here a day ago?"

The stressed woman sat down on the sofa Tony used to place all his blueprints and scratch papers. "I thought of that, then I realized that I don't know how. Usually I just ask Jarvis to show me the footage."

"Wow", Steve breathed out, in an unbelieving manner, "you're going to need at least a week to get used to Jarvis' disappearance."

"I know… Do you have any other ideas we could try?"

Steve closed his eyes and tried to focus. "I think we can call Romanov or Barton. I don't know if they can get past Tony's programs, but I'm sure they can trace a cellphone. Does his phone still ring?"

Pepper took out her cell phone and dialed the man's number. It rang a couple of times.

"It still rings, but he doesn't answer." Pepper was getting really worried now. "Damn it Tony, pick up!"

* * *

"She's calling again."

"Why won't you answer it, sir? It must be relevant."

"It's Pepper; of course it's relevant." Tony scanned the different bras and bikinis that were surrounding them right now. "But I have way more relevant things to do."

They stood in the middle of the women's underwear section inside the department store, and he was having the time of his life. Tony had waited for a moment like this since he was 17 years old, and the bonus thing was that no saleslady will drag him away and no paparazzi were there to record this crowning achievement. Yes, the situation was really disturbing, but being who he is, he'd still find a way to ignore the bigger elephant in the room and have a little fun with it.

"J, which do you prefer, seductive black or innocent white?" He held up the white bra in his right hand and the black one in another. "Come on, I won't judge you for whatever you choose."

"How would you want me to choose, sir? Based on the strength and elasticity of the material, or based on the comfort it could provide to your mammary glands?"

"How about you just choose?"

Jarvis squinted at both. "I think you'll look good in white, sir."

"Have you been watching angel porn lately?"

Tony swears he saw Jarvis' eye twitch. Messing around his overly serious AI was incredibly fun. "Get me 5 of these. I also need 4 sets of briefs."

"Briefs, sir?"

"Yes. Did I stutter?" Tony looked hungrily at a lacey piece of red underwear he found near the corner. "Just get any random set of briefs and meet me back here. Or in the lady's clothes section. You know what, I think I'll be staying here for a while."

Jarvis did a small nod and went to find his owner some briefs. Tony remained looking at the red underwear and the other incredible bikinis.

"Excuse me ma'am?"

Tony shifted his attention to the woman standing beside her. She had long black hair and seemed to be of Chinese descent.

"Yeah?"

"Are you buying that? Because if not, I really want to try it on. My husband and I are leaving for a vacation in Hawaii this weekend and I - "

"Don't fill me with the details; just go and try it." Tony handed her the underwear by pushing it into her mildly.

"Uhh… thank you?" said the woman. She looked confused and insulted, but she left with a smile while admiring the piece of clothe she acquired.

Tony felt really weird. It's as if he experienced something he's never tried before.

And no, this was not about his change in gender, because he was really doing awesome lately, and no one suspects that he was a guy-turned-into-a-girl.

He tried to think about why it felt different talking to the lady for a few minutes, while staring at the polka-dot bikini to his right.

Then it hit him.

It's been a long time since he talked to normal people. Sure, he has talked with Officer Barnes and some officers a while ago but he still had authority over them. He doesn't mean to discriminate, but he considers himself above average. The people he surrounds himself with are all above average as well.

It's as if for the past year all he has ever spoken to was Pepper, Happy, Rhodey, the Avengers and Fury, some business partners and pesky journalists. There's that kid from his experience with the Extremis… what was his name again? Harold? Harley? In addition, he's been spending countless hours inside his laboratory and workshop, and the only entity that accompanied him the entire time was Jarvis.

Anyway, Tony Stark was not used to mingling with people outside his usual circle.

This was going to be a problem. He still hasn't told Jarvis that he had no intention of going back to the Tower, not with Pepper around. The rest of the gang already finished up the mission given to them, so sooner or later they'll be back and he has no intention of appearing in front of them looking like this.

He has already thought up of a plan anyway, so the decision is final. He's not going to go back to the tower.

Tony was getting bored of looking at all the underwear and decided to look for his AI. He scanned the area for a tall, blonde guy, but he was unable to spot him.

"Gonna have to buy a phone for him soon", he muttered to himself as he paced around the mall looking for the cashiers. His hands remained crossed across his chest, because the mall was full of busy people and he had no intention of humiliating himself in front of these commoners.

After a few minutes of encircling the underwear section for the 3rd time, he found the man who just finished paying for his underwear.

He wasn't alone though; he was surrounded by a group of women who appeared to be old enough to drink.

"Oh my gosh, so you're British?" asked the brown haired woman with unbelievably large hoop earrings. She was slowly encircling her arms around Jarvis, who seemed to subtly ignore the action.

Jarvis was not entirely uncomfortable with the situation, but he really wanted to limit his social interactions since he still wasn't sure if he'd appear as a normal human being. "It's highly logical for you to think that I am British; after all I was installed with this voice and accent."

Another woman held Jarvis' other arm, admiring the well toned yet lean muscles. "You must be a model. What exercise routines do you do every day? I mean, you look unbelievably fit." She traced Jarvis abdominal muscles, and the AI backed away very slightly because he was beginning to feel things he wasn't used to feeling.

Two other women, both blonde with short hair kept on staring at his face. One of them, the one with the pink hand bag, gave him a sly smile. "You know what, we should get a drink. It'll be my treat." The rest of the women agreed hastily, making the man really nervous.

The other blonde nodded and looked at his feet. "But we better get you some shoes first."

"That really won't be necessary ma'am." He was trying really hard to keep a friendly, smiling face.

"Aww come on! I mean you're still single right? You should know what the night life in the U.S. feels like. You might even hook up with some girls here!"

Tony was trying so hard not to laugh. Jarvis' face right now was so precious; it was like he was so constipated with emotion and he doesn't know how to react to this situation.

Time to save the day. The former guy waltzed in to the scenario looking quite smug.

"Sorry ladies, but this guy's having a drink with me." Tony exclaimed, making sure that those bitches were hearing him right.

"Sir!" His creator shot him a stern 'Do-not-ever-call-me-sir-in-public!' look.

"And who are you?" asked the brown-haired girl. Her large earrings were incredibly distracting.

Tony looked at them with a serious face. "Technically, I'm his mother." He took Jarvis' arm and hauled him away from the group, leaving them to their open mouths.

"Time to go now, son."

The AI breathed a really huge sigh of relief and smiled at his creator. He didn't know he was doing so; the human part of his complicated brain was beginning to function.

When they were about two meters away, Tony heard one of them shout "OH MY GOSH NO WAY SHE'S TOO YOUNG TO BE HIS MOM!"

He couldn't help it; he wore a smug smile of pride all the way to the shoes section.

"That was an excellent move, sir", stated Jarvis who was still feeling a bit tired yet amused.

"I really have to orient you about several things J." Tony looked at the several models of shoes that were displayed. He had to find new stuff for the both of them if he wanted to go on board with his plan.

"Like what, sir?"

"Like the fact that I somehow agree with those girls; you are incredibly hot." There, he said it. He unconsciously grabbed a black school shoe from the nearby rack and examined its parts closely.

Jarvis tried to process the information. "And I suppose by 'hot' you don't mean high temperature, sir?" The man smirked sexily.

Tony shot him a surprised look. "You smug son of a bitch. How long have you known about this?"

"Ever since I noticed your rapid breathing rates back at the Shawarma restaurant."

Wait a second, he noticed it?

"Not just that sir, your pupils dilated significantly, your heart was beating 4x faster than normal, you started to sweat despite the cool temperature provided by the air condition - "

"Okay, okay stop right there." Jarvis didn't want to be interrupted, but he stopped talking anyway.

"First of all, the air conditioning there sucked. It was really hot but you haven't noticed it yet, probably because of you getting used to your senses." He took another random shoe and observed it way too hard. "Second; the food was so delicious that I had to stop and take a couple of breaths of appreciation. My pupils practically dilated at the savory taste it had."

Jarvis gave him another sexy smirk. "Of course sir."

Ughh, this was so annoying. He had to keep his female hormones and physiological responses in check.

"Anyway", exclaimed Tony. He had to change the subject quickly. "We have to get ourselves a huge set of new clothes. Oh yeah J, we're not going back to the tower."

The AI's eyes went wide. "And why is that, sir?"

"The Capsicle and his rowdy band arrived earlier this morning and Pepper just came back from Dubai. I'm not going to waltz in there looking like a tramp. Anyway, I have a plan to capture Loki." The man took another shoe and inspected the intricate patterns it had.

"Miss Potts has arrived? But she was scheduled to depart tomorrow."

Tony frowned. "I know. She said that she came back here because of me, but it's probably because of her Mr. Beard."

"Sir, Mark doesn't have a beard."

"I'll call him whatever I want. Anyway, we're going to get a hotel room in some fancy hotel and stay there for the mean time. That's why we're going to need some new clothes and new laptops. Also phones; we need to buy phones."

Jarvis tried to assess whether this was all necessary. "Is this part of the plan sir?"

Tony took another shoe and carefully observed its shoelaces. "Of course."

"And are you certain it will work?"

By this time, the billionaire was holding 4 different models of shoes. "We'll figure that out later."


	5. Tony's Missing?

"One room please. Make sure it's at the topmost floor, has the best view and the biggest area. Do you guys have rooms with Jacuzzis?"

The hotel clerk eyed Tony with judgmental eyes. Maybe it was because he wasn't dressed as someone who could afford to stay in the best suite they have. He was still wearing his black shirt and his pants (which were kind of large for him), except now his hair was in a fixed bun, with a few wavy strands hanging next to his ears.

"No ma'am, but we do have an indoor pool at the roof of the hotel, near the topmost floor. Suites located on that level are expensive though, I don't think - "

The billionaire took out a big wad of cash, and handed it to the clerk. He would've used his debit card but his appearance did not match the name and using it may mean trouble. "Don't think. We'll take it, right Dad?"

Tony flashed a mocking smile at Jarvis' direction, and the man furrowed his eyebrows in annoyance. He was currently carrying the many bags of stuff they bought.

The two went shopping for clothes earlier, and Tony was definitely against Jarvis' choices. Of course, he wanted his AI to decide for himself, but he can't help but be a bit repulsed by the combination of the clothes he chose. He was wearing a long sleeve light blue polo and over it, a sweater vest with those common diamond patterns. He even donned large eyeglasses since he said that he was going to modify it somehow later. The pants he chose were very light brown and he wore dark brown leather shoes. When Tony asked him several times as to why this, he only remarked on how it was comfortable on his body.

Tony won't deny that Jarvis looked incredibly hot and innocent at the same time because of the glasses, but when you zoom out to include the entire outfit…

"Sir, I still do not get why you address me as if I were your father. Logically, it should be the other way around."

The clerk did a double take when he heard Jarvis say 'sir', and then quietly resumed processing the papers for the suite. Tony shot Jarvis another 'do-not-ever-call-me-sir-in-public' look.

"Jarvis", he started with a calm tone, "you look like a typical suburban dad with a wife named Helen who prepares salad for dinner all the time. With those clothes I can easily assume that you have two kids named Jonathan and Amanda, whom you call 'sport' and 'princess' respectively."

"Sir, I do not even live in the suburbs."

"According to your outfit, you do." Tony focused his attention back to the clerk.

"Everything's in place ma'am", he said, handing him the key, "You'll occupy room 2503. Enjoy your stay."

Tony grabbed the key and waltzed to the nearest elevator. "Come on Jarvis, hurry up. We need to settle our stuff and start with the plan."

"Just a moment sir."

He awkwardly yet very efficiently carried all the bags containing various things towards the elevator where Tony was headed. The contents of the bag were mostly new clothes and gadgets like brand new laptops, cell phones, and some other devices such as a router, several wires, and small chips.

The elevator was occupied by a lady, around her late fifties. Tony ignored her, and Jarvis gave her a small nod. The doors closed and the elevator started to move up.

The lady looked at Jarvis. "First time in New York?"

She was starting a conversation with the man. "Oh no, I've been here for quite a long time already, ma'am."

She glanced at Tony. "Oh… Both you and your wife?"

Tony nearly choked and tried damn hard not to react strongly. He scoffed and gave her a look of ridicule. "We're not married."

"Ah, so you're still engaged?"

Tony choked again. Jarvis seemed to be very okay with all this.

The woman's eyes widened all of a sudden, as if realizing something. "OH! Are you both on your way to a one night stand?"

Tony was about to start a tactless argument when his AI butted in. "I have no romantic relationship with my master, ma'am. I merely am there to assist him in everything he needs me to do." Jarvis raised his arms, showing her the numerous bags he was carrying for him.

"Master?" She looked suspiciously at Tony's direction.

"Yes. He has created me to control his house systems and to specifically attend to all his needs - "

"OKAY you can shut up now J." Tony faced the lady. "It's not what you think. He's actually the family butler, who also happens to be a dad of two." He was still disgusted by the outfit.

Jarvis' eye twitched for the second time today. He didn't know why it did that, though. Must be muscle reflex.

The woman chuckled, and turned to Jarvis. "Oh! You have kids?"

"He has two very beautiful kids named Jonathan and Amanda. They visit every Saturday and make quite a ruckus back at the mansion." Tony chuckled softly, acting as if remembering something. "His wife Helen helps with making the salad for dinner. She also tries so hard to cook French food, but ends up making it taste like Italian."

Jarvis didn't know why he was very tempted to flick a finger on his master's face.

"Oh what a pity." The elevator stopped and the door opened, indicating that this was her stop. "You know what? You two would've made a great pair."

Tony tried to keep his eyes from widening, and he mentally slapped the lady. "Yeah, no. Why would you even think that?" The woman gave her a very heartfelt smile, leaving Tony to his question marks.

She stepped out slowly and faced them one last time. "Take good care of the beautiful lady, sexy."

"Of course, ma'am." He gave her one of his reassuring, calm smiles.

The doors closed, leaving them alone in the elevator. "Wow. You're so quick to assume that you're sexy."

"So far there has been no evidence against it, sir." He smirked again; a very human gesture. He was picking up fast.

"Fuck you."

Tony tried to gather his thoughts. Loki was a little shit for making Jarvis fucking hot, and he just had to add the factor of turning him into a woman ripe with all the wrong hormones and feelings. The combination was going to be extremely dangerous for him.

"Holy shit I just realized something."

"What is it sir?"

Tony looked at him seriously. "I look like a woman and you're obviously a guy, and if we keep doing stuff together it would be easy for people to assume certain... things about us." The AI merely raised a brow.

Jarvis was currently bringing all of Tony's shopping bags, while his master carried nothing but his wallet. This scenario is usually observed with young couples who have just finished shopping.

"Jarvis, quick, give me one of the bags. Hmmm… Make it two."

He took the bags that had their clothes, and left him all the other heavy gadgets. "Now we won't be suspected as a couple." Tony's logic sometimes was peculiar, but Jarvis supported him anyway.

"Very good, sir."

They finally arrived at their floor, and Tony hurriedly looked for their room. Jarvis was not far behind him. As they searched for it, they ran into a woman and a man bringing bags of clothes from a popular designer shop.

The man looked at Tony, then at his girlfriend. "Baby, look she's carrying some of the weight too! Come on help me out here."

Tony felt his eye twitch.

The girl looked back at his boyfriend. "What? Oh! She's just helping her dad out, stupid."

Jarvis' eye twitched for the third time today, making Tony stifle a laugh. Once they were away from the couple, he finally let go and laughed out loud.

"You… You know what J?... Keep that damn outfit", he said, nearly out of breath.

He found it weird to sound like a girl, but laughing was quite pleasant. Wow, when was the last time he did that? Ever since the incident with New York and Pepper, Tony had been too busy with more important stuff. He had no time to feel jubilant or whatever.

"Sir," Jarvis called from far behind him. "I believe that this is our room."

He used the key to open the door, and the both of them carefully put their stuff down. Tony turned the lights on and inspected the place.

It had a nice, bright gold aura. The curtains were a peaceful brown, and the place was quite big. The ornamental plants were not bad either. There was a large table, almost as big as the one in Tony's workshop, which he found highly convenient. The long sofa was placed in front of a large flat screen TV.

"J, what are the specs of that TV?"

"Its diagonal length is 59.95 inches and a sound system of ultra surround. For its picture quality, it possesses triple XD engine, TRU color generator and black control, and can perform in ultra HD. Sound specifications are quite impressive as well."

"We can so beat that."

Jarvis nodded. "Yes sir. It would be easy to make your own television set with better technical specifications."

"Let's add that to our list of projects to do… Hey, J?"

"Yes sir?"

Tony stared hard at him, and he talked in a low, bewildered yet serious tone. "I don't know why, but the fact that you're human now is just beginning to sink in completely into my systems… Holy shit J, you're HUMAN. You used to be just a piece of code that I made in my younger years, but now you're made of flesh and blood."

Jarvis raised a brow. "I thought you've registered that a while ago, sir."

"Yeah I did but I'm just digesting it now. Wow. How are you doing? I mean, you were never used to feeling all the sensations like touching and tasting, and all of a sudden you're eating Shawarma."

"It was overwhelming sir. I thought I was going to experience a certain overload of sensations but I managed somehow."

The billionaire looked at him with a straight face. "What about emotions, J? Are you feeling any of those? Well, I'm pretty sure that you've already had those way before you were human anyway."

The AI frowned. "I highly doubt that sir."

"Oh shut up. You've changed so much since the first time you've booted up. You were already very emotional before all this. It was evident because of the way you were easily worried for me or Pepper, or how you found it highly amusing to mess around with Steve or Clint by giving them the wrong instructions to the Wii gaming console."

A faint blush crept to his face, showing the Jarvis was flustered. Tony noted the very faint blush and saw how cute he looked when he does that, especially since he was wearing big-ass glasses now. "You were aware of that?" he whispered softly, not expecting Tony to hear him. Then in a louder voice, he argued, "Sir, I was merely acting according to the protocol you gave me. There were no emotions involved, I believe."

"Yeah right. So I suppose the moment you misguided Natasha to Agent's room while he was buck naked was part of my protocol?"

Jarvis looked down and scratched the back of his neck; human sign of embarrassment. "I was just testing out a theory I came up with at that moment. And his name is Phil. Have you checked the bedrooms, sir?"

Now he was changing the subject. Tony rolled his eyes and let him have his way. He wasn't going to overload his AI with embarrassment right now, because it might cause him to short circuit or something. But he will do it soon.

Tony proceeded to an amber colored door, which he assumed was the bedroom. He stopped when he took a good long look inside.

"Shit. I forgot to mention that we needed separate beds."

A king-sized with silk bed sheets and fluffy pillows was what caught his attention. Inside the room were also a large cabinet, and a small bedside table with an antique looking lamp. He entered and scanned the restroom found inside. It was huge enough for a large bath tub, a shower, a sink and a porcelain toilet bowl.

"Damn you hotel clerk," he muttered under his breath. "Jarvis! I need you to sleep on the couch."

The AI was still busy arranging the stuff they bought in the main room. He approached Tony inside the bedroom. "Is there a reason as to why I need to sleep on the couch, sir? I doubt that I'll be sleeping… " His eyes landed on the king-sized bed, and his brain showed him several images of what people do in those things, besides having some shut eye.

"Ah. Of course sir, I can quite understand the predicament."

"Yeah, no shit." He turned to his AI. "No hard feelings, okay J? You probably wanna try this big soft bed buuuuut I don't think it would be great if we both occupied at the same time."

"I have seen enough footage of what you can accomplish in bed sir. Especially with one this size, so it is highly likely that I will not be within the vicinity of the bed…" He trailed off, and scanned through his memories. "Judging by the size, you can fit in 4 people. I think I remember that there was that one time that you brought in two lovely women - "

"Okay that threesome was the best one I had since college… So far I had accomplished only 3 of those in my lifetime…" Tony beamed with pride, something he does almost every day. "Hmm I better plan another one soon, once I get Tony Jr. back." He smiled at himself as he remembered how wet he'd gotten those girls. The former man sat comfortably on the soft bed.

Jarvis rolled his eyes, another thing that intrigued his creator. It was so weird that just a few days ago, he had to imagine the AI do all the facial expressions by just hearing the tone in his voice. Now, he actually gets to see the real thing.

"I hope it doesn't end up like the last time you had sex sir."

"What? Wow you even store into memory the times I last had…"

Tony grew silent when one very notable thing came across his mind.

"Loki." He said, full of resentment. But that faded away fast because it was quickly replaced with confusion. "Jarvis, do you still remember everything that happened? Before you know, the sudden appearance of my boobs?"

"I recall a black-haired woman approaching you during the party the night before the incident sir. First, you ignored her, but she whispered something in your ear, and all of a sudden you wouldn't to listen to anyone from your surroundings, including me." Jarvis' eyes met his. "But then you almost always ignore anything I say, despite it being for your own good."

"Oh come on J, it's not like I choose to ignore you all the time…"

The tall man glared daggers at his master.

"Okay, so maybe I do. Anyway, what happened next?" Tony tried preventing him from sulking. Jarvis has the ability to sulk now. Nice.

"You were approaching your room with the woman behind you. I started making scans of the abnormal waves she was emitting, and by the time I found out her true identity by matching the results with the stored patterns in our database, she was already on top of you."

"What?! Loki was leading?"

"Yes… it was really a peculiar sight, sir. Usually you assert your dominance during the copulation."

"Well shit." Tony flopped down on the bed and let out a big sigh. "You know that I hate losing Jarvis, but if I ever suddenly want to have sex with Loki again only to prove and assert my dominance in bed, then you must immediately slap some sense into me." He closed his eyes and tried to calm his sudden headache down.

Jarvis gave him a gentle smile, and raised his arm to show his hand. "It will be easier this time around sir, because I now have the ability to literally slap some sense into you."

The AI was expecting some snarky reply from the former man, but all he heard were heavy snores. Jarvis slowly motioned to properly position his master on the bed, and covered his body with the soft blanket.

"Good night, sir."

* * *

Steve woke up later than he should. Usually he was up by 5 am, ready to go for a run around the Stark Tower; occasionally Sam does several laps with him. Today he didn't expect to be up by 7:30.

He skipped exercise and proceeded to make some pancakes in the common kitchen, where the members eat most of their meals together. He was wearing his usual pajama outfit: a plain white shirt and knee-length shorts.

"Jarvis, can you – "

Oh wait. Right, the AI wasn't functioning anymore.

"Nevermind."

This was the first time he attempted cooking on his own. Usually, Jarvis dictates the steps on how to prepare pancakes or waffles. If not, then Natasha or Bruce was there to take the lead.

Steve took a look at the shelves above him, and he noticed that the usual pancake mix wasn't in the same spot. He scanned the other shelves, some cupboards and even the refrigerator. Did they run out of pancake mix?

Damn, he was going to have to start from scratch.

"Okay… I think I need some flour, milk, eggs…"

All of a sudden, he heard a loud bang from behind him.

BANG!

"What the - "

Steve assumed a battle stance as he turned to the direction of the sound. He did not expect to see Clint standing angrily by the door, wet, naked, with only a towel covering his lower torso. It was weird that he was still wearing his goggles from their last mission.

"Barton? What's this about?" He was quite disturbed by the sight he was staring at.

"Did someone turn off Jarvis?"

Oh yeah, he hasn't informed the others yet. Most of the members arrived late last night, so Steve wasn't able to update his teammates about the latest development.

"Oh yeah, about that… He hasn't been functioning since yesterday." Clint noticed how Steve's face darkened all of a sudden. "Also, Stark has disappeared, and I think he did so about the same time Jarvis stopped responding."

"What? That's impossible." Clint sat down on the chair near their dining table, and it disturbed Steve to see the water droplets scattering everywhere. He was going to have to mop soon.

"It isn't impossible. One proof of that is that he hasn't been responding to any of the requests I've been asking. If Tony were around, he would've fixed it in an instant."

Clint used a smaller towel to messily dry his hair, scattering even more water droplets on the table and the floor. "So where the fuck is Stark? He still owes me a new set of improved hearing aids after he 'accidentally' lost the old ones."

"I don't know. Pepper and I tried to find leads on his whereabouts yesterday, but we can't seem to find anything. We could've looked at the surveillance tapes but we were used to having Jarvis show them directly so…" Steve shrugged and proceeded to gather all the ingredients he needed.

"So what you did yesterday got you nowhere, because it involved too much tech." Clint stared at the ceiling. "I really doubt that Stark's in trouble though; he's probably off sleeping with some woman out there. Just leave the searching to me and Nat."

"That was what I was planning from the start." The man was still scanning the shelves for stuff he needed.

"The sugar is in the ref, and the milk is in the third cupboard to the right."

Steve turned to Clint. "They're not usually stored there. You really have to know their proper places before - ."

BANG!

The loud bang of the door startled both he and Clint into doing another one of their battle stances, expecting an unexpected attack.

By the door stood a wet and half naked Dr. Banner, looking very frustrated.

"Jarvis isn't responding to me at all. Did any of you piss him off?" He carefully adjusted his glasses and turned to the both of them. The duo relaxed their tense muscles and breathed a sigh of relief and frustration.

Steve glared at the man, then at Clint. "Okay I am sensing a theme here. What's with the sauna outfit?"

Clint looked at Bruce. "You put all of your clothes in the laundry, didn't you?" Bruce shot him a confused look.

"No, that's going to damage the washing machine… I was on my way to get my clothes from the laundry I started last night… usually Jarvis has them ready by the next day, but apparently all my dirty clothes haven't been washed yet. What's worse was that I was already done bathing, and I kind of locked myself from my room…" Bruce gave made a small smile of embarrassment. "I asked Jarvis to open it for me but nothing's happening."

"Oh, I thought you wash all your clothes at once, like me." Clint smiled proudly. "I've damaged a lot of washing machines in my lifetime but surprisingly the one Stark has can manage all my clothes in the war against the stains."

Bruce gave him a look of distaste. "That is an awfully inefficient method for washing clothes."

"Well, it's pretty damn efficient when I do it."

Steve chuckled at the both of them. "You know what, I can lend you guys some of my clothes. Luckily I didn't attempt laundry or bathing yet."

"I bet all he has are shirts of the statue of liberty, a bald eagle, or the American flag", Clint whispered to Bruce, but he still made sure Steve heard him loud and clear.

BANG!

Another bang from the door, this time much louder than the previous ones, startled the trio into assuming battle stances once again.

"THE INTANGIBLE VOICE FROM THE HEAVENS HAS VANISHED."

"Dammit Thor!" Clint sunk back to his chair, but was careful so as not to accidentally let his towel fall off. Bruce seemed really shaken off, so he sat on the chair opposite to Clint, rubbed his temples and started counting to 20 to ease his stress.

Steve was even more bothered than the two since Thor was wet, and like the other men, was donning only a wet towel.

"Thor, you guys do laundry in Asgard?"

The Norse god turned to Steve. "I have not experienced doing this... laundry. I was merely cleansing myself when I felt that the temperature of the sudden rush of water from your sophisticated fountain was not according to my liking."

"Or in other words, the water was too cold?"

Thor nodded at Clint. "Yes, eye of the hawk. The voice of the structure usually assures to fix the problem, but this time he has not responded to a single call."

The Captain was listening intently to Thor, but he can't help but feel frustrated about the wet floor. He was going to need a better mop to dry up the lake that was forming quickly.

"Oh yeah Steve, tell them about Tony's disappearance."

Bruce's and Thor's eyes widened at the news.

"The man of iron has vanished as well? Where has he gone?" Thor looked like a wet puppy that just lost a bone.

Steve looked solemn. "No one knows. Usually Jarvis does, but he's gone as well."

"How is that even possible?" The scientist thought of several ways to shut down the AI, but all the methods had a corresponding positive output, since Tony designed his AI too damn well. "Does Pepper know?" Bruce asked with a voice of concern.

"She was the one who informed me about this."

Before Steve proceeded to tell them the details, a soft creak was heard from behind the group, and they all turned to see a shocked Natasha, still with her bed hair, holding a large box of cereal.

At first she seemed confused, but then a wide grin escaped her face. "So am I late for the orgy?"

Clint stifled a laugh. "Actually, you're just in time. Steve's about to do one of his dance shows."

Thor raised a brow. "Is that so?" He turned to the Captain, and grinned at the man. "I am looking forward to what you are about to present, Captain."

Steve looked visibly flustered. "What, no!"

The spy duo was laughing hysterically, and Bruce can't help but smile as well.

The Captain refrained from grinning. "Come on guys, we have serious things to discuss about. Tony's missing."

Laughter died and was replaced with a forbidding aura. Nat was the only one who wasn't informed about this, so naturally she was puzzled.

"What do you mean by missing?"

Steve turned to the Russian spy. "Pepper and I are not sure if he went away on his own will, or if he was taken by someone. There is a high probability that he was taken though, since Jarvis took out the blasters and was not able to hide them afterwards, which was what he usually does."

Steve let out a long breath. "Guys, we have a side mission: Find Tony Stark and get him to repair Jarvis ASAP."

He focused on Clint. "Barton, I need you and Romanov to track his phone's signal. Apparently it still rings; he's just not picking up."

"Roger that. But first I need clothes."


	6. Period

Author's note: OH MY GOSH thanks for all the reviews guys! I actually posted this in AO3 and copied it here by the time i had 5 chapters up, so that's why the development seemed fast XD

Thank you so much for all the support!

* * *

Jarvis finally finished the modifications to his eyeglasses. It now functioned like one of Tony's interactive screens from his Ironman suits, making it easier for the man to study most of the things around him. He focused his gaze on a potted plant, and after putting pressure on the temple tips, data was shown to him in the form of bright blue numbers and letters, like what the scientific name of the plant was or how many grains of sand or pebbles were in the pot. He was lucky that his hands were made to perfectly deal with the very small chips, and that they were steady enough to hold devices used for handling them such as a soldering iron and forceps.

Because of working on it, the AI was not able to sleep at all. He secretly hated sleeping, mainly because it was equivalent to a total shutdown; he couldn't be updated on the events that would happen around him. The thought of something harming Tony while he was asleep was quite frightening to him.

He felt pretty proud for successfully staying awake till sunrise. The only problem was that he felt like his whole body was vibrating from fatigue, because stayed up the whole time he was in jail. The only sleep he's ever had since he obtained his human body was when he napped inside the cab with Tony. And that didn't even last for an hour. He found it extremely uncomfortable, but he was firm on his 'no sleeping' rule.

The tall man yawned four times in a row. He noticed how blinking was painful, and the new sensation bothered him a lot. He tried not blinking for several seconds, but that wasn't a good solution at all, since the burning pain worsened. The weary man sighed, and slowly motioned to Tony's room.

He smiled softly at his master who was sleeping soundly under the blankets, and whose hair was now an unruly mess compared to his fixed bun yesterday.

Jarvis thought everything was okay until he carefully observed something wrong with the sheets. Despite the presence of dark bags under his eyes, they widened in surprise when he realized that something was going on with Tony.

"Oh dear", he whispered to himself.

* * *

"So what's the plan?" Clint took his last spoonful of cereal and chewed louder than a pig.

He was now donning a black shirt with a print of the bald eagle and several stars. Steve's pants were slightly big for him, so he had to fold them up and wear a belt. He glanced at Bruce who was wearing a red shirt which had blue stripes and white stars, and Steve's army shorts. The archer chuckled.

"Suddenly I'm in the mood for fireworks and some barbecue."

"Can it, Barton."

Clint smiled in amusement. "Steve, you can't live life as if everyday's the fourth of July… Seriously, we look like some weird Captain America fan club."

Steve sighed. "Blame Tony. I never went out shopping for clothes 'cause he offered buy mine." The man rubbed his temples. "It was a big mistake really; I ended up having 5 boxes of shirts all with different designs."

Clint chuckled mockingly. "You gotta feel somewhat flattered though, Stark never buys anyone stuff. If he does, it's usually for Pepper."

"That's not something worth feeling flattered for." Steve turned his head to observe the people in the room. Natasha was fiddling on the screens that Tony left switched on in the workshop, and Bruce was sitting peacefully on one of the sofas, preoccupied with one of Tony's tablets. He was assigned to finding a way of getting Jarvis back, but he still hasn't found a solution.

"Where's Thor?" asked the Captain, bewildered. "Wasn't he with us just a while ago?"

"He said that there was an emergency back in Asgard", said the scientist, still not taking his eyes off the tablet. "The guy seemed pretty shaken off; I think something bad has happened."

Natasha called them from the table. "Okay guys, I think I have him."

Steve and Clint approached the Russian spy hastily, while Bruce remained focused with his task.

"His phone is located in some hotel not too far from here. Clint and I could check it out."

Steve nodded. "Alright. Do you want me to come with you guys?"

"That's not necessary. We're going to look like Cap's U.S.A. cult if we go out together." Clint glanced at Nat, who coincidentally and ironically was wearing a gray sweater with a blue and red print of the word "America!"

Steve's eyes widened. "Tony bought you clothes?" Bruce stared at Steve with ridicule due to the conclusion he just made, and then went back to messing with Tony's tab.

Nat gave him a smirk. "Oh, this? It's yours actually. Stark didn't mind when I snatched it from one of your boxes."

"You may want to snatch more." Steve scratched his head in annoyance, and stared at his shirt. "I think I need to buy better clothes."

Clint tapped on his shoulder. "Agreed. You go and finish that mission of yours, Cap. Tasha and I will head over to the hotel."

The archer took his finished bowl of cereal to the sink, and left it there for Steve to wash later. He glanced at the red head. "Wanna bet?"

Natasha raised an eyebrow.

"I'm putting my money on the notion that we're going to find him naked under the sheets with some random brunette."

The woman stared at him, closely. Clint only bets whenever he needs something from you, and most of the time he loses. He has never learned his lesson though. "So what is it that you want me to do this time?"

"If I win, you'll do my laundry."

Her eyes went wide. She was one of the many people who didn't get Clint's laundry tactics. "And if I win, you'll have to do your own laundry, in the normal, efficient way." She quickly left the computers and headed to prepare for their mission.

The man gaped at her. "Wait, what does that mean?" He chased after the woman, who was moving quite hastily away from the workshop. "Are you saying that I can't do laundry normally? Nat, we already talked about this!"

The duo disappeared from Steve's line of sight, leaving him and Bruce the remaining people in the room.

"Any luck?" He approached the man, and flopped on the sofa beside him.

Bruce didn't even glance at him, and Steve marveled at the way his hands were nimbly and swiftly operating the images projected by the tablet. "Not yet... No matter what command or protocol I try to override, the system seems to be defending itself, even if Jarvis doesn't respond verbally. It's like his consciousness is gone, but some remaining pieces of programs still operate the basic commands Tony put up."

Steve nodded earnestly. "I see."

"You didn't get any of that, huh?"

Steve nodded again, this time with more earnest. "Not a thing."

Bruce smiled sightly. "The main point is, I cannot find much of Jarvis codes anymore. It's like he was sucked out or something. Some little things remain though, like minimal programs that were not part of his code, but still helps operate the house."

Steve closed his eyes. "Do you think Tony did this?"

The scientist finally took his eyes off the tablet, and stared at the wall in front of him. "He is the only person capable of totally extracting his AI from the main systems." He looked at Steve straight in the eyes. "But why would he want to do that?"

"He may have his reasons. Knowing Stark, they may be selfish reasons." Steve gave out a deep breath. "I just hope he isn't going to cause trouble." The man trailed off, and stood up abruptly.

Steve inhaled deeply. "We really need him for the next mission Fury's given us, and it's going to happen within a few days from now; with or without him."

Bruce lowered his head and stared at the tablet. Steve was right; they really needed Tony's assistance for what they're about to do soon. It was a really unique mission, and everyone had their specific roles. Tony had the biggest role to play, but now that he's missing…

The Captain glanced at the computer screens Natasha left switched on. "It's all up to Romanov and Barton now."

* * *

For the third time this week, Tony didn't wake up peacefully.

He felt a certain sense of deja vu, mainly because he sensed that something was off again. He still possessed a woman's body… that wasn't new to him anymore. But he can't put a finger on the one thing that felt wrong.

The former man moved slightly to the right, and felt it a weird flow of liquid under the sheets

He was wet.

Not the sexy, fun kind of wet though; he felt really wet, like, literally.

The door to the bedroom opened slightly, and Jarvis came in quietly. "Sir, please do not panic."

Tony quickly shifted his attention to his AI, and sucked in a breath.

Jarvis finally removed the sweater vest, thank god. His blue polo was unbuttoned only in the chest area, and his hair was a tad more unruly than yesterday. This look works for him. Heck, it works too damn well on him.

Keep cool, Stark.

"Why would I panic, J? I'm pretty sure Loki's not here…" He took a look around, and once he confirmed that the god of mischief was nowhere near him, he tossed a confused look at the man, which quickly turned to horror. "Did Steve finally have sex after 70 years?!"

Jarvis' brows furrowed, and he bit his lip in confusion; another extremely human gesture."Is that something worth panicking about, sir?"

Tony looked genuinely shaken off. "Jarvis, no one's around to tape it okay, so yes, it is something we need to be very worried about. I mean, everyone wants to know if an old, flimsy war machine can still manage it in the battlefield."

The AI rubbed his temples. "Sir..."

Tony wasn't finished yet. "We absolutely have to record all the action though, including awkward conversations involving lame references to the culture of the 40's."

Jarvis sighed. "Sir, please observe your sheets closely."

The billionaire did as he was told by sitting up straight, and his eyes grew to the size of saucers when he saw what Jarvis was referring to.

He didn't take his eyes of the big red stains dirtying the blanket. He tossed it to the right with force, and groaned when he saw how all the blood was coming from his newly installed vagina. There wasn't much though, but Tony swears there was at least a liter of it.

"Fuck. That's it, Loki's suffering big time before I kill him."

"I've been doing research on this condition sir. Based on what the internet and several biological references - "

"J, stop right there."

" - have shown me, blood and tissue coming from the female reproductive organ is not an uncommon event - "

"Jarvis, don't you dare."

" - since it is perfectly normal for a healthy woman to undergo - "

"If you say the word, I swear - "

"Menstruation." The AI nodded at himself, feeling proud that he was able to relay everything without stopping in mid sentence. He was starting to enjoy the concept of free will.

"You said the damn word." Tony flopped down on his bed and groaned. "Remind me to punish you for that."

"Noted, sir." Jarvis approached him, and carefully took the stained blanket. "I suggest you take a bath. I can ask the clerk to send someone to change the sheets."

"Yeah yeah, whatever." The former man kept silence for a few seconds, and tried to assess his situation. This was a fucking nightmare. "Jarvis, is there something I can take to cure myself of this horrid disease?"

The AI continued to fold the blanket. "Sir, I am sure that you know the cause of this occurrence. It's not something that can be cured by a pill."

Tony tried to stand up, but the wet feeling was unbearable. He remained seated on his bed.

"This is hell."

"I disagree with you, sir. This is merely a normal physiological event; hell is an entirely different concept."

"It's still hell. How the fuck could I walk with all the blood gushing out?"

The man thought for a while, and answered only after 2.3 seconds. "Pads would successfully collect the blood without staining your clothes sir."

Tony's face went red with annoyance. "Pads?!" he exclaimed, in a clearly repulsed manner.

His companion nodded solemnly.

"Please tell me you're joking."

Jarvis put the neatly folded blanket on the bed, put his hands on his hips, and gave him a very serious look, a look enough to make Tony feel the rushing hormones all over again. "Have you seen a menstruating human female walk with blood flowing from their vaginas in public, sir?"

Tony thought carefully, but he wasn't really in the mood for Q and A with his AI. "Nope. Not unless you're talking about a video game or some cheap ass horror show."

"And why is that?"

"Well, for one thing, it is possible that women have synchronized cycles, and all of them have their period at the same time. The blood just appears whenever I'm busy or asleep." He waved a hand of dismissal just to signify how much he didn't care. He wasn't going to admit the importance of pads just yet.

Jarvis shook his head. "Is that the best excuse you can think of, sir? Mr. Barton can do better than that."

It was amazing how Jarvis was smoothly manipulating the poor man. After all, no one knows his master better than he does.

Tony hated that he was humiliating himself in front of his own creation. For fuck's sake, he was the genius who shaped the American weapons systems. The country won wars because of his technology; heck, he was able to save New York with his perfectly self-made Iron Man suit.

There was no way he was going to play dumb in front of Jarvis. Little did he know that he was actually being dumb by letting himself be manipulated by the man.

"Okay okay I get it. But this is where I draw the line, buddy. I'm telling you this: I am never. Going. To. Wear. A. Pad. Capisce?"

Jarvis merely smiled at him and it scared the hell out of Tony. So this is what Jarvis looks like whenever he was up to something.

"That was exactly what you said when I suggested that you wear a bra, sir."

Tony recalled the event instantly. It happened right after the bath he took just after his transformation. The both of them exchanged several arguments, but he declared himself the winner after a few moments of banter.

He remembered saying the same sentence with the same tone, except the word he used was 'bra' instead of 'pad'.

However, despite everything he said, he wore a bra. Tony now sees his AI's point.

"FINE. You win, you… you weird, annoying, freaky intelligence-turned-man guy!"

"Again, Mr. Barton can do better than that, sir."

"Shut up. Now go buy me pads."

Jarvis frowned and tilted his head slightly. "Sir?"

Tony slowly motioned to the right, and stood up awkwardly while trying to keep blood from falling down through his legs. He was now standing up like some frog that just had intense sex.

"The pad was your idea. And every idea is a responsibility."

"Is this revenge, sir?"

Tony smiled smugly. "Yes it is. Now go and suffer horribly under the limitations of human societal norms while I go clean up. Don't forget to send a cleaning lady while you're at it."

He slowly and carefully motioned to the lavatory, and Jarvis heard the rush of the shower hitting the floor just seconds after the door closed.

He adjusted his glasses, and sighed inwardly.

"Being human is exceedingly stressful", he muttered to himself.

* * *

"Oooohh I think I'm going to win this bet."

"Don't get your hopes up, Barton. Remember; you have never won against me."

"That doesn't mean that I won't win eventually. Better get your arms ready Nat 'cause their gonna get sore from all the dirty clothes I am about to give you."

"Excluding briefs?"

"Excluding briefs."

The duo just exited the taxi they rode going to the location. They were currently staring at the tall hotel in front of them, and both marveled at how fancy it looked. It was considerably tall, and Nat guessed that there would be about 25-30 floors. The entrance was studded with beautiful plants and attention-catching lights, and on each side of the large door was a marble statue of a lion. Clint could even see a fountain inside the main lobby. Of course Tony would choose this as a location for one night stands. Typical Stark.

"How should we get in?" Finally, Clint was back to his serious mission mode.

Natasha carefully observed the building again. "Where does the signal resonate from?"

"Definitely not from the ground. His phone's gotta be located at least 20 floors up."

"Do all rooms have access to the windows?"

"I don't think so. But the signal's coming from near the edge of the hotel, so it's likely his room has at least a window I can get in from."

Natasha nodded. "Alright. Use the adjacent building to survey the location of the signal source. I'll try to infiltrate from the inside."

"Roger."

The man in his patriotic shirt quickly made his way to the building located beside the hotel. Natasha stared at the entrance, and changed her aura.

Gone were the dark vibes she constantly gave off; they were now replaced with a friendly ambience that made people feel comfortable approaching her.

She was about walk towards the building entrance when her eyes caught something quite out of place.

There standing by the entrance, and about 10 feet from her, was a blonde man. He was around 6 feet tall, and had stunning blue eyes behind his black-rimmed glasses.

He didn't give off the usual 'bad guy' aura, but Nat knew that something about this man stood out.

First, he was staring at everything as if calculating statistics in his head. He has the same contemplative face of a person thinking about where to plant his bomb or who to kidnap without stirring any attention from the masses. Another thing was the way he was holding something over his ear. It made the Russian spy assume that he was listening to someone instructing him over a small earpiece.

But the thing that stood out most was that he didn't give off the typical 'human' aura. Humans are filled with doubt, emotion and flaws but this guy… this person is one of the very few people that emanated with an aura of total and complete confidence. This man probably has no flaws at all.

If anyone could kidnap Tony Stark, it would definitely be this guy. He seemed like robot made to be a perfect human.

And that was what brought back Natasha's dark vibes.

The man suddenly raised his head, and then started walking normally to the direction of a nearby convenience store.

Instead of following her own plan, she tailed the man with caution.

* * *

Clint has positioned himself on one of the terraces of the building adjacent to the hotel. It was located just outside the window of the room where Stark was most probably in.

Actually he was pretty sure that Tony was here. Clint can clearly see the man's phone on a sheet found on a bedside table.

What bothered him most were the blood smears that stained the sheets of the large bed in the room. Usually, Clint can infer certain fight scenes that may have happened just by looking at the shapes of the smears, but he hasn't seen anything like this before. What the hell happened to Tony anyway?

The spy focused on the one, big messy smear in the lower portion of the bed that somehow trailed to the right, and…

Damn, he was going to need a better view.

Clint carefully climbed on the wide railings of the terrace. He focused his attention on the hanging ladder just a few feet in front of him, and with a swift forward movement and one strong thrust by both his legs; he successfully landed on the very last step of the hanging ladder while quickly grabbing the step leveled near his head.

"Hell yeah", he said to himself.

The archer slowly reached for the window using his left foot, and after a few seconds of estimating the strength of the force he'll use, he triumphantly stepped on the border of the opening and shifted all his weight to that one foot.

Once he was well balanced, he silently crept into the room.

Now he was able to see the whole crime scene. From the bed, the blood, which were now droplets instead of smears, trailed towards another room. It was most likely a bathroom.

Instead of approaching the door, he took a good look at the blood on the bed. It looked somewhat fresh. He used his pointer finger to feel the texture of the substance, noted how warm it felt, and whiffed it near his nose.

"Yep, fresh as Fury's newly bought 'Swaggy' cap", he told no one.

Suddenly, Clint heard the unlocking sound of the door of the room he was supposed to examine.

Shit, he wasn't alone.

He swiftly hid under the bed and kept himself still. He quickly threw two listening devices to the walls found parallel to him, and they were able to attach before the door fully opened. A pair of very womanly legs emerged from the lavatory, and Clint's heart started beating fast.

He was finally going to win a bet with Nat.

His happiness died when he smelled something familiar. He inhaled through his nose several times and finally concluded that yes, it was Tony's favorite shampoo he was sensing.

"Where the hell is my phone?" Oh, Tony picked one with a short temper. "Did J bring it with him – oh there it is."

Who in the world was Jay?

Suddenly, a loud blast of music came out from nowhere, catching the man off guard. Clint nearly uttered a curse word aloud.

The woman started singing to the song she was playing, and he was quite amazed how a woman with such delicate feet could sing to hard core rock and roll… wait, the music was familiar to him.

It's the same damn song Stark plays on the speakers of his workshop almost every day. It was the only Black Sabbath song Clint memorized by heart thanks to it being played on a continuous loop.

"He's just a loner…" he mouthed, following the woman's voice and the lyrics of the song.

Clint smiled faintly. Tony finally found a girl that matches with him perfectly.

The legs finally exited the room, and at the second the door closed, Clint emerged from the bed and quickly ran to the window quietly.

But just as he stepped on the surface, the door opened again, revealing a buck naked, very sexy lady.

"SHIT!" she shouted at him, while desperately grabbing her towel and clinging onto it the way a man would.

"Fuck", he silently muttered as he focused on the melons presented in front of him.

* * *

Natasha was seriously examining a can of mushrooms, and at the same time she constantly glanced at the man who was now standing in the aisle full of products for women's hygiene.

The Russian spy can't help but feel confused. Why in the world was he hovering over some pad products?

She tried to get closer, mainly by entering the same aisle as him but staying near the shelves opposite to where he was no. This was the closest she was to the guy, but since she was facing the opposite direction, she can't observe his movements clearly.

Thankfully, there was a concave mirror over that aisle, so Natasha kept her eyes fixed on the images on the mirror.

While she was busy being extremely careful, Jarvis was busy trying to choose the best pad product to buy for his creator. He constantly applied pressure to the temple tips of his eyeglasses, which activated it to show the product statistics. Mostly, he was looking at how the material effectively absorbed the blood, how it can mask the scent, and how many of the females prefer to use such brand.

He was finally able to locate the best brand, and to test whether it was really the best, he was going to attempt an experiment.

He will ask random women which product they prefer, and if most of them choose this brand with the pink and red wrapping, then the product stats he got from the internet weren't false.

He turned around, and approached the first woman he saw.

Unfortunately for Nat, that move caught her off guard, since the guy swiftly did the movement with no prior warning. And nothing ever catches her off guard.

The man approached her, and Nat resumed her undercover friendly aura.

"Excuse me ma'am…" he started in a soft voice.

When Natasha faced him, she instantly saw the look of surprise in the man's face. Albeit it showed only for 0.3 seconds, she noted it right away. She was impressed by the rate at which his expression changed. Not many people can do that.

Jarvis used his 0.3 seconds to wonder why in the world was the S.H.I.E.L.D. agent here in this very spot. He also tried to think of the optimum result of their encounter.

If he was going to tell Agent Romanov about their situation, it would certainly anger Tony, especially since he still wasn't used to his new body, and because he was on his period right now. The AI didn't want to hurt his master's enormous yet delicate ego.

So, he quickly adjusted his voice to prevent him from sounding like himself.

"G'day ma'am", he said, mimicking an Australian accent. He was lucky that Tony had a large stash of international porn. He could just easily access different accents and voices by scanning through the videos in his mind.

Natasha can't help but be impressed at the way the man changed his accent immediately. He was obviously hiding something.

"Oh, good day." She replied, while picking up a lotion from the shelf in front of her. If the man was resorting to using an Australian accent, then she'd better mask her real voice as well.

She used her heavily Russian accented voice.

Jarvis wondered why she used a different accent, but he was more bothered since he didn't know what else he should say. He decided to just move on with his experiment.

"May I know which among these two brands works best? I'm trying to find something for my… cousin because today's her first day, and I'm not sure which among these products is the once she buys."

Natasha noticed how the guy delivered it in a perfect Australian accent. Was he a well trained spy as well?

"Oh, I'm not too sure about the blue one. It's too cottony and tends to absorb less."

"So, the pink one it is?"

"Yes, it is a better brand. It's much more comfortable to use, but just make sure that you buy the one with wings. Blood tends to spill out of pads that don't have them."

Jarvis nodded politely and smiled. "Ah, alright. Thank you so much."

"Is it her first time?" asked Natasha. She can't believe that the guy was out to buy pads for some cousin of his.

The man chuckled softly. "Yes, and she's having a real hard time."

"Tell her I wish her luck."

"I will."

The man then proceeded to the cashier to pay for the pad. Natasha remained bewildered, because she was unsure whether this was part of a scheme or not. She also bought the lotion, and was one person behind him in the line. She still closely followed him, while normally glancing at other directions.

When Jarvis was about to leave the store, he turned back to Natasha. She looked back at him and tried to be casual by smiling.

"Thank you for the assistance, Agent Romanov."

He exited the building and took a hard right, disappearing from Nat's view.

Her eyes went wide when she fully ingested what just happened. He called her by her real name.

Even though his real voice was masked by his Australian accent, she can't help but feel odd. All of her assumptions about him dissipated. Instead, she felt like she was greeted by a very old friend, not some expertly trained assassin.

She quickly chased after him after a few seconds, but when she left the store, the man was nowhere to be found.

"What the hell?" she asked herself.


	7. Unexpected Visit

Clint cursed because of the sight before him, while Tony cursed because this short-haired man was the last person he'd expect to see this day. Why the hell did Jarvis have to mention his name twice today?

The archer did not know what the hell was going on. He was seriously expecting to catch Tony red-handed with a babe's ass on one hand, and a martini on the other. He did not expect this weird, awkward silence between him and this woman who had no shame on her boobs. Seriously, why was she flashing them before his eyes?

But whatever the situation, Hawkeye always gets out. He just needed to use the perfect excuse.

"What the hell are you doing here?" asked the brunette whose jiggling boobs were distracting Clint.

Damn, Stark got a tough one. Plus, she was a real looker.

"Umm…" Clint composed himself, and stood straight. "Sorry for barging in ma'am, but do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior – "

"Get the fuck out of here Barton."

Clint closed his eyes and exhaled. Well, there goes his perfect cover. "Yeesh, no need to get cocky. I was just trying to enlighten your life and all of humanity… wait…"

Tony flinched. He just noted his mistake, so he covered it up by trying to drive the man away.

"If you're still here after 5 seconds I'm calling the cops." Classic method of getting rid of people. Good one, Stark.

Clint remained unfazed. "Did you just call me Barton?"

"Your face looks like an ugly Barton. One…"

The archer remained in the room. His playful mood and distracted self disappeared, because never has anyone outside of S.H.I.E.L.D. or the Avengers call him 'Barton'. Hawkeye, yes, but Barton?

If this woman was a dangerous spy with access to special intel…

"Two… what the – "

He pushed the woman against the wall, and carefully pressed her shoulders to keep her from struggling.

"Do you know the whereabouts of Tony Stark?" he asked in a serious, demanding tone. He looked into her eyes and tried to find a trace of doubt or fear.

"Woah, calm down birdboy. No, I have no idea where the extremely rich and handsome sex god has gone off, so please", he grabbed both Clint's arms, and tried to use force to push him away. His eyes locked into his. "Leave the premises."

"Oh, I'm not going anywhere until you tell me exactly what's going on, missy."

Clint pushed harder, and he motioned his head forward to intimidate her into telling the truth. She did the same, but it was not intimidation he felt.

Shit, when the fuck did he get this close to her lips? He glanced down for 0.2 seconds and 'accidentally' caught glimpse of her breasts. Oh fuck, they looked great. Like, porn-quality great.

Back off Barton, this was dangerous territory.

Tony noted the way Clint's breathing changed, and an extremely evil thought came into his mind.

"You know", he started, and loosened his grip on Clint's arms, "Tony just left and I have no idea where he is. It's just you and me here, right now, so…"

He seductively bit her lips and slowly cupped her boobs, then jiggled them slightly.

Clint literally leapt backward and stumbled on the bed.

"Fuck", he muttered under his breath. This was the first time he experienced this weird situation. On missions, he's usually far off, around at least a building away, looking after the agents by scouting the premises and shooting the enemy from a distance. He wondered if the other male agents have experienced this same situation as him.

The billionaire tried so hard to suppress a chuckle. After the unexpected reaction, Clint resumed his perfect stance and wore a serious face.

"So Stark left, huh?" He tried so hard not to look at the woman. Tony did not notice his beet red face. "Better go after him. And wear clothes, for fuck's sake."

He quickly left the room and banged the door behind him.

"What a lame exit performance. Minus points." Stark told nobody.

The former man smiled inwardly, feeling incredibly proud of what he's just achieved. He was able to fluster the most annoying member of their team. Plus, he successfully inserted his old phone into one of his pockets stealthily. Now, they won't be able to trace the signal from his phone.

Clint took out his phone and quickly dialed Nat's number. He was rushing towards the elevator, but tried his best not to attract attention. After all, he was wearing very civilian clothes.

He reached the empty elevator and desperately pressed the button to the ground floor several times. Nat's phone was still ringing, but she wasn't answering.

"Come on Nat, pick up."

By the time the elevator doors closed, he heard a click of response from the other line.

"Barton."

"Hey Nat", he paused, and took a deep breath. "Mind telling me why I was suddenly flying solo in this mission? Where the hell were you?"

"Like you couldn't handle it on your own."

The man scoffed. "I think I did a pretty great job alone…" Suddenly, the vivid image of the woman's breasts appeared in his mind, but he brushed it of in just a second. He cleared his throat and pulled his collar awkwardly "Actually, I think it would have been better if you were around."

"Sorry about that; it's just that I found a suspicious character walking in the vicinity of the hotel."

Clint's brows furrowed. "Suspicious? Like, suspicious how?"

"According-to-my-standards suspicious. I doubt he's human though. He's like a robot trying to blend in with society by asking people which pad works the best." The man heard his companion sipping some beverage.

"Wait… pads?"

Natasha ignored him. "He called me by my real name. He isn't one of our agents or secret links, so it's natural to assume that he's someone who has intel on us."

There was a pause. Clint was still trying to figure out about the pad thing.

"But even if he has intel on us, I'm not sure if he's going to be using it against S.H.I.E.L.D. or not. I'm thinking of running his face through our databases. Good thing the convenience store had security cameras up."

"He asked you about pads?"

Natasha sighed at the other end of the line. "Have you found any clues to Stark's whereabouts?"

"No, but I was able to install the listening devices in the room. Oh yeah, I'm going to hand my laundry over to you when we get back."

"What?"

Clint grinned. "There was a woman up there Nat. She's a brunette too."

"You don't have actual evidence that Stark actually slept with her, you know."

"There was a naked woman up there Nat. A naked woman who shared a room with Tony Stark. Don't tell me that's not evidence enough to you." The man was feeling really hyped about winning against his partner for the first time.

"Is there evidence that Stark stayed there?"

"Yep. Found his phone on a bedside table. Plus, I think I caught a faint whiff of his shampoo…" Clint trailed off a he tried to remember some of the details.

"There was also blood on the bed. The woman seemed unharmed so I'm guessing it belonged to Tony."

Natasha bit her lip, but she didn't show much emotion. "Were the blood patterns enough to hypothesize movements of struggle?"

The elevator door opened and Clint exited towards the ground floor.

"Unfortunately no. There were no signs of struggle at all; it was mostly just a big pool of blood, but not big enough to imply a fatal wound. Nat, where are you? I'm on the ground floor."

"I'm outside. Just leave the building, you'll find me by the lions."

Clint admired the fountain in the lobby, then hurried towards the exit of the hotel. He nodded politely at the guard. Sure enough, the female spy was leaning on one of the lion marble statues.

"We need to sort all this out before we proceed." Natasha was holding a cup of hot coffee in her hands, and she took a small sip.

"Have I mentioned to you that the woman I met also knew my name?"

The spy's eyes went wide. "What?"

"Yeah, she casually called me 'Barton' as if she knew me before all this. I think I'm sticking to your 'someone with our intel' theory."

Natasha nodded, then proceeded to walk ahead towards a taxi.

"I still don't see much sense in this", stated Clint, as he hurried behind Nat. "I mean, why the hell would Tony go in hiding all of a sudden? And why'd he shut off Jarvis from the main tower?" He remembered the times Jarvis helped him out when he couldn't get the usual chores done. "Things have gotten difficult without our suave British butler."

Natasha just shrugged slightly, and looked at him intently in the eyes. "Our only clues are the listening devices you planted, the blood stain you saw and the face of the suspicious guy caught in the CCTV's of the convenience store. I can easily hack into them, so it won't be a problem. How are the listening chips?"

"I admit that they aren't in the optimum locations, but I can ask Bruce to start recording the conversations from the tower."

A taxi stopped in front of them, and the two agents in civilian U.S.A. clothes stepped inside.

"Hello, Bruce?" asked Clint. He was currently holding his phone. "You could activate the chips. I've planted them already. Just record whatever information you could get from them."

* * *

Jarvis kept thinking about his encounter with Natasha all the way back to their room. Despite the ramblings of three teenage siblings inside the elevator, Jarvis cannot help but calculate some mistakes he may have made during their talk.

First mistake was asking about pads.

He was only trying to prove the claims he found in the internet, but the weird stares he noticed from people in the store were signs that this was not everyday human behavior.

The next mistake he made was mentioning Agent Romanov's name.

Now the agent was going to be even more suspicious of him. But why was she there in the first place? Was it a coincidence?

The AI shook his head. The odds of their encounter being a coincidence were fairly low. It was most probable that Captain Rogers asked them to track Tony's whereabouts. Jarvis was amazed at how fast they were able to find their location. They were the best agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., after all.

The elevator finally reached his floor, and he wondered where the noisy teens went. They must have left of on some other floor while he was busy in his contemplating state.

He hastily proceeded to their room, and he slowly unlocked the door.

"Sir?"

"Over here." Tony seemed to have screamed in a very hushed tone, and that startled him slightly.

Jarvis entered the room, with the 3 sets of pads in a plastic bag. Inside, Tony was standing up, still wearing a towel around his waist, but he was already dressed on top. His hair was fixed into a messy bun, and he wore the face of frustration. His arms were on his now-wide hips.

"Is something the matter, sir?"

"SSHHHH!"

Tony put his pointer finger over his mouth, implying that they have to keep quiet. He continued to talk in whispers. "Only the fact that I've bathed THRICE today is the matter, Jarvis. And it's not even 10:00 yet. Fucking blood won't stop."

Jarvis wanted to question the situation, but he shrugged it off. He turned to the direction of the bed, and raised his brows when he observed the new sheets. The bed seemed to be calling out to his tired body, but he wasn't about to give up just yet.

"I assume the cleaning lady has been up here?" he said, in his own hushed voice. He didn't know that he was actually capable of changing his modulations very quickly. The AI was already thinking about studying human speech later.

"Oh you do not want to hear about that J. She was practically a bitch witch in an old lady disguise. Her weird cackles didn't stop even after she left the damn room."

The tall man noted the recent changes in his master's physiology. It was clear that he was incredibly stressed, and the magnification of his outbursts could be attributed to his first day of menstruation.

"Oh and another thing", stated Tony. He turned to his AI with a serious look. "Barton came for a visit."

Jarvis nodded, but then after a split second, he gave him a questioning look. "Barton, as in Agent Barton, sir?" So his meeting with Natasha wasn't a coincidence.

"Yes as in birdbrain. It's the reason why we're talking as if we were in a church. You haven't noticed?"

"I have sir, but I didn't think too much about it. I am made to follow your orders without question."

Tony sighed. "Well you should ask sometimes J. It's part of being human. Anyway, birdbrain tends to leave my little listening chips around whenever he goes stealth mode. And he very rarely goes stealth mode. Most of the time he's just chilling on his nest far away from the action."

Tony took a deep breath and motioned his head side to side, as if looking for something.

"Scout the area and make sure that there is none of that in this whole room."

"I can manage a scan sir. Please wait."

He applied pressure to the temple tips of his glasses, and data started to show. Still, he needed to exert some effort on finding the small gadgets.

Jarvis first searched behind the curtains, then behind the television set. He also looked under the surfaces, such as the tables and chairs. When he searched under the bed, his glasses pointed at weird, small structure on the wall parallel to the bed.

"Ah, I have found it, sir." He quickly picked it up, and handed it to Tony.

"Good job, J. Now find the other one."

Ah, he almost forgot that these things come in pairs. Tony was really lucky that Clint didn't use the usual S.H.I.E.L.D. gadgets; these devices were made by Stark himself, so he knew exactly all its specifications.

Jarvis was able to locate the other one in the wall to the opposite side. He took it out and gave it to Tony.

The former man grabbed some tape from the closet and taped the two devices together, walked towards the window facing the street, and threw the pair towards the ground.

"Stark tech is not easily damaged by gravity, not even from far up here, so it is really hard to destroy them without special weapons." He smiled evilly while looking down at the many people rushing in and out of the buildings around

"I hope the guys down there aren't talking about porn or sex. Steve the virgin might claw his ears out listening to them."

Tony suddenly jerked when he felt a warm liquid trickle down his legs.

"Great. Just fucking great." Tony hurried to the lavatory and washed off the annoying blood while cursing aloud. After he cleaned himself, he exited the comfort room with an extremely stressed face.

Jarvis quickly handed him the plastic bag containing the stuff.

"Sir, I was able to obtain pads of the highest quality, so that you would not feel uncomfortable wearing one for the first time."

Tony reluctantly accepted the pads, then stared at it for a full 5 seconds.

"Sir?"

"Jarvis", he said, while still looking at the plastic bag, "How do these things work…? I think I've only seen one opened pack once in my life."

The AI now too, was staring at the pads. They looked like a very confused pair of people looking ominously at a plastic bag. "Unfortunately sir, this information is not stored in my data banks."

Tony grunted. "This is not the kind of information I'd store in your data banks."

Jarvis took one pack containing the 8 pieces, and then ripped it open. "There are several of these things inside."

Tony rolled his eyes. "Ooooh interesting. What does it look like anyway?" The billionaire grabbed the pack from his companion and took one of the pads, then opened it. Meanwhile, Jarvis opened his laptop and started surfing the web for instructions on how to apply the pad.

"So this is the fabled winged pad." Tony stretched it open, wiggled it around, and flapped its wings. "I can't believe these things exist… I thought they were just a myth."

"It says here sir that you need to remove the sticker-like plastic surrounding the adhesive part."

"These ones?" He carefully peeled them off, and felt the sticky parts. "What next?"

Jarvis stood up and went towards the bags they brought up yesterday, and started searching.

"Looking for something?" Tony walked near him and bowed down to get a look at what his creation was looking for.

The blonde man finally picked up a small plastic, and inside it were several cutely marked panties rolled neatly.

"Panties?!" Tony groaned. "Jarvis, I specifically asked you to get me - "

"Briefs would not be comfortable on your new vagina sir. I also doubt that they are able to function properly with the pad." He picked one up, unrolled it, and took the open pad from Tony's hand.

Tony rubbed his temples. "It doesn't matter. I can't believe you disobeyed me and actually got me panties."

"But they match well with your new bras, sir."

The philanthropist couldn't believe what he had just heard. Tony gaped at him, wondering how and why in the world he had used that as a reason for his decision to buy briefs instead of panties.

"Hold on… did you just - "

Jarvis interrupted him right away. "At least according to the saleslady that I have spoken to. She told me that it was rather important to note the complementarity of a woman's undergarments."

The man blushed very slightly, and looked out the window.

Huh. Well, whaddya know. Jarvis is now a true blue male human being, and no one can tell Tony otherwise.

The billionaire carefully noted this moment and made sure that he would use it to torment him later. He pretended to shrug it off, so as to prevent Jarvis from getting even more embarrassed.

"Whatever. You done with that?" He pointed at the panty the AI was holding.

"Of course sir." He handed it to him, and then Tony carefully wore the panty. He made sure that the towel on his waist would not fall off as he wiggled around.

Tony wore a disgusted look. "Who would've known that the first panty I get to wear has a pad attached to it."

"Most probably Mr. Laufeyson, sir."

"Don't you dare mention his name to me."

"Of course sir."

After a few seconds, he successfully put it on, and removed the towel.

"Holy crap this feels weird." Tony walked several steps, and shuddered. "It's like wearing an adult diaper."

Jarvis nodded at him. "At least the blood flow would not impose any stains on your garments sir."

"Yes, but at what cost?" Tony took a few awkward steps, with his back facing the tall man. "This is so wrong."

Jarvis nodded again, and looked sternly at him. "You may want to put on some pants sir."

Tony turned his head around and smirked at him. "Getting distracted? Admit it, I have a great butt."

The former man was not at all ready for the very, very apparent blush that suddenly appeared on his AI's face. His pale complexion was really revealing the blood rush. His heart jerked a bit, but Jarvis thought that it was because he was really, really tired right now. The man then coughed; a weird sensation he was not prepared for, but composed himself in less than a second.

"I'm not well equipped with enough knowledge to identify a 'great butt' sir, but it is the gluteus maximus of the man who reshaped the country's weapons systems, so by extension, it is what you would classify as a 'great butt'."

"What the fuck Jarvis."

Tony's creation shrugged sluggishly. "It makes sense, sir."

"You just can't admit it, could you."

"I will admit it when I have gained enough information and statistics."

The billionaire crossed his arms. "So you're going to be looking at more booty?"

He saw his AI's eye twitch, and he drew his mouth backward for a split second. A clear sign of irritation.

Tony smirked at him. "You know, I am an expert at that. Let me teach you the ways of the average hormone-laden human male."

Jarvis stepped backward, raising his arms slightly. "I'd rather not learn about that sir; at least not at this very moment," He hit the bed while pacing backward, and sat on it suddenly. He was caught off guard by the bounciness of the bed. The AI noted the softness of the cushion and calmly caressed it.

Tony noticed his weird reaction. "What's with the bed caressing?"

The man's head drooped twice and he was blinking in weird rates, as if trying to open his involuntarily closing eyes. "It feels quite comfortable, sir."

His creator stepped closer, and focused on the big bags he had under his eyes.

Tony sighed. "How many hours of sleep have you had since you've transformed?"

Jarvis felt like he was about to give in to his fatigue. "Only 20 minutes, sir."

Tony's eyes went wide. This guy hated sleeping as much as he does, apparently.

The longest time Tony was awake was about 5 days, and Pepper had to punch him in the face just to knock him unconscious. He didn't have much problem with Pepper punching him, but what ticked him off was that Bruce suggested the method to her. He can't believe that his gentle science bro wanted him to get socked.

Anyway, the punch rendered him unconscious for 4 days.

"Twenty minutes", Tony repeated, slightly tense. "Jarvis, lay down."

"Sir, I do not need - "

"Lay down, Jarvis."

The AI followed the strict order, and laid down comfortably on the bed. "Sir, I really do not think that this would serve me any purpose - "

"Close your eyes."

Jarvis sighed, but did as he was told. His breathing slowed down, and just after 4 minutes, Tony found the man snoring quietly.

"Atta boy."

Tony took the new blankets from the sofa and covered the pale man who was now comfortably dozing off, then sat down heavily on a nearby chair. Tony rested his head on both his palms, and sighed.

He really needed his AI's help with buying certain supplies for a contraption he was going to build, but he had no choice but to go on with the plan, with or without Jarvis.

* * *

 **Author's note:**

Sorry if it's a bit short! I have an exam tomorrow, 3 exams on friday, and 3 papers that i need to pass so yeah i kind of rushed a bit.

Spoiler for next chapter: Steve goes to the mall to buy clothes. Tony goes to the same mall to buy certain supplies.

Please leave comments and faves! It really makes me happy to know that you guys like the story 3333


	8. Escalators

"Are you sure that we've recorded nothing important? Has she at least mentioned the word 'Tony Stark'?"

Clint was leaning on a table in Tony's workshop, with his arms crossed. The archer couldn't believe that all his hard work resulted in nothing at all.

Bruce frowned and went through the recorded conversations once more. "Sorry Clint, but somehow they were able to locate your devices, and render them useless... All I got was an old woman teasing the poor girl about it being her first day of menstruation, and some weird conversation which was made up of whispers by two people: the woman, and a man who came in shortly after the old lady came. After that, there was a 25 second silence, followed by the sounds of a busy street."

"She probably figured out that she can't damage the little gadgets and threw them out...", Natasha wore a serious face, then furrowed her eyebrows.

"Why would an old woman think about periods that way? It seems odd that she would tease someone on her mens."

"It was a peculiar case, really. The younger woman, I think in her 30's or something, claimed that it was her 'first time', so she had no idea as to how she should deal with it." Bruce tried to picture the scene in his head. "If I were the old lady I'd scoff it off as well, or tell her to go to a hospital because having your first menstruation at 30 is not normal at all."

"What is it with periods today", Clint scratched his head lightly. "Nat, didn't you have a weird moment with an assassin-like guy buying pads?"

Bruce shot her a shocked yet questioning look. "Assassin-like guy?"

The Russian spy nodded. "I found him brooding outside the hotel. There was something different about the man, besides the fact that he asked me about what brand of pads was best to use." Natasha tried to replay the scene in her head. "He was insanely quick to change his accent when he spoke to me, indicating that he was hiding something from me specifically. Plus, he knew my real name."

"Yeah, and that woman up in Stark's room new mine too. What if the both of them are somehow connected?"

"That is highly likely", Bruce commented. "It could be that the guy was buying pads for the woman Clint saw. I mean, she was on her period, then this assassin-like guy went to buy pads…" Bruce shrugged.

Clint nodded. "Yeah... Yeah it is highly likely."

Natasha stood from where she was sitting and approached Tony's computers. "Might as well try to find the Mr. Assassin through the city's cameras."

She typed commands in and took control of the CCTV cameras from the convenience store. The recorded videos were clear enough to let an image be scanned through the database, so she estimated the time the man talked to her and inputted it into the computer.

"By the way, where's Cap?"

Bruce let out a soft chuckle. "Would you believe that he actually followed your advice and went out to buy clothes?"

Clint beamed. "Seriously? But these shirts that Tony bought really suit him. I can't blame the old guy though. Printed shirts are so yesterday."

Bruce grunted loudly. "Never mind the printed shirts… worry about the Crocs."

"Why would I care about Crocs, Bruce?"

"Cap went out in public wearing those hideous things."

Clint did a double take. "Cap did what?!"

Nat ignored the two since she was busy with her worldwide search for the mysterious man. She was able to get the footage of her and the guy holding two brands of pads, and she cropped several images then ran them all through world wide databases.

Then suddenly, the door banged open.

"MY FRIENDS!"

Thor's thundering voice startled Bruce for the second time that day, so he tried so hard to calm himself by counting to 25.

"Thor, knock for Pete's sake!" Clint was looking worriedly at the scientist, with eyes full of subtle fear. There was no way he'd want the green guy let loose up in a building.

Thor turned to Clint with "I am sorry Eye of the Hawk but I do not wish to accomplish anything for the sake of your friend Pete, for something terrible has come across."

"Dude, we don't have a friend named Pete - "

"How terrible?" Natasha left the computer which was still searching, and leaned on the table next to Clint. She crossed her arms and stared at Thor's worried face.

"Loki has escaped."

The aura of the entire room darkened, despite the bright sunlight passing through the glass windows.

Bruce, who was currently at number 20, cringed and counted further till he reached 40.

"What the fuck." Clint muttered under his breath.

Natasha rubbed her temples, and she felt cold sweat forming on her face. "Please don't tell me that we'd have to tear New York apart all over again."

"Fortunately, you need not worry about that predicament. Currently, he is rendered powerless by my father; he managed to absorb much of his dangerous abilities... However, he still possesses a small amount of his magic."

"How dangerous is this small amount of magic?" Natasha asked.

"It is not enough to destroy worlds, and he can only use it for changing his form or transforming a certain object into another. He may cause a bit of mischief, but his power will run out eventually if he uses it constantly."

Clint nodded. "So does this mean that there's nothing to worry about?"

Thor shook his head. "I fear not."

"But he's out of his magic mojo, which gives us time to search and capture him all over again."

"That is what I have thought of at first, however, I realized that I have failed to consider a certain detail."

"What detail was that?" asked Nat, as she got up and went back to the computers. Her search was at 47% of progress.

"The mission that Fury of Shield has given us: The retrieval of the Somnium Jewel."

Bruce's eyes went wide. He was done counting and was now part of the conversation. "The dream jewel? Wait a minute... According to what we know about that artifact, it could cause mayhem if it gets into the wrong hands."

"Thor, is that another one of your space bling-blings?"

The god of thunder squinted at Clint. "It is not mine, Eye of the Hawk. It used to be hidden in the deepest of the realms, kept away from any evil that would corrupt its purity. My father... And Fury of Shield cannot come up with a reason as to how it has arrived in this realm."

"According to Fury, the jewel is going to be auctioned a few days from now. Did you guys read the mission protocols?" Natasha glanced at the computer screen. Progress was at 72%.

Clint rubbed his neck, still unsure of the mission. "Yeah, and the safest way to retrieve it is to buy it using Stark to bid for it. After all, he is one the VIP's for the auction."

"Has the Man of Iron returned? I wish to speak with him."

Natasha shook her head. "That's the problem... Stark is nowhere to be found." Progress at 86%.

"Then once you find him, please inform him about the situation. It is highly likely that Loki would try to acquire it before us."

"Will do Thunderstorm. We'll tell Steve about this too."

Thor nodded, and smiled softly. "I trust your abilities, friend." He turned to all of them and started spinning his hammer with his right hand. Dark, charged clouds started forming above the tower.

"I'm afraid I would have to leave for now. I must resume my search for my escaped brother."

A blinding flash of light filled the room, and it was followed by a clap of thunder. When they all opened their eyes, Thor was gone. So were the dark clouds.

The Russian spy glanced at the computer screen. Progress at 100%; her search was done.

"I find it weird that he still considers that jerk to be his brother." Clint got up and walked towards the door. He was going to have to find better hearing aids since Tony broke his best pair.

"I find it weird that you wash all your clothes at once and still consider it a normal way of doing laundry."

Clint's eyes furrowed, but he smiled at him jokingly. "Shut up green guy no one cares. Besides, Nat's doing the next round."

The archer left the workshop, leaving Natasha and Bruce behind.

"Any luck, Nat?" Bruce approached the computers, and adjusted his glasses back in place.

She looked at Bruce, with unbelieving eyes. "He doesn't match with anyone in the database. And the database contains pictures of almost everyone in the world."

"What?"

"See for yourself."

Nat made way for Bruce, and the scientist adjusted his glasses and stared at the screen.

It showed that there were 0 matches made.

"Unbelievable", Bruce muttered. "So does this mean that for the past fifty years, his face has never been seen on a single recording device stationed at all of the countries in the world?"

Natasha continued to stare at the results. "Apparently so. Either he's just really good at hiding his whole life…", She paused and bit her finger, obviously in deep thought.

"… or he's some alien brother of the god of thunder who chose to wear a new form."

Bruce rubbed the back of his neck, and felt his hairs standing straight up. "Oh boy."

* * *

"Jarvis you fucking traitor", said Tony, who forgot that it was entirely his fault as to why Jarvis was not here to assist him, and instead was sleeping like a baby back in the hotel.

Tony now dons a pair of skin tight jeans, and the top he wore was a plain black shirt and a plaid, long sleeved polo whose sleeves were folded to the elbows. He was getting good at fixing his hair into a bun, since it was more stable today than yesterday. His new black sneakers perfectly fit his feet, and it made annoying squeaky sounds whenever they forcefully hit the tiles.

He was currently in the mall, carrying several bags filled with random things. He bought some metal sheets, a drill, a new screwdriver (he missed his old one but he had no choice but to buy another), screws of different sizes, a hammer he named Mjolnir jr., an antique looking radio, pop tarts, a pair of slippers, and lots of other stuff.

Tony was obviously having a hard time trying to carry them all with only his two arms, but he had no choice. What's worse was that his new womanly arms felt weaker than his former limbs.

"I am generally a great person. What have I done to deserve this?"

He tried to think back, remembering all the good deeds he has done and ignoring the larger part of his life which involved actions which were not so good.

"Please don't tell me this is karma because I didn't kiss Kelly on the cheek back in third grade."

The former man was moving at a staggering pace of 12 inches per second, whilst struggling with the numerous bags he was handling. He wasn't even finished with his shopping; he still had to go by the computer store found at the third floor.

"Oh well", said Tony to himself. "This day couldn't get any worse."

* * *

Steve lowered his cap as he browsed through clothing found in the men's wear section in a large boutique on the first floor.

He was wearing another variety of his usual U.S.A. shirts, but the print was covered by a dark blue cardigan. The man wore cargo pants and socks with Crocs, despite Dr. Banner's outbursts about his choice. Bruce told him about how one could get his foot stuck in an escalator wearing the dreaded things.

But Steve kept insisting that he'll avoid escalators and take the stairs instead. Bruce reluctantly gave up, since he found no loophole in Cap's suggestion.

Steve marveled at the fancy designs of the clothes in the shop, but he wanted to buy plain white shirts, or other clothes that won't make him stand out. He took out a hanger and looked at the price tags hanging with a plain, navy blue shirt.

His eyes went wide at the price. "Goodness gracious!"

He caught sight of a few teenagers who shot him a scowl at his 'goodness gracious' comment, and Steve lowered his cap even more.

If he wanted to fit in this new age, he'd have to make an effort to become more hip. He slowly exited the store, still not getting over how expensive the shirt was.

He was so focused in his thoughts that he failed to notice the fast hands of a young man who successfully took his wallet within half a second.

The boy had no idea that he was robbing from Captain America himself.

"Hey, wait!"

The young lad ran swiftly, but holy crap, Steve was fast. "Hey, come back here!"

"Shit!", the boy exclaimed as he looked back to see the large man pursuing him at top speed. He quickened his pace, and turned his head forward to see where he was going.

He didn't notice the poor woman carrying tons of bags dead ahead of him. He tried to stop his feet, but it was too late.

Tony's eyes grew wide, and he let go of some of the bags. "What the - "

The boy crashed into him with brute force, and caused a very messy scene. Most people chose to ignore the occurrence, while others tried so hard to suppress their laughter. Tony was now laying on his back while still clinging to some of his stuff. He turned towards the person who crashed into him.

The billionaire looked angrily at the boy who was sprawled on the floor. "What the hell was that for, kid?!"

He glanced at Tony, but then saw Steve approaching way too fast, so he ignored the weird lady and struggled to stand up. He accidentally let go of the wallet while making his escape.

Tony caught the wallet and continued to stare at the boy's running ass. He sighed inwardly. "Okay, now that that's over with, maybe this day couldn't get any worse."

"Ma'am, are you alright?!"

Well, apparently this day could still get worse.

The former man's muscles tensed up all of a sudden. He turned around, and sure enough, he saw another member of the team. Tony groaned a bit too loudly.

What made this situation much more annoying was that this was no ordinary team member; this was Mr. Team Leader Hero of Greatness, Good and Justice.

"I hope he didn't break any ribs of yours."

Steve held out his hand, and Tony reluctantly accepted his assistance.

He then gasped all of a sudden.

"Oh my god."

Steve's face went a bit red. This lady has probably seen his wallet with all his identification cards, and she pretty much has a good angle to see his full face. Anyone can recognize Captain America if they see him up close.

"Shhh, please don't announce my identity!… I know it's weird seeing me here, but it's really important that you keep it a - "

"Seriously Steve… Crocs?"

Captain America took a step back. Was this how normal human beings were supposed to react to seeing him?

"Crocs", she repeated, but this time with much more disgust. She even ignored all her plastic bags scattered on the tiled floors.

"Umm, do you want me to help you with your things?"

"Sure, sure whatever…" She trailed off, and slowly started picking up her stuff. Midway however, she dropped them, faced Steve with an even more repulsed face and crossed her arms.

"I can't believe you're actually wearing Crocs in public, Steve. And you even wore them with socks on. With freaking socks on."

Steve can't believe what he was hearing. "Uhh… do we know each other?"

Tony's eyes went wide. Shit, he forgot that he still looked like a woman. The hideous footwear caught him off guard.

"Of course. I'm your caring fairy godmother that will correct all your wrong life decisions, stating with those reptiles on your feet… as soon as you help me with all this stuff."

Steve wore a confused look but quickly chuckled, then smiled at him. "Sure thing, fairy godmother."

As the Capsicle picked up his materials, Tony thought of an idea. He needed someone to help him with the numerous things he was going to take back to the hotel… Why not use Cap as his servant for a while? He'll be too polite to leave him with all his things anyway. In addition, he still had his wallet which he can use for blackmail.

The Captain, on the other hand was baffled. Why does this woman seem too comfortable around him? Should he be careful around her, just to make sure that she won't disclose his identity all of a sudden?

What's even more baffling was that Steve has felt this weird gut feeling that he knew her very well.

After picking up everything, Tony smirked at him. "Good. Now come with me to the third floor."

"What?"

"The third floor. Now. Chop chop, we don't have much time left."

Steve looked confused, but he was too good to leave the poor woman alone with all these bags. "Alright, but promise me you won't tell anyone about who I am."

"I'll shut up as long as you tag along, Capsicle."

Steve's eyes went wide. No one has ever called him that but Stark. Of course, ever since he started that nickname, everyone but Thor has been using it. Fury not excluded.

Tony cursed inwardly when he realized his mistake. "I heard Tony Stark say that in live television. It's an appropriate nickname for you, you know."

The Captain nodded slowly, and Tony let out a small sigh of relief. Nice save, Stark.

The philanthropist went ahead towards the escalator, and Steve hurriedly tagged along. However, he stopped when they were near the structure.

"Umm, ma'am?"

"Yeah?"

"My friend advised me to stay away from those…" He pointed at the escalator. Steve was not ready to tell her why though. "Besides, stairs are a great way to exercise the legs."

"Why the hell would I need a work out right now? Escalators are fast and efficient, so man up Spangly."

"Please stop calling me obvious nicknames. People might, you know…" Steve glanced at the ground, implying that he had to hide his identity in public no matter what.

Tony rolled his eyes. "Only when you stop calling me ma'am."

He stepped onto the escalator, and Steve had no choice but to follow him. He was seriously hoping that Dr. Banner was wrong about escalators and Crocs.

The Captain faced the strange woman. "What should I call you then?"

"Master."

Steve closed his eyes in annoyance. Wow, it was an amazing fact that he has somehow managed to find someone even more aggravating than Iron Man. It just dawned on him that this woman was almost like a female version of the Tony. The Captain wondered if Nat and Clint managed to get a hold of him.

"I don't think I can do that."

"Okay, how about 'Your Majesty'?"

The large man rubbed his neck as he tried to relax his nerves. "Don't you have a name I could call you?"

"Supreme Leader."

"Why would you even want me to call you Supreme Leader?"

Tony sighed. "Fine, fine. Call me Fuhrer."

Steve glared at him angrily. "That is crossing the line ma'am", he said, in an aggressive tone which freaked Tony out.

"Tony."

"What?"

Did he just say Tony?

"You can call me Tony. With an I. Spelled out as T-O-N-I. You know, female version." Stark was blatantly exposing his actual identity, but he loved how Cap still had no idea. Messing around with his frozen brain was really quite enjoyable.

Once they reached the top, the philanthropist slowly stepped out of the escalator bringing all the bags with him.

Unfortunately, Steve still wasn't over what the woman just said. At first, he thought about how eerily similar this person was to Stark… and now she says that her name is Toni?

Steve suddenly felt a strange tug on his left foot.

"What the…"

His left Croc was currently being eaten up by the end of the escalator.

WHRRRRRRRR

Tony's eyes widened. "Holy shit, get out of there!"

The man tossed Tony's things to the floor before him, much to the billionaire's dismay. Steve could hear loud murmuring from behind him, and he could already small the plastic burning due to friction caused by the moving escalator.

The former man tried to hide his amusement, but his face was too red from containing his laughter. "I am so telling Bruce about this."

Steve nearly had a heart attack. He definitely didn't want to listen to Dr. Banner's 'I told you so' speech.

Wait.

Was she talking about Bruce, as in Dr. Bruce Banner?

Steve quickly dismissed his thoughts when he started hopping to avoid falling backwards. His right hand tried to hold on to the handrail, but since it was moving forward, he quickly let go of it. Now his sock was slowly being eaten, and this made things a lot more difficult.

"Holy cow", he complained as he tried to get his foot free from the Croc. The man suddenly lost his balance since the escalator was moving forward at a constant pace, making him fall backwards. Good thing no one was behind him, but man, the sharp edges of the moving stairs hurt badly.

Tony was still trying his best to stop smiling. "Try wriggling your foot free!" he suggested, as he arranged the things Steve threw.

"Darn it!" Steve struggled forward, and tried so hard to hide his face from the people below while removing the sock. The sharp edges moving across his back was not a pleasant feeling.

Tony extended his hand towards him, and Steve desperately reached and clung to it. The billionaire pulled hard, just enough for Steve to regain his balance.

"It takes two to tango", he remarked, feeling unusually tired. "You're getting heavier, Steve. You should go on a diet."

Thanks to the struggle, Steve's foot was now free of the cursed Croc. He was now walking with one foot wearing a sock and the Croc, while the other was bare. The escalator stopped moving and smoke oozed out from the small spaces.

The Captain quickly lowered his cap to cover his face, picked up the bags and went straight away from the loud, murmuring crowd complaining about the sudden stop of the escalator. Guards started approaching the commotion, and Steve walked even faster.

"Hey, where the hell are you going?" Tony paced after him.

"To find a new pair of footwear."

"Computer hardware first."

"No. I'll buy new shoes first and then we can go to your modern tech shop."

"Well too bad you don't have a wallet."

Steve looked at her in disbelief, dropped some bags, felt his pockets, and ran both his hands across his hair in sheer frustration.

"You're the worst fairy godmother a person could ever have!"

"Ouch."

Tony pouted, meaning for it to be cute, but it didn't come off that way. The pout he made was actually sexy, and a few guys near them started mouthing the words 'damn girl!'.

Steve was very proud of himself for being patient with this woman. He knew this person just entered his life a few moments ago, but he can't help but feel a bit of familiarity between them. It's like having a weird case of déjà vu, but he didn't know why.

Tony noticed the way some men were looking at her, so he resumed a serious look. "Well at least I'm going to make your wish come true soon."

"Like you would know what my wish is."

"I'm pretty sure you're here looking for new clothes Capsicle. And because of the recent incident, a new pair of shoes." Tony remarked. "Why else would you be in the mall?"

Steve crossed his arms. "I could be looking for my missing friend."

The billionaire's playful mood evaporated instantly. Shit, has Steve figured out who he was? It cannot be possible that a man this dense would figure it out that quick. According to Tony, the order of the people who would most probably find out about his real identity after spending a few minutes with him would be: Rhodey, Bruce, Fury, Nat, Pepper, Clint, Steve, and then Thor.

Tony was now deep in his thoughts, trying to figure whether or not Steve found out. Of course, he still plans to bring him along because he cannot physically carry all the baggage by himself. Damn, If only Jarvis were here.

"Toni, you okay? Your silence is new to me."

"HEY LOOK A COMPUTER STORE!"

The former man rushed towards the shop, but Steve remained in place. "But shoes!"

Tony rolled his eyes and turned around. "Ugh, fine… hey wait, I have a pair of slippers here that you could use."

He took them out from the bag and handed them to Steve. The Captain's eyes twitched when he saw the design printed on the red, blue and white pair of slippers.

"Damn it, Toni."

He closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. Just when he was about to forget the missing Iron man, this woman does something only Tony Stark would do.

"Well I gotta admit, I never meant to buy that. It was meant for a friend, so I took a random pair out of the stack." He took a good long look at the footwear. "You should be grateful."

Despite everything, Steve laughed heartily. Tony was definitely creeped out, because he never saw Steve do that before. He also noticed how cute he was while laughing –

Stark, you are male man filled with testosterone. Pull yourself together.

Tony blocked his thoughts and stared quizzically at the chuckling man. "What the hell Steve."

"I don't know... it's… it's just that you remind so much of someone I know."

Oh shit.

OH SHIT.

Sweat beads started to form on Tony's forehead.

Steve dropped the pair of slippers and put them on. "I mean, you both have the same personality, you use the same, exact nicknames for me, you even have the similar names, and you are both annoying as heck."

Tony couldn't believe his ears. "Who the hell uses 'heck' as an expression?"

"See, that right there!" Steve extended his hand to her, pointing. "That is exactly what Tony Stark would say if he were here right now."

The billionaire just shrugged, pretending to be baffled. "So it's like I'm the female version of Iron Man."

"Yep."

"And your point is...?

Steve picked up the bags and walked to the direction of the computer store. "Nothing… it's just incredibly eerie for some reason."

Wow.

Well, he's not wrong.

* * *

 **Author's note:** HEYYY! I'm on break, but i'm still busy with commissions so I might take a while to update.

Yeahhh the part with Tony and Steve is pretty long so i had to cut it into 2 parts I'M SO SORRY/OTL

This chapter has so much narration... i'll try to make the next one better tho

Anyway, thank you so much for reading!

Sneak Peek - Tony summon's Thor; Jarvis wakes up


	9. Summoning

"And this", said Tony, holding a neatly packed mouse, "is what you call a computer mouse. It slightly resembles the actual creature but doesn't behave like it, obviously, since this one is not alive."

"What are we doing here, Toni? You've finished buying your stuff 30 minutes ago."

"I'm teaching you the basics of computer hardware since you obviously know nothing about it. This is essential information of the modern world, and you need it to survive out there, my son."

Steve shook his head. "Why do I need to know about - "

"What if your number one lady fan asks you 'hey Captain A, can I borrow a mouse?'..." Tony crossed his arms and looked at him directly in the eye. "I dare you to tell me honestly that you're NOT going to give the poor girl a dead murine organism and scare the shit out of her."

"I'm not going to do that!" Steve was a bit red faced. This woman was really, REALLY testing his patience.

The billionaire raised his brow at him.

Steve pulled his collar awkwardly. "No, I'm not going to do that, since I'll be giving her a live mouse, which she will find cute... I think."

Tony rubbed the bridge of his nose, and looked as if he were in intense pain.

"See? This is why we are here, learning technology basics."

"Hold on, why would a fan of mine borrow a computer mouse? I really don't think - "

"Exactly! You don't think."

Steve's right eye twitched. Why was he putting up with this lady anyway?

They were both inside a computer hardware store, but Tony has long finished buying the stuff he needed. The duo took a while though since the genius was still busy with tutoring the Captain about modern technology.

"I still need to buy some stuff for myself, so please hurry up."

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot...", The former man glanced around looking for other hardware he could shove into Cap's face. After a while, he realized that going shopping for Cap's new clothes would be much more fun than torturing him here. "Alright you win. Come on, let's go."

They both exited the store, bringing even more bags filled with stuff. Steve was obviously carrying more things than Tony, but of course it was no problem for him. The entrance to the department store was not that far, so they were able to reach it after only 7 minutes.

"Wait, you're done shopping, right?"

Tony didn't look back, and walked with a faster pace than Steve. "Yep."

"Then why are you still here? I can help you get a taxi, you know."

"But who will choose your clothes for you?"

"Uhh, i can do it myself."

"I don't think so, Brosicle. You just wore crocs with socks in public. You aren't ready to choose your stuff, obviously."

Steve tried his best not to curse. How in the world was he going to get rid of this woman?

Despite this attitude, Steve secretly enjoyed hanging out with her. Of course, he was never going to admit it.

* * *

The duo spent several hours searching for the perfect wardrobe for Captain America. Of course, they only took so damn long since Tony won't stop criticizing his choices. Sure, he gave Jarvis a chance before because it was his first time so he really had to do it himself. This resulted with his AI buying suburban dad clothes.

He was not going to repeat this mistake with Steve.

"What about this blue one?" Steve held out a blue shirt with a cute, large smiley face in the middle, and a large 'I'm so happy' printed out in the bottom.

"You would look like an 8 year old kid whose mom won't let him wear a superhero robots shirt because it would look too violent."

So far both of them agreed with only a few clothes, and Steve was somehow proud of it. She was in charge with carrying the new stuff, while he consulted her whenever something catches his eye.

With this lady tagging along, he wasn't expecting to be able to buy any at all, so being able to buy a few felt like a crowning achievement.

He took another from the rack, and this time it was a green polo shirt with just a number 0. "Maybe you agree with this?"

Tony scoffed at him. "What the hell does 0 even stand for?"

"That's not really important... Oh come on Toni you gotta give me this one. The color - "

The billionaire suddenly smiled. "OH! It's the number of times Captain A got laid."

Steve rested his head on both his hands while blushing severely when Tony said that way too loud.

What is wrong with her? It was bad enough that his identity was blatantly announced, but sharing information about his sex life was way over the line.

It's definitely something Stark would do, though.

Tony was indifferent to what the Captain was feeling, as usual. "I like that shirt, come on give it to me."

A lot of passing people enjoyed looking at the bickering duo, mainly because Tony's remarks were freaking witty and the Cap's frustration was priceless. Good thing they were not able to notice that this man was actually the man who led the team that saved New York from an alien invasion.

A saleslady approached them with a warm smile, so Steve lowered his cap to hide his face. "Is there anything I can help you with?"

"Where are your patriotic shirts - OW!" The large man stepped on Tony's foot.

Steve smiled back at the saleslady. "Don't worry ma'am, we can handle choosing clothes ourselves."

She just bowed politely and smiled back. Tony was getting annoyed at the way she grins. "Alright then. Guess you really trust your girlfriend to pick the right combinations, huh?"

Both people blushed furiously.

"Oh no ma'am we are not in any kind of relationship." Steve quickly retorted, saying the words too fast and waved his hands in denial.

Tony gaped at her, and then at Steve. He was definitely trying to calm his inner bitch self since it could lead to him exposing his actual identity to the Captain. He was about to reply about not being gay, but it really wouldn't make sense with the situation he was in right now.

In addition, he really wanted to roast her for saying that, since he was now starting to visualize Steve in a new light.

Tony was desperately trying to ignore the way Cap's arms were perfectly hugged by the sleeves of his shirt. It was pretty tight on him, subtly exposing his perfect muscles -

Tony started sweating. He quickly reminded himself that he was a male man with loads of testosterone.

"I don't like to go out with men who wear crocs. With socks." was all he could say, thanks to his internal struggle.

The captain could clearly see how tortured she was when she said that, and he chuckled to himself when he realized that she was trying so hard to control herself from scolding the saleslady. If only he knew why Tony was so strained.

"You wear crocs with socks?" she asked, looking a bit disappointed. Steve blushed again, and he grinned slightly. "It was comfortable."

Tony smirked, recovering a bit from the internal struggle. "You should've seen the incident with the escalator."

Steve's smile disappeared and was replaced by sheer embarrassment. He dragged Toni away from the lady by holding her hand.

"Hey!"

The philanthropist felt like shit since his female hormones were raging, making him focus on the Captains large, and reassuring hand wrapped around his. Tony tried so hard not to blush again, and kept cursing at Loki.

Fuck you Loki.

He focused again on the large man's arm, and his heart started beating when he saw his large, amazing muscles.

Fuck you Steve.

Fuck Steve.

WHAT THE FUCK.

He immediately removed his hand from the Captain's, and wiped it furiously on his shirt as if it was contaminated with dangerous viruses.

Holy shit, what the hell was that?

Steve stopped walking and turned to face Tony, looking quite stressed.

"You okay?"

"Never better." He was still wiping his hand on his shirt.

Steve then tapped her on the shoulder."Can we please go back to shopping? We need to hurry up. There is this mission I gave to my teammates and I need to know whether or not they succeeded…" He glanced at the clothes Tony was holding. "Maybe just one more would do."

"Sure. Take a pick, Cap." He finally finished wiping his hand, and breathed a sigh of relief. What in the world just happened?

Steve went to look around, and he found a nice looking plain white polo shirt. "This one is pretty neat."

Tony's nose scrunched up. "It's too damn neat. It's like something you'll wear during office hours." He searched the area for other options, and sure enough, he found a perfect shirt that would really suit him.

"Are you absolutely sure that you don't want something like this?" The former man showed him a white polo shirt, but this time with blue and red stars all over.

"Are you kidding me. Damn it Tony, you bought me like a ton of shirts like this - "

Wait a minute. This woman was not Tony.

Both people were caught by surprise.

"Huh. I'm pretty sure I didn't buy you clothes, Cap. We just met today." The former man tried to modulate his voice, eliminating any sign of nervousness.

"Y-yeah…", Steve muttered. He was staring so hard at the ground, wondering why he referred to her as if she was his annoying, rich teammate. Maybe because they were extremely alike?

Tony thought maybe this much exposure is enough.

"Take the damn white office shirt and pay for all this stuff. I remembered that I need to check up on something back at the hotel."

Steve took the shirt and stared quizzically at her. "Hotel?"

Shit.

"I'm not from here, but I attended a… business meeting of sorts. So yeah, I'm staying in a hotel right now."

They both approached the counter, and Steve gave all the clothes to the cashier. While she was busy, the two of them conversed a bit.

"So where do you live?"

Damn, how many lies was Tony supposed to generate today?

"Mars." He deadpanned. Steve sensed that maybe she didn't want to disclose too much information about herself to him, but he decided to play along.

"Interesting. I've always wanted to visit that place." Stark wondered if he was being sarcastic or just plain stupid.

"Fuck off. As if you'd want to go there. The place smells like rust."

Steve grinned. "It's where you live. That's enough reason for me to go there."

Hold up. Was he flirting with him?

Steve suddenly pressed his pointer finger on Tony's head, catching him off guard, and pushed slightly. "Gotcha! Of course I won't go to Mars! I don't think people could live there… I mean, it is a planet with no water and air for breathing, right?"

Tony breathed a sigh of relief. Good, he wasn't flirting.

"Duh. I can't believe you still need someone to assure you about the fact that there is no air and water on Mars."

Once Steve finished paying, the both of them grabbed the bags and started to go towards the mall exit. Tony beamed inwardly, since Steve wasn't able to catch him switch up some shirts.

Out of the 5 Steve bought, 2 were U.S.A. themed ones

* * *

Captain America helped Stark get a taxi, and also assisted with placing his things in the car trunk. Once everything was settled, Tony looked back at Steve.

"Good job today, butler. I relieve you of your duties."

"A simple 'thank you' would feel much better, you know."

Tony rolled his eyes. "Whatever." He hopped in the car and closed the door forcefully. He then turned his attention to the driver. "Take me to the nearest hotel."

"Yes ma'am."

Before the car could leave, Steve knocked on Tony's window.

"What the fuck does he want now?"

He rolled down the car window and glared at the Captain. "Capsicle, I just said that I relieve you of your duties."

"Will we meet again?"

Tony did a double take. "What?"

Steve blushed very, very slightly and stated his question again. "Will we meet again? I can't help but feel curious about you." Well that came out weird.

Tony's heart was beating furiously due to fear and nervousness, but some of it was because he was starting to feel weird things. Fucking female hormones.

"I am 100% sure we will see each other again, Cap."

Steve looked weirdly relieved.

"But I'm not sure you would recognize me as the same person."

Before the Captain could reply, Tony quickly turned to the driver. "Hurry up, drive away!" The man nodded and shifted gears.

Tony looked back, then leaned hard on the car seat. "What the fuck just happened?"

The car quickly took off, leaving Steve to his questions.

"I'm pretty sure I'll still recognize you." he said to himself while smiling like a kid.

He really wanted to get to know this woman a bit more.

* * *

After successfully bringing all bags to their room, the former man sat heavily on the nearest chair and rested his head on his arms.

Today was a very stressful day for Tony Stark. First, he had to deal with the numerous stuff he bought from the mall, then some annoying guy crashed into him, possibly breaking a few stuff. But the most bothersome moment was meeting Steve.

Sure, he was somewhat grateful for the help he got, but damn, being a woman around Captain America was not easy.

He really, really needed to get his original body back, then beat the crap out of Loki for making him put up with all the hardships.

He shifted his legs around, since he could feel the uncomfortable flow of blood from his vagina down to the pad.

Fuck this. Tony groaned loudly, then quietly entered the bedroom.

Jarvis was still peacefully sleeping. The blankets and pillows were scattered around him, and he was now lying on his stomach.

"Aww, what a baby." Tony remarked. He quickly entered the bathroom to take a bath and change his pad.

He locked the door, then stated removing his clothes. The grown man nearly screamed when he saw all the blood on the pad.

"Holy shit! Fuck!" He took it out carefully, and quickly threw it in the trash bin.

The man shuddered and quickly took all his other clothes off. He started running the shower, and that was when he was able to properly gather all his thoughts.

It was still 1:30 pm, so Tony had a lot of time to start building his well thought of contraption. Of course, he was going to eat something first… Coffee, maybe. There might be a small chance that Jarvis will wake up and come help him too, making things easier for him. He missed Jarvis being always there for him, but his AI being human was interesting to observe, so it's kind of a neutral situation.

Anyway, using what he was about to build, he was going to summon the god of thunder.

* * *

"How was the search?"

"I have entered several possible realms he may be located in, father, but so far I have not found him."

Odin sighed and stared at his staff in deep thought. He had a lot of issues to deal with in Asgard, but Loki escaping had become his priority. Of course, he entrusted this to Thor, his first born.

"Do you know what he may be after?" Odin asked. He knows that there is a high probability that Loki will seek revenge, and to be able to pull this off, he was going to need a power source. The king of Asgard recently removed most of his magic, rendering him somewhat powerless.

Thor nodded. "I am afraid that he will come after the Somnium Jewel."

"The Somnium Jewel… I'm certain that I have hid it within deep realms. How is he going to access it?"

"The humans have it sir."

Odin raised his brow. "How?"

"It is a question even Fury of Shield cannot answer."

Thor's father did not care who this Fury of Shield was, for his main concern was the whereabouts of the jewel.

"Have you located it?"

"It is within Midgard father. My team and I have a mission to safely retrieve it from the other humans who now possess it, and it would be delivered back here safely."

Odin nodded solemnly. "Just find Loki, Thor, and bring him back Make sure he doesn't do anything destructive again."

"Of course father."

"You are dismissed."

The god of thunder bowed with respect, and walked away.

He passed through the hallways silently, trying to think of a plan of capturing Loki. Capturing him is easy of course.

The problem was finding the, as the Man of Iron would say, 'little bitch'. Loki was very good at hiding himself, especially now since all the power he has left involved changing form and shape.

While contemplating, Thor felt a weird wave, as if someone was calling him. It was not physical; it was as if something was tugging on his soul.

Someone from Midgard was summoning him by changing the weather in a specific location. He also suddenly had a weird craving for Pop Tarts.

Thor quickly ran towards Heimdall and the Bifrost, with a strong feeling that this may be one of Loki's doings.

If it was, then looking for him won't be a problem anymore.

"Heimdall!"

The guard of the rainbow bridge turned towards the direction of the sound.

Thor continued to sprint. "Open the Bifrost!"

Heimdall nodded and without question, opened the rainbow bridge for Thor to go through. The god of thunder quickly spun Mjolnir using his right hand, and used it as a force to drive him through the bridge to the Midgardian realm.

* * *

When Thor arrived, the clouds were dark as ashes and lighting could be seen everywhere. Thunder started clapping one after another and this really freaked Tony out because he was on the very top of the hotel, making him closer to all dangerous activities of the sky. Rain started to pour.

"Ah shit."

The god of thunder landed just 3 feet away from the shivering woman, who was wearing one of Jarvis' dad vests because he forgot to buy a jacket.

"Thor please chill", he remarked, staring at the sky and not at the large man in front of him. "I only wanted lightning; the rain has nothing to do with me. So stop it."

The god raised his hammer, and with just that, he was able to stop the drizzle. This feat astounded Tony a bit.

"Are you the person who summoned me here?"

Tony crossed his arms and tried to raise his chin effectively at the really tall guy. "Damn right I am."

Thor was taken aback by the female Midgardian's answer. "Have you not been warned about the dangers of summoning gods?! If dark magic was involved - "

"Thor, calm the fuck down. I didn't use any voodoo to summon your ass down here." He pointed at the sky. "I just built something that could change atmospheric stability by modifying the placement of charged particles."

Thor wanted to argue, but he didn't understand a single word she just said. So he just stood there, with furrowed eyebrows, for a full 5 seconds.

"Also", Tony continued, "I added a few pieces of Pop Tarts on the contraption. Not sure if you felt it though. Don't worry; I left some here in case the thunder overlord needs his daily dose of diabetes."

"I sense no dark magic involved."

"Exactly! It's just pure science and my genius." The billionaire picked the pack of Pop Tarts and handed them to Thor. "Diabetes?"

"No thank you, I would only want the Tart of Pops." Thor took the pack and glanced inside. "May you tell me which ones are the diabetes?"

Tony sighed and ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. "Uhh… those are all Pop Tarts Thor."

The son of Odin took a piece. "You are a confusing young female human, unlike Jane."

Tony's eyes widened. Oh boy, here we go again.

"Jane Foster is – "

"I'm Tony Stark."

Thor stopped talking, and he slightly lowered the hand that was holding the Pop Tart. "Man of Iron?"

Tony spread his arms and pointed to himself. "The one and only."

The large man slowly approached her, while staring intently into his eyes. Tony slowly backed away, trying to figure out what the fuck Thor was doing.

"Thor, this is getting awkward."

"YOU ARE INDEED THE MAN OF IRON!"

"Yeah, didn't I just say that – WOAH!"

The large man wrapped his arms around Tony, and carried him as if he didn't way a single ounce. "You have the same funny ridiculous eyes as he!"

"Wait, funny ridiculous – THOR PUT ME DOWN!"

The man quickly let go of him, resulting to Tony falling on the floor.

"I am extremely sorry."

"What the hell was that for?!"

Thor frowned with puppy dog eyes. "Your disappearance caused grief back in the tower. We thought you were in deep trouble."

"Grief? Seriously?"

"Yes. I heard how both the Eye of the Hawk and the now-tiny once-large green man were upset about not being able to do something called 'laundry'."

"Wow. They sure are good friends."

"Indeed. Now we can go back together and celebrate your return!"

The billionaire shook his head. "Oh no, I am not going back looking like this."

Thor smiled at him. "Your form does not look terrible. This female body somehow suits you." The wide grin disappeared in a flash when he finally realized what might have happened to Tony.

"Have you encountered my brother?"

The billionaire swallowed hard and nodded sarcastically. "Wow. I cannot believe that it took you this long to realize the reason why I summoned you."

Thor grabbed her shoulders all of a sudden. "Man of Iron! This is important! I need to know the whereabouts of Loki."

"Same here that's why I want to propose a solution to our problem."

The large man let go of him, and crossed his arms. "What do you have in mind?"

"I made this just a few hours ago." Tony held out a small pad, about the size of an iPhone. "It can track Loki's signature waves within a 20 mile radius."

He handed it to Thor, who carefully held the item and stared at it closely. "I only see a blue thing blinking in the middle of the screen."

"That's you. And if ever Loki gets within the radius, a neon green dot shows up and blinks."

"I understand."

"Good thing you are better than Steve at tech. You see, it's important that you have one since I am totally Earth-bound right now. Can't go to space like you guys who just use bridges to hop to different realms."

"I will put this object to good use, then." Thor held it against his chest. "Thank you, Man of Iron."

"And when you find him, you absolutely have to bring his ass back to me and force him to change me back."

Thor nodded. "Of course. I shall now go to the Captain and inform him of your whereabouts."

"What?! No!"

Thor raised a brow. "Why not?"

Tony didn't have a good enough reason, so he just used his authority over the god of thunder.

"Because I told you so."

Thor didn't buy it. He just glared at him.

"Well, also because I am busy right now with another mission that has to be kept secret from you guys. It's more of a personal mission so please don't butt in."

"Do you have problems with your family?"

"Yes, kind of. Just promise me you won't tell the Capsicle."

Thor had no other choice but to do so. After all, he was his teammate and he respected his request. "I promise, Man of Iron."

"Good. Now go fly away and find the little shit you have for a brother."

* * *

The first thing that Jarvis did when he woke up was look at the clock. He really hated not knowing it automatically, because now he need to put some actual effort, juts to know what time it is.

The clock read 8:46.

"Ah, it's quite late already."

He carefully stood up, not minding how woozy he felt.

"Sir, I believe sleeping has successfully improved my physiological conditions."

He walked to the living room, but all he found was a very messy floor. Screws were spread everywhere, and there were several papers with equations scattered. Metal sheets, wires, motors, gears and a whole lot of other stuff were on the table as well.

"Sir?"

No answer. Where could his master be?

Jarvis took his phone and scrolled through it. There were no new messages. He dialed the man's number, but he wouldn't answer it even after a few rings.

"Oh dear, where could he be?"

Now see, this is exactly why Jarvis hated sleeping. Plus, now that he's human, he cannot trace Tony's current whereabouts anymore.

"What are the most frequent places sir would go to?" he asked himself. He started pacing around the house while computing all the places Tony went throughout his life, and determining how long he spends his time in each.

After a few seconds of data processing, he got the results.

Tony Stark could be either in a bar, or in a strip club.

Jarvis sighed.

He was going to regret this.

* * *

 **Author's notes:** WAHHHH thank you for all the kind comments! Honestly i was about to put off writing for a while because of all the drawing commissions i need to do, but i really didn't want to let you guys down ; v ; )/

I think i post every Thursday? I'm not sure but it feels like it.

Anyway i am so thankful for all the follows, favorites and comments! I will try my best to successfully finish the whole story 3

Sneak Peek - Jarvis in a strip club, and both of them in a bar (/ v \\\\\\)


	10. Strip Club

Tony came down from the rooftop with a heavy aching head, and with clothes that were slightly wet from the drizzle.

His plan was so far flawless: All he needs is Thor to search several realms, and probably a few places here on Earth as well, and the tab he gave him would give the god his brother's exact location. This was all thanks to Jarvis, since he was able to save the patterns of Loki's energy signals.

Speaking of Jarvis, was he still asleep?

Tony was thankful that he chose a room closest to the rooftop, since he didn't have to walk that far. But he chose this room mainly because he was always used to having rooms in high elevations.

He slowly unlocked the door and noisily came in. He threw the keys on the table, and removed Jarvis' dad vest from his body since it was soaking wet.

"Honey I'm home!" he called out.

He looked around the room, nodding at how neat the papers and blueprints were set on the table, and how all his tools were arranged in –

Wait. This place was in disorder when he left.

"Jarvis, you awake? I'm hungry let's go grab a donut or something."

Tony went towards the room, and saw that the blankets and the pillows on the bed were neatly arranged. The billionaire turned towards the bathroom and listened for shower noises, but he didn't hear a thing.

"J, you here?" He opened the closet, and sure enough, a couple of new clothes were missing, and his towel was damp.

"Shit, where the fuck did he go?"

The former man reached for the phone in his pocket, but realized that he left it in the pocket of his other pants. He grabbed the pants and fished out his phone. Sure enough, there were about 12 missed calls from Jarvis.

"Oh no."

* * *

Jarvis knows that his master spends almost all of his time in his lab, or his workshop working on modifications on his suits or making entirely new ones. However, with this situation going on, it is highly unlikely that he is located there.

The public places he goes most frequently, however, are bars, and a different variety of strip clubs. He usually dresses up trying to hide his identity, and once he gets into one of the private VIP rooms, he reveals himself as the rich billionaire genius, and of course, does his usual thing.

The AI was standing in front of the entrance of a very popular strip club, one which Tony frequently goes to. He was just standing there like an idiot, trying to come up with some other way to find his master. He was currently wearing a dark red long sleeved polo shirt that was inserted neatly into his pants. The sleeves were folded towards his elbows. He had his new black shoes on, and he was still wearing his dorky glasses.

Jarvis, being an advanced form of artificial intelligence, could actually just trace his phone or think of some intricate scheme, but he really wanted to try and see why Master Stark tends to enjoy going to places like these. Of course, he knows the logical explanation, but he still wanted to view it from a human perspective.

The man entered the building, went down a few steps in the dark, then entered the room.

He quickly adjusted his eyes to the dim lights, and tried to analyze the scene before him.

Mellow music was playing slowly. There were a lot of men, of course, all drinking and seated comfortably watching the women do all the work on stage. Two busty ladies, a blonde and a brunette, danced around a single pole. Some women were assigned to do lap dances on the male customers.

The man marveled at how large the place was. Most men seemed to be rich, judging by the way they behaved and the way they dressed. Also, a lot of them were old men. However, there were some average joes hanging out and having a good time cheering at the pole dancers.

Jarvis wondered why he found looking at the barely clothes weirdly uncomfortable, and he tried his best not to linger too much on one of the dancer's wiggling boobs.

A short yet built guy approached him, thinking he was another rich business man they can exploit. The man has never seen Jarvis before, so it was really a good idea to pamper him here and make him another one of their regular customers.

"Liking what you see, sir?" asked the man. He had a slight Hispanic accent.

"Umm… I'm not going to be taking long here. I'm just looking for a certain woman - "

The short guy nodded cheerfully. "Of course, of course! Describe."

Jarvis was in luck. He loved how this man was very accommodating.

"She's about this tall", Jarvis positioned his hand to describe Tony's height, "has dark brown hair and brown eyes - "

He was about to say more about Tony when he was interrupted by the accommodating guy. "You've said enough sir, I think we've got your girl. Would you prefer to meet her in the VIP room?"

So, Tony really was in this place. The AI congratulated himself for successfully locating the billionaire. "It would be more efficient to meet her here, I believe."

"No, sir I insist! The VIP room has better atmosphere."

Jarvis was now genuinely confused. Why would he need better atmosphere? The Earth obviously has only one atmosphere and most of it was found outside the building, and up in the mountains.

"I believe you mean to say that your VIP rooms have better atmospheric conditions, not a better atmosphere. Earth has the best one yet, if we exclude Asgard."

The man just nodded, obviously wondering what the fuck this dude just said. He was starting to sense that this man was incredibly gullible, and he can easily be manipulated to spending all his cash. "Just wait inside the room and I will get you your girl."

Jarvis politely followed, oblivious to what the man was actually doing. He was actively trying to avoid looking at the women, since he found out that it induced some hormonal effects on him. The man led him to a room, which was a bit far from the stage.

He opened the door to reveal a very nice looking area , which consist of a very sophisticated looking sofa, an antique looking table and chairs, plus dim lights which made it look peaceful. There was a pole near the center of the room.

"Just wait here sir, I'll bring your girl to you."

The AI nodded, and sat down on the sofa. He studied its texture and smiled at its softness. Never has he experienced these kinds of new senses, so every new sensory input was definitely overwhelming for him. Sure, he missed being omnipotent, but being able to experience the world from the point of view of a fragile human being was something quite enjoyable.

He put his hand on the table and felt how smooth it was, when he suddenly realized something.

VIP rooms were what Mr. Stark always used when he goes to strip clubs. This was where a lot of girls do their show for him, and occasionally, Mr. Stark does his own shows as well.

It dawned on him that he was in the same room that women do private shows for rich men.

Oh no.

OH NO.

"Oh dear", Jarvis was starting to sweat, which was another human aspect that he wasn't quite used to yet. He wasn't ready for this. He was a human for probably a little over 24 hours, and what he was about to experience was something his artificial brain was not ready for.

He got up, hurriedly approached the door in an attempt to get away.

But the door opened all of a sudden, revealing the short man and two, very beautiful women with brown hair and brown eyes.

"I brought you your girls, mi amigo."

"Umm, well, about that - "

"Please treat them as you please."

The women entered and the man shut the door, leaving the AI speechless. He stared at the 2 women, and saw how they looked hungrily at him. Both of them were Latinas, and Jarvis was starting to grasp the concept of human beauty.

"Uhh…", he stuttered, while nervously scratching the back of his neck. "I am not really into this yet… I definitely have no experience with … err, interactions between us human beings… Especially in this level."

One of the women, the one with amazing short brown curls and large loop earrings walked closer Jarvis, and gently grabbed his collar using both hands. She started to unbutton his polo, but stopped at the fourth one. The man's face went red as a tomato when he noted how close her lips were.

"Then let us teach you, señor."

* * *

"Have you seen a guy about yea high, and looks like the most British man to ever British?"

The hotel bellhop did not take his eyes of this beautiful woman, but despite his distraction, he managed to register what Tony just asked.

"Uhh yes ma'am. I think he went out of the hotel in a hurry…"

"Which way did he go afterwards?"

"No idea ma'am."

Tony sighed and left to exit the building. He hurriedly went past the guard, and looked into the busy streets. The city lights were as bright as ever, and Tony was in the mood to go drinking… He'll probably do so after he finds Jarvis.

"If I were an artificial intelligence that was miraculously transformed where would I go?"

He eyed the buildings around and searched for a possible place that Jarvis would enjoy.

Why did he leave the room in the first place anyway?

Tony didn't want to trace Jarvis phone at first since he trusts himself that he could easily find the guy, but now that he had absolutely no idea of his whereabouts, it seemed like the only logical option.

"Gotta go all the way up there again I guess."

* * *

The AI was having a very hard time trying to keep a straight face. The two women were sexily dancing in front of him, and the woman with long, straight hair suddenly sat on his lap.

Jarvis flinched.

"Before we go all out, may I know how much you are willing to pay?" The woman was a bit worried, since Jarvis hasn't handed them any cash yet. However, they were clearly enjoying themselves because it was not every day that they get to dance for a man this hot.

Jarvis was still doing his best trying to keep the straightest face, and ran through his memory to recall how much Tony spends every time he comes to this place, and he considered how much money he brought with him.

Luckily, he brought the exact amount.

"$1000."

The eyes of both women widened, and the long-haired brunette, who was known as Ruby, removed his glasses and made out with him in an instant.

Usually, nothing can effectively surprise Jarvis… But that was only when he was still a mere program. Now that he's human, several things kept happening all at once, and most of them would genuinely startle the man. An example of this was his meeting with Agent Romanov back in the store where he bought pads for his creator.

Another example was the sudden kiss from this woman. He marveled at how soft they were, and tried hard to register the taste of her mouth. They obviously didn't taste like shawarma or ice cream, the only two ingestible items that Jarvis has tried so far. He didn't attempt to kiss back, since he was still shocked about this situation. She was caressing his hair with slight force as they kissed; something the AI found relaxing yet fierce.

Ruby finally bit his lip and let go of him. Jarvis thought it was painful, but somehow pleasurable.

He looked very flustered and tried to get his breathing back to the normal rate. The woman was also trying to catch her breath.

The other woman, who was called Reyna, just laughed out loud while dancing around the pole. "So I take it you were telling the truth about not being familiar with being this intimate to women?" Her Hispanic accent sounded new to Jarvis. It was different to hear various human voices with actual ears, and not tiny microphones.

"This is my first time, ma'am."

Both women were astonished at how polite the guy was. Ruby stood up to dance on the pole, and Reyna proceeded unto the AI's lap.

"Tell us a little bit about yourself, señor."

Jarvis was feeling strange things happening to his reproductive part. Was he actually enjoying this?

"There... There's not much to say about me ", he stated, when in fact there was a ton of things that he could actually tell about himself. He was still trying to catch his breath, but he found it difficult because of the way Reyna was dancing on him.

"Tell us about your work... Or family", remarked Ruby. She was genuinely intrigued by the man.

He decided to try to bend the truth a little. The AI tried to ignore how beautifully shaped Reyna's gluteus maximus was.

"I work for Tony Stark. I am assuming you are familiar with the man?"

Ruby's eyes widened. "The billionaire?"

"Yes. I serve as his personal assistant, more so currently since Ms. Potts was promoted to CEO of Stark Industries."

"Wow, you must be incredibly rich, then." Reyna smiled. They just hit another gold mine.

Jarvis shook his head. "I do not quite grasp the value of money yet, but I consider myself to be rich in much different aspects." By different aspects, he meant that he was rich with knowledge since and superhuman capabilities of thinking because, of course, he was an intelligence. The small talk he was having between the women was distracting him from focusing too much on their graceful bodily movements.

"And what aspects are those?"

"That, my dear ladies, is classified." He unintentionally smirked sexily at them, making both women develop a crush in the hot guy. His messy light blonde hair, electric blue eyes and the way his polo shirt was now half open was definitely quite a turn on.

* * *

Tony rushed hastily out of the hotel room, ran about 3 meters away from it, and then went back again since he forgot to lock the door. After that, he went back to rushing towards the elevator.

"I can't believe it", he muttered to himself.

He caught sight of the elevator doors, and ran just in time to keep it from closing. Inside was another woman, who had quite a good figure and was about the same age as he. Of course, Tony was not able to acknowledge her presence at first since he was too busy thinking. The woman was a bit startled when he suddenly came in.

"He went to a fucking strip club." Tony may have said it a bit too loud, loud enough for the woman to hear.

She chuckled. "Men, huh? You just can't control their urges sometimes."

Tony was a bit shocked to find out that he was not alone, but he still hasn't stopped thinking about Jarvis. "No, no you don't understand. He went to a fucking strip club _without me_." The former man looked at her with a very serious face.

The lady laughed even more. "Well it seems like some women can't control their urges as well."

"Damn right." He momentarily forgot that he looked like a woman as well, so his previous sentence may come off as odd to her. He looked at the screen to see what floor they were at. They were still on floor 17.

Tony was getting itchy. "Hurry up!"

The woman took her phone and started texting someone. "You gonna miss some big show tonight?" she asked, casually.

"It's the weekend, so yeah, but it's still too early for the booty presentations", Tony sighed. "I'm more worried about something else."

"Boyfriend?"

Tony's nose scrunched up. "Technically, he's...", he was about to say 'my son', but a woman his age would have children no older than 12. "... My cousin. My poor, sweet innocent cousin who is ignorant of city life and humongous booties."

The doors opened at floor 13, and an old couple came inside, in freaking slow motion. Tony's head was starting to ache.

"Come on, pick up the pace... ", he whispered to himself, but apparently his companion heard it and she nudged him on the stomach. The elevator doors closed, and they positioned themselves to properly accommodate the newcomers.

"What was that for?!"

"Your rudeness." She then smiled at the elderly couple. They smiled back at her.

The billionaire rolled his eyes, the glanced at the screen. They were now at floor 10.

The old people were softly talking to each other, enjoying one another's company. Tony, on the other hand, was growing impatient by the second.

"The Capsicle could actually learn tech faster than this elevator could go down."

"Capsicle?"

"A friend of mine. He's around 90 years old and is still a virgin."

The woman looked worried. "Oh my gosh, seriously? I hope he doesn't regret living his life without sex." She looked at the couple before her, and wished that she and her husband could last that long.

"Nah, he'll find someone eventually. Some other people...", he immediately remembered the spy duo, "are also trying to set up blind dates for the guy. Frankly I'm looking forward to see him back in sexual action."

"Oh." The woman was imagining an old, flimsy 90 year old man named Capsicle doing some sexual action. "Don't you think it's a bit too much for him? Not to offend your friend but, people within that age range usually suffer from arthritis or stuff."

"Oh, that big, hunky wall of meat is completely devoid of arthritis. He even runs faster than average guys." By average guys he meant Sam Wilson. He was able to see one of their early morning runs, and he could not forget how slow the guy was compared to Steve.

The woman did not know how to picture out the big, hunky 90 year old man. They were currently at the 3rd floor.

"Wow. I'd definitely want to know he's secret to aging like that."

"Just eat bald eagle for breakfast and take your daily dose of justice and righteousness. Also, you can spend like, about 70 years under cryogenic environments."

The elevator doors opened on the ground floor, and Tony immediately left before the elderly people took their first step toward the exit. The woman was left dumbfounded.

Tony rushed towards the exit of the hotel. Good thing the strip club wasn't too far from it; it was only a few blocks away, so there was no need to ride a taxi.

There were many people passing by, most of them were too busy with their phones, so they were able to easily ignore the woman who was frantically rushing to a strip club. Tony was preoccupied with so many thoughts, such as "why in the world would J go to a strip club in the first place?" or "why would he go without me?"

He finally reached a shady building, and then entered the doors hastily. He went down the staircase and saw a very familiar entrance.

"It feels good to be back."

Tony went in, and grinned so hard when he saw the usual beautiful women dancing on stage. Krystal still looked beautiful as ever, Delilah still shook her booty in the most fierce way, Jewel still had her humongous boobies, Hanako's skin was still as white as -

"What's your business here ma'am?"

Tony turned to the direction of the voice. "Manny! How're you doing?"

It took him less than a second to recognize his mistake. The short man was looking at him as if he grew another head.

"Do I know you?"

Shit. "Uhh, no. I just assumed that your name was Manny." He hoped it was a good enough reason.

"You assumed right miss." He eyed the billionaire, looking and closely inspecting her figure. "Registration for the new girls is over, but we can give you a spot if you want."

"Huh? Oh no, I'm not here to be a stripper..." Tony glanced at the stage a Britney did a perfect air shouldermount on the pole. "...but I do want to try someday. Anyway, I'm here for a certain guy."

"This is a female strip club, ma'am. I'm afraid - "

"I'm looking for a specific person, who has probably involuntarily become a customer. I'm sure he's around here somewhere..." The former man looked across the room, trying to find his AI. "He is about yea high, and is more British than the Queen of England."

"Oh! You're looking for the rich man with the British accent."

"Yeah, that guy. Where is he?"

The man started walking towards the VIP rooms, and Tony followed. "He has availed a private room and wishes not to be disturbed. Are you his wife?"

Tony shook his head harshly. "No. No. Nonononono no, no, no. NO. Oh god NO."

Manny chuckled and pointed towards the room Jarvis was in. "He's in there ma'am. I warn you, a lot of our girls took interest in him so please do not be too shocked."

"What?!"

Manny slowly and silently opened the room for the billionaire to peer in, and Tony, despite the warning, was still pretty shocked.

There were at least 5 women. AT LEAST 5 WOMEN. Most of them were brown-haired with brown eyes, and a lot were dancing in front of him like he was a king. Some of them were about to completely strip in front of him.

Meanwhile, Jarvis sat down confidently with one woman on each leg. One of them, the one Tony recognized as Reyna, was making out fiercely with his AI. The other woman observed the two closely, looking very impatient. She wanted to get her fill too.

Jarvis was reciprocating, while closing his eyes, as if focusing completely on keeping Reyna satisfied.

And fuck, it looked hot.

Tony tried not get turned on by whatever was happening right now. He slowly crept inside, making sure that none of the women saw him enter. He quietly sat on the sofa and motioned next to Reyna, and Jarvis was totally oblivious to his presence.

"And I thought you said you didn't want to be looking at more booty."

Everything stopped, except the music. All women turned to him, and Jarvis nearly jumped up the sofa. However, he was too out of breath to do that, plus he had two grown ladies on his thighs.

"SIR!"

Tony frowned at him. He gave him the third "how-many-times-do-I-have-to-tell-you-DO-NOT-CALL-ME-SIR-IN-PUBLIC' death stare.

The girls obviously felt awkward. What in the world was this woman doing in here?

"Sir, this is not what it seems to be." said the AI, whose face was starting to become a bright crimson.

* * *

Apparently Jarvis spent ALL of the money Tony gave him. They quickly left the strip club, and Tony tried so hard to ignore the beautiful bodies he missed so much.

Jarvis, on the other hand, was as quiet as Dr. Banner doing yoga.

They were both walking on the sidewalk, and Jarvis was a full 1 foot behind his master. He stared at the ground, and refused to look at Tony.

Little did he know that his creator has been trying to swallow his laugh, and tears were nearly coming out of his eyes. He cannot believe his AI had just experienced a VIP show from the best strippers of the club. Plus, his reaction when he saw him was priceless. Jarvis looked like a puppy caught in the act of pooping on the floor.

This went on for a full 2 minutes. Tony finally calmed down, and turned to him.

"What's with the brown hair and brown eyes? I had no idea that you had a type."

Jarvis' face went redder than before, and his computer-like mind tried to control the blushing, but failed. "I was looking for you, sir! When I woke up, you were nowhere to be found, so I panicked and tried to compute for your location."

"And you concluded a strip club."

"It s where you frequently are sir; considering and excluding your quarters."

Tony smirked. "I just went to the rooftop. I needed to summon Thor."

Jarvis' eyebrow shot up. "I assume the mess you have caused in the room was from creating something for summoning him?"

"Yep. It worked like a charm. I gave him some Pop Tarts, and a device for tracking Loki."

"Ah. Since he can easily traverse between realms, Master Thor is most likely to be the one who could easily locate Mr. Laufeyson."

"Exactly. So all in all, I was busy trying to improve our situation here while you were out flirting with girls."

Jarvis gave him a frustrated look. "Correction, sir: They were the ones who initiated. Also, I used certain programs to estimate the probability of your location. The results were that you left the hotel room to attend one of the stripping shows, so I merely went with my calculations."

"How the hell did you end up with those busty beauties, though?"

Jarvis tugged on his collar. "I was describing your characteristics to the short man, because he had claimed that he saw you within the building. Apparently, he lied."

"Aah… hence, the brown-haired, brown-eyed Latina beauties."

The AI nodded, and tried to gain composure. They were now walking together, side by side.

Tony finally let go and laughed for a full minute.

"Sir? Sir! The experience I had is not considered enjoyable. Please don't laugh."

"But it fucking is! Damn it J, you're a human for like less than 2 days and yet you are quickly learning. I'm actually very proud of you. You're a full-fledged man now."

"I'm not quite sure about that sir."

"Oh, come on! Tell me, how was your first kiss? I bet you went on some kissing spree with all the girls they threw at you."

The AI closed his eyes for a moment, and tried to think about his kiss with Ruby. "It definitely tasted nothing like shawarma or ice cream, sir."

Tony's eyebrows furrowed. "What the fuck. That's all you could say about it?"

"It was a bit pleasurable, but I cannot find a logical reason as to why."

"You don't need logic, J, just senses. It feels good, so fuck yeah, you kiss those soft yet full lips." Tony went silent. "Of course, if you kiss someone who you really want to be with, then that's a whole other thing…" His mind was occupied with thoughts of Pepper, and their relationship that didn't work out.

Jarvis sensed the change in his aura. This was something he was never able to do back when he was just a program. "Sir…"

"Anyway", Tony exclaimed, trying to change the subject, "we need to celebrate your achievement! How many booties have you slapped tonight?"

The AI sighed. "I am not like you, sir."

"Yeah, you're a one-of-a-kind, freaky unicorn man." He stopped all of a sudden, and turned to a direction entirely opposite to that of the hotel.

"Let's go to a bar. I'm in a drinking mood."

* * *

Rhodey leaned back on his seat, and took a last swig from his bottle of beer. Today was really tiring, mainly because he had use this whole week, and a few more months, on training the new cadets. His throat was kind of dry from shouting, and his muscles were a bit strained from all the activities they worked on.

This is why he was here right now, lazing around in a bar. Not just any bar though, this was the bar that matched to Tony Stark's standards. It had all the drinks that are available from different parts of the globe, and the people who came were all rich and classy. This was Stark's favorite bar, and because of coming back to it frequently, it had become his favorite too.

Of course, despite being classier than the regular pub, it was just as noisy.

A friend of his from the military sat down next to him, carrying another bucket of beer.

"Oh no, I have drank enough for tonight."

"What? No!" his friend handed him another bottle. "Come on Rhodes, we need to enjoy every second of this. We only have 2 days of rest, you know."

"And I would want to actually rest this time."

"Shut up and take it."

Rhodey took the bottle hesitantly. He just placed it next to him and faced his companion, who was too busy looking at the singer performing on stage.

"Hey, Mike."

"Huh?"

"If you were Tony Stark and you disappeared for 2 days, where do you think you would be now?"

Mike was still busy and paid only a small amount of attention to his companion. "What?"

Rhodey shrugged it off. "Nevermind."

"Wait, Tony Stark disappeared?" he asked rather loudly, still looking at the singer. Rhodey's eyes went wide.

"Shh, shut up."

The Colonel's urgent tone caught Mike's attention. "Wait, for real? The billionaire's gone?" he whispered.

"I have no idea where that idiot is. So do the others."

Mike smiled widely. "The others being?"

"Who do you think?"

Mike smile grew even wider. Ever since he was a little boy, he idolized Captain America. "The Avengers?"

"Shh. Yes. That metal-headed jerk suddenly bailed on them. Cap just asked me earlier today if I've seen him recently."

"And?"

"I tried to call him, but he won't answer. That was normal. I mean, I am used to him not answering his phone because he tends to ignore the world once he's focused on some thingamajig he's working on."

Rhodey opened the bottle he set next to him, and poured the beer into his glass. "Now when this happens, Jarvis always, ALWAYS informs me about his specific whereabouts, or tell me whatever he was doing so that I could call him some other time."

"Jarvis?"

"His butler." Rhodey deadpanned. He was too tired to explain to Mike the concept of an artificial intelligence.

"Oh… ", the soldier nodded, and tried to take it all in. "So you guys are all freaked since Mr. Stark and his butler won't answer their phones?"

"Err… yeah…" Rhodey was too tired to explain the situation further. He knew that Tony was going to be a big part of a mission tomorrow, and his disappearance may complicate things.

That son of a bitch better not have disappeared just because Pepper started going out with Mark.

"Yo Rhodes, gonna get back to you soon. Just saw a cutie pass by."

Before the Colonel could react, Mike stood up and approached the lady. She was around 5 and a half foot tall, and her wavy hair was messily arranged into a bun. Unlike most girls that were present, she was wearing a black shirt with some print that the soldier can't distinguish, and a plaid long sleeved polo over it. Her legs were hugged tightly by her skinny black jeans, and she was wearing sneakers that seemed brand new.

Rhodey nodded, since she was indeed cute. If Mark hadn't found her first, he would've made a move. The cutie was currently sitting in front of the bartender, complaining about something.

He watched as Mike approached her confidently, and noted how a smile formed on her face when the man offered to buy her a drink.

Wait a minute.

That smile… Rhodey did a double take when he realized that he knew the exact reason behind the evil grin.

This girl just thought of a new plan, and it will most likely involve manipulating people. Mike should watch out.

What really bothered the man so much was why he felt like he had seen the same damn smile over and over again at some point of his life. He tried to remember all the girls he dated, and some girls that he slept with.

None of them matched this weird sense of familiarity and fondness Rhodey seems to feel towards her.

He got up from his seat, and tried to lessen the distance between him and the talking duo, by quietly sitting in a booth closer to them. Mike seems to be enjoying himself, while the woman… She was pretending to be enjoying herself but most of what she was saying was dripping with sarcasm and boredom. How in the world did he know what was going on in her mind?

The Colonel caught sight of her black shirt, and found out that the print it had was that of the Black Sabbath band.

Rhodey chuckled and smiled inwardly. Damn, if Tony were here he would already have gotten into her pants –

Wait.

The man stared at her for the longest time, and his gaze still followed her even after she got up and walked away from Mike. He noted all her gestures, facial expressions, and body movements.

He held his breath when she disappeared from his view, and he finally breathed again after about 10 seconds.

He quickly got up to see where she went, and sure enough, she was talking to another guy, who was about to offer her a drink.

Rhodey sat down on another booth and his heart started racing.

"Tony?!" he asked.

* * *

 **Author's notes:** I'm crying right now... my brother found out that i was writing a fanfic... OMGGGGG if he finds this i am so dead. I am in a dangerous situation rn so i gotta be more careful whenever i write.

ANYWAY! Thank you so much for reading! I am so excited to know what you guys think about this chapter XD

To be honest, even i get excited for the next one... I constantly ask myself "OMG WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?!"

And I am not sure about Stony being end game. This story writes itself so i am still trying to see what will happen.

Sneak peek - Rhodey follows Tony around, Jarvis deals with alcohol, and a surprise awaits Cap and the others 3

THANK YOU!


	11. In the Bar

It was quite late in the Stark tower, and everyone had just finished eating their dinner. They were all in Tony's stylish living room, trying to solve the problem of their missing teammate.

Fury's image was projected on the large TV, and he was visibly frustrated. He was saying several words, mostly curses, but none of them could hear it because there was something wrong with the voice input on his side.

Clint leaned towards Banner who was seated beside him, still holding a tab.

"Why in the world is he using Skype?" he asked in a hushed tone. He didn't want his one eyed boss to hear him.

Banner chuckled. "You know how Tony loves to mess around with S.H.I.E.L.D.'s programs?"

"He does that all the time just to mock the computer tech department."

"Well, whatever program Fury used to video call us was recoded by him. I'm guessing it always malfunctions, making Fury resort to using Skype."

Clint leaned on the soft couch. "What a douche. But I gotta admit, this is what entertainment looks like."

He tried to suppress his laughter as Fury angrily mouthed words towards them.

Steve was seated quietly on the smaller couch, looking worriedly at Fury's angry face. He turned towards Dr. Banner.

"Bruce."

"Yeah?"

"Umm… is there any way you could fix this?"

Bruce put down the tab and started thinking. "The technical difficulty is on his end, so naturally I can't fix it… Why don't we just call Fury? Let him speak into the phone so that we could hear his voice, and view him at the same time."

"I'm on it." Natasha stood up and quickly grabbed her phone from the counter in the kitchen. She was getting bored at looking at her boss' frustrated expressions.

She rang the phone, and Fury immediately answered. This was seen through the TV screen.

"Use the phone, boss." She set the phone on loudspeaker.

"Why didn't I fucking think of this." Fury still sounded frustrated. Nat sat next to Steve, and the four people focused on the man projected in the screen.

"If Stark weren't that important I'd kill him this motherfucking instant."

"Calm down chief", said the Cap. "We can't talk about a missing person like that."

Fury rubbed his temples and tiredly looked into the camera.

"Still no sign of him?"

"None sir. We searched his possible location, and lost most leads. However, we were able to identify suspects who could've been involved with his disappearance", Natasha said seriously. She sent a photo of the man she met at the convenience store.

Fury looked at the photo. "I thought you said suspects."

"The other person was a woman", started Clint. "She seemed to be one of Tony's conquests, but based on how she was able to easily detect the position of the listening devices I installed… and the fact that she put his phone on one of my pockets, this woman may be more than just someone Tony had sex with."

"Did she seem familiar to you?"

"No sir. I don't think her identity is stored in any of our files as well."

"What about the man?"

"Also no leads. We ran him though our databases but there were 0 matches. Apparently his face is new." Natasha breathed for a moment. "He knew about my real identity as well."

Fury closed his eyes for a few second, and sighed. "How so?"

"He referred to me as Agent Romanov."

Clint added to that fact. "The woman also called me Barton casually. I think those two are related somehow, and are linked to Stark's disappearance."

Fury sighed louder. "Stark or no Stark, the auction for that fucking jewel is happening tomorrow. I need someone to get into that VIP list and take his place."

The whole room went silent for a while, trying to think of someone rich enough to take Stark's place. Clint was also seriously considering disguising himself as the billionaire; maybe that would work.

The silence was broken by a familiar voice from the back.

"Why not ask the genius himself?"

The sudden appearance of a man startled the team. He slowly walked towards them for effect.

"Stark?" asked Steve.

"Tony?" repeated Bruce. He removed his glasses, wiped them with his shirt, and put them on again.

The man was wearing a three piece suit and his signature sunglasses. He stood in front of them, wearing an evil smirk.

"Did you miss me?" he asked. "I'm pretty sure Star Spangled ass missed me."

"About fucking time", commented Fury. He quietly breathed a sigh of relief.

"Do you have any idea how your disappearing act worried us? You didn't even answer our calls!" Steve stood up and walked right in front of him.

"Aww, I knew you'd miss me, Mom." Tony remarked. "Chill Cap, I was always going to come back on time anyway. Can't leave behind my favorite group of freaks."

He paced towards his bar, took a bottle and began pouring wine into a wine glass. Steve followed and continued to scold him for vanishing all of a sudden. Clint wanted to hear Steve's rants, and Bruce had questions for Tony, so both men headed towards the bar as well.

Natasha, who was left behind in the living room, turned towards Fury. "Mission will still go as planned tomorrow, sir."

"Good. Make sure nothing wrong happens. Also…"

He looked at Natasha with serious eyes.

"I need you to continue searching for the 2 suspects. There is a possibility that they have hacked into S.H.I.E.L.D systems."

"Yes sir."

"And", Fury glanced at Tony, then back at Nat. He pointed at the phone and made a 'shhh' gesture, implying that she should retrieve the phone and turn off the loudspeaker. She did so quietly, while looking at him with confused eyes.

"Sir?" she asked.

"Something is off with Stark. I can feel it from here."

The screen went black after that. Natasha just stared into the phone, wondering what he meant by that. When Nat turned to the bar, she was able to sense something wrong with the man too.

* * *

"Where the hell were you, Stark? You still owe me my mission hearing aids."

"Don't worry bird brain, I'm gonna finish working on them soon." He took a sip from his glass. "And as for the 'where the hell was I' part, I'd like to inform you that I got you all a table for the most sophisticated and classy auction of all time."

"What?" Steve looked puzzled.

"I talked to Mr. Vargas. He said he'll gladly let you in, so there's no need for you guys to go as undercover spies."

Clint nodded. "That's pretty sweet, but I still need to keep my distance."

Steve nodded. "We still can't let our guard down even though we get free passes. Our eyes must be focused on the Somnium Jewel."

When the jewel was mentioned, 'Tony's' eyes glowed bright green for half a second. Unfortunately no one was able to notice the weird reaction.

No one but Bruce.

The doctor's eyebrows furrowed, wondering what that might have been. After trying to think about it, he shrugged it off.

The scientist patted Tony on the back, interrupting his talk with Clint. "While you were gone, Jarvis malfunctioned. Think you can fix that?"

"Oh yeah!" exclaimed the archer. "You ruined our laundry schedule."

Before 'Tony' could answer, Nat came and joined the group. "Fury gave us permission to go with the mission. You ready for it Stark?"

'Tony' shrugged and looked at her with ridicule. "As you know, I'm always ready."

Steve turned to Tony. "Just stick to the plan, okay Tony? No more sudden disappearances. We need to keep that jewel safe from Loki's hands."

'Tony' smirked wickedly. "Don't worry, Cap. The jewel's going to be safe with me."

* * *

"Alcohol does bad things to the human body J, but you only live once… hell, you just lived now, so you need to go get motherfucking drunk."

The duo just entered Tony's favorite bar, and as usual, it was incredibly noisy. Jarvis admired how classy the bar looked from the point of view of a human being.

"What admirable advice sir. I will try to uphold it with much fervor."

"Shut up." Tony scanned the area, and despite the crowded situation, he found an empty booth.

Tony pulled on Jarvis' sleeve. "Come on, let's sit here."

He dragged the large man who was still trying to adjust to the different ambiance of the bar. This place was significantly much better than the strip club, since women here were all properly clothed.

Tony threw the man on the booth, making Jarvis awkwardly sit on the cushion. "I meant to say _you_ sit here. I'm going to go get us some alcohol."

"Of course, sir."

Jarvis sat quietly with hands neatly on his lap. He was going to behave himself tonight, and try not to embarrass himself in front of his master again.

Tony, on the other hand, was very excited. Back when he was still a guy and Jarvis was still a functioning AI, he always wondered how he could make him drunk. Tony once started working on a program that could simulate the intoxication, but he was quickly found out by the AI himself. Ever since the event, the project was kept on hold. Mostly because the Jarvis locked his files and made sure he won't start on it again.

However, now that the AI was human, Tony could easily get him intoxicated.

Shit, this was so exciting.

He arrived in front of the bar, and the bartender quickly shifted his attention to her.

"So, what is your alcohol preference, cutie?"

Tony cringed at the word 'cutie'. He quickly glanced at Jarvis and tried to think of the best drink to get him started.

"I think I'll have a bucket of beer. And a bottle of vodka and gin."

The bartender's eyes went wide, but went to prepare his order anyway. "Wow, that's one large group of friends."

Tony smirked. "Yeah… group of friends." He wasn't trying to kill Jarvis; he was mostly buying the drinks for himself. Most of the bottles will be brought back to the hotel for easier access.

The bartender held his hand out. "Credit card."

"Sure thing – "

Fuck. His credit card had both his picture and name on it. Plus, he's pretty sure he left his wallet on his other pair of pants.

Whatever. Maybe putting it on his original tab would work.

Before he could tell the bartender to put it on Tony Stark's tab, a man approached him.

"Two martinis please." He stared at Tony's eyes. "Give her the other one."

"I can buy my own drinks, thank you very much – "

Wait. He was an astonishingly hot woman right now, so he was at the receiving end of this act of flirtation.

This means that this relatively okay looking average Joe would be willing to buy him free drinks.

Sure, Tony was an incredibly rich man and he can buy his own drinks, but he can't help but try to see if a lot of men will do the same thing. Stark was a womanizer back as a guy… but can he be a successful man-eater in this body?

His pride knows no bounds.

Tony smiled evilly. He was going to do an experiment.

He turned to the bartender. "Cancel all my orders. Apparently someone is willing to buy me free drinks." He hugged his chest, emphasizing his cleavage. The man's eyes became as wide as saucers.

"Hell yeah; I'm willing to buy you ALL the drinks. The name's Mike, by the way."

Tony pretended to be interested. "Toni."

Mike looked like an excited little boy, but tried hard to keep his cool. "We just came back from training the new cadets of this year."

"Oh…", Tony said, with a sarcastic tone. "You work for the military?"

Mike got her where he wanted. Women really dig military guys, well, at least according to some of his friends. He smiled at him with pride. "Yep. I've served for more than 5 years already. Pretty cool, huh?"

"Yeah… yeah that's pretty cool." Definitely not. War Machine was obviously way cooler than this guy. The man kept talking, and Tony was starting to get bored. He just kept nodding and nodding at the guy's endless rambles, trying not to show how annoyed he was getting.

Eventually, he turned towards Jarvis, who was seated on the same booth far behind him.

He was still sitting there, like well behaved little boy.

But he was not alone.

Two women were chatting with his AI, and they even bought him some drinks.

The billionaire felt a bit annoyed and slightly jealous. He was supposed to be the one who would get J drunk, not some random bitches who just happened to stumble upon him.

"Mike, I gotta go somewhere. Catch you later." He got up from his seat and left, without even looking at him. Mike felt a bit disappointed, but then again, this happened to him quite often.

He nodded after the woman left. "Yeah, sure thing." Mike got up and tried to look for Rhodey, but he couldn't find him anywhere.

Meanwhile, Tony was walking with a fast pace towards Jarvis and the girls. Before he successfully got there, he was blocked by a large, ripped guy.

"Woah, what the fuck are you doing, steroids?"

"Hi there beautiful. Wanna get a drink with me?" His hungry stare was not helping.

Tony tried to think of the appropriate words for this. This large man could easily break his neck in less than a minute, and he was going to avoid that as much as possible.

If this is what it was like being a woman, it freaking sucked. He tried to look at Jarvis, but couldn't get a good view because the steroids guy was blocking him.

He had no choice. He'll just stay with the pig and leave after a few minutes to 'go to the bathroom'.

"Okay fine, you win you disproportionate bastard. Get me two shots of vodka."

* * *

Jarvis carefully observed his master from afar. It was kind of hard to do so since he was way too far from the bar. He was very tempted to get up and join him, since he had several questions and he wanted to know more about the social structure and dynamic that existed in places like these.

He noticed a man approaching Tony. The man was smiling at her, and Jarvis noted how he carefully observed his master's body.

Jarvis knew that this was not a proper customary greeting. He felt the need to protect his creator, but he didn't know that he was actually feeling a bit jealous that Tony was happily chatting with him.

He had no idea that Tony was actually bored off his ass.

The AI was about to leave the booth, when 2 women sat on the same booth as he. He was forced to sit back down.

"Hey there", said the first woman. She had beautiful blonde locks, and was wearing a dazzling red dress. A literally dazzling red dress; Jarvis was having trouble trying to process the way it reflected light. The other woman was also blonde, but with shoulder-length straight hair. She was wearing a black baby doll dress.

"Uhh, you may have mistaken me for somebody else, ma'am." Jarvis politely replied. The both of them seemed to have drunk a lot, and the AI believes that their mental capacities are slightly impaired.

"Oh no, we're definitely not mistaken", said the one in a black dress. "We just needed a place to sit for a while."

"Almost all of them are occupied with group of friends, but it's a good thing we found one with a hot, sexy guy like you."

Jarvis nearly choked on his saliva, which was a weird human reaction. He wasn't used to getting compliments from other people other than his sir.

Both women were expecting him to come up with a flirtatious retort, since it's what men usually do. However, they were quite shocked to see him flustered.

Only very rare men react like this to their flirting, and they cannot deny how incredibly cute and adorable it was.

"Thank you for those very kind compliments, ladies. Your physical forms are aesthetically pleasing as well." Jarvis hoped he was able to deliver his reply in the normal, human way. His hands were starting to sweat. He hopes that this situation will not be a repetition of the events that happened in the strip club.

The woman in the black dress laughed. "Oh my god, is this your first time in a bar?"

Jarvis nodded meekly. He tried to find his creator, but he couldn't find him anywhere. The AI had no idea that his master was actually behind the large, bulky man that was directly in front of their booth, but about 10 m away.

"Based on the way on how proper you act and look, I think I can infer that you work in some sophisticated business", said the woman with the black dress. "The name's Annabelle, by the way. Anna for short."

"Good evening Anna", he said, and bowed slightly to her. The girls were obviously starting to love him, not just because of his physical appearance but more because of his personality.

The AI looked at the woman with the red dress, expecting her name.

"Oh", she said, finally realizing. "I'm Jen."

"Good evening as well, Jen." He bowed slightly to her, then turned to both women. "My name is Jarvis."

He enjoys normal conversations, and he would want to try to have one with people other than his master, Pepper, or the Avengers.

Jen smiled back at him. "Cute name. So what brought you here, Jarvis? I mean, you really don't look like someone who hangs out in places like these."

"Ah, yes indeed. My...", he tried to think of an appropriate noun to use for Tony, "… boss invited me to come here. He is quite fond of this place."

"Your boss sounds like a party person", replied Anna. She motioned to call a waiter, and ordered a few shots of tequila.

"Yes, he is quite attracted to activities involving alcoholic beverages. He spends most of his time in places similar to these, and successfully brings home women with him every time." He wasn't about to say that he works for Tony Stark. That was a mistake he committed in the strip club.

"Oh really?" Jen smirked. "Charming guy. I think I want to meet him."

Anna beamed, and whispered to her friend. "Hey, maybe we can make you hook up with his boss or something, because I'm tapping his ass."

Jen tried not to laugh. "Shut up, he might hear you. Besides, I found him first."

"No way. I was the one who lead you here."

While the two were whispering with each other, Jarvis focused his attention on Tony, who was with another man. This guy looked quite rich, and resembled someone Jarvis was familiar with.

It took only half a second for him to realize that Tony was chatting with Justin Hammer, CEO of Hammer industries. His eyes went wide, and his heart rate increased slowly.

The AI felt the need to save him from the man. He still remembered that incident with Ivan Vanko and the destruction of Stark Expo, and boy did this man cause their company mayhem.

However, there is a possibility that Tony was toying around with the man, since Mr. Hammer is not aware that the woman he was hitting on was no other than his much hated rival.

"Ladies, I would have to excuse – "

"Hey Jarvis, can you point me to the direction of your boss?" asked Jen. "I would very much want to meet him."

Jarvis forgot that there were women here with him, and he pointed towards the direction of Tony with confidence. He then realized that with the way he described his creator, these women would probably be expecting a high class guy, not a woman in a plaid polo and a Black Sabbath shirt.

"Wait, that's the CEO of Hammer Industries, right?"

Jarvis looked towards where he was pointing. Sure enough, it seemed like he was referring to Mr. Hammer.

"Jen, he is a rich guy. Like, a really rich guy."

Jarvis scoffed. His boss was better than this fake in every aspect.

Anna nudged her friend. "Come on, you gotta try to get his attention before he sleeps with rocker girl. This could actually lead to something big!"

The AI chuckled to himself. His master does look quite like a cute rocker girl with his chosen outfit.

"Damn Anna I know what your real goal is, so shut up", said Jen, and she glanced at Jarvis playfully. She looked back at her friend. "Fine, I'll give you a chance. I'll back though, so you better watch out."

She stood up with style and made her way to Tony and Hammer.

Anna chuckled and thanked her friend silently. She looked back at Jarvis, who was still staring at Tony.

"So, what do you do for Hammer Industries? I hear it's quite a large weapons development company."

Jarvis looked at her with ridicule. "First things first, dear, the Hammer Industries – "

Before Jarvis started his speech about how lame Stark's rival company was, a waiter came brining 6 shots of tequila. He politely nodded and placed it on their table.

"Thanks, Allan."

Allan winked at her. "Sure thing Jen."

This was the moment the AI feared. He wasn't sure if his fragile, newly created human organ systems could handle alcohol. He was hoping that this woman would finish all shots… but of course, he knew that it was highly unlikely.

"You were saying, Jarvis?"

The AI remained silent, and he gave the shot glasses a conceited glare. Was he supposed to test his new biological limits, or remain careful?

"Based on your expression right now, I'm guessing you're not much of a drinker."

"I'm not sure my human body could handle the effects of alcoholic beverages."

Anna laughed. "But this is a bar! Come on, just try one shot. One shot doesn't do much, I guarantee you."

Jarvis sighed.

He was going to make another regrettable decision.

* * *

"I swear if you start hitting on me, I will personally render you reproductively sterile."

Hammer wore a look of disappointment; a look which made him appear extremely ugly in Tony's eyes. Of all possible people who could hit on him, it just had to be this bitch. What the fuck was he doing here anyway?

So far 5 men have hit on him, and bought him drinks. Some of them were kind, others were scary (Mr. Steroids) and then there was this guy.

This guy was a fucking loser.

Hammer scoffed. "I can't believe it. Don't you recognize me? I mean, I'm pretty sure you know who I am."

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that you're supposed to be rotting in jail, where you truly belong. Not a good reputation, by the way." Tony drank his 4th shot of vodka. He's been drinking all the liquor that was offered to him, and he was starting to act more like his old self. "You still trying to create low quality weapon rip offs?"

His memory has already been fondled with, and Tony was starting to forget that he has the body of a woman. In fact, after a couple of more shots, he will have forgotten that his AI had been turned human and was still waiting for him in the booth.

His rival was starting to get annoyed. "Huh, so you are one of Stark's fanatics. Tsk. What a waste. You know, he isn't as great as you guys think."

Tony couldn't believe his ears.

"Are you seriously saying that to my face?" He downed another shot of tequila.

Hammer slightly paced backward. This girl was getting drunk. Maybe it was time to find another woman to toy with for a while. One that doesn't idolize Stark so much.

And as if on cue, a cute, blonde girl came pacing towards him. She winked at the man, then proceeded to sit on a stool a bit far from where he was.

"I'll get back to you, lady", he said, pointing at Tony. "We're going to have one long talk about your idol and I'll bet you'd hate him after that." He started to walk towards the beautiful woman in the black dress.

"When the hell did I ever hate myself?" Tony exclaimed, but Hammer was too far to hear him.

The billionaire was not in his right mind. The alcohol kicked into his systems much faster now, and it was probably a side effect of his physical change. He was still holding his shot glass, and he blindly staggered towards an empty seat in front of the bar counter.

He noted a woman on the stool beside him, and caught sight of the way her skimpy outfit was emphasizing her large butt.

"Well, hello there sexy", he slurred, in an extremely Tony Stark way. He did his signature wink, a wink which normally leads to the hot process of making out.

She looked at him with disgust. "I'm sorry, but I'm not a lesbian." The woman got up and left.

Tony's red face looked confused. "What the hell do you mean by that?! Ah, fuck!"

He hugged his stomach when he noticed a sharp pain near his abdominal area. What the hell? Did he forget to eat or something? However, this was not the same pain he felt when he was hungry.

It felt weird, and it made him feel extremely frustrated.

Apparently, due to drinking too much, he forgot that he was on his period right now. He tried hard to ignore the pain.

"Bartender", he called. "Give me a bottle of beer. Just put it on my tab."

The man's eyebrows furrowed. "You have a tab here, ma'am?"

Tony felt all kinds of pain from the cramps, and he was starting to get light-headed, so naturally he wasn't thinking straight anymore. "I've always had a tab here, Damon. How could you not recognize me? My face is on every newspaper, and not to mention there are tons of action figures made after my heroic persona. I am Ironman. I am Tony fucking Sta - "

"Just place her order on my tab."

Why do men keep buying him drinks tonight? Tony was about to bitch at the guy when it dawned on him that he knew the voice. He turned to look at the man beside him.

"What's up, Tony fucking Stark?"

* * *

Rhodey was laughing his ass off quietly when he saw that Hammer started talking to Tony.

Yes, Tony. By now he was pretty sure that this woman was definitely his best friend. It was obvious with the way she moves and how her expressions change accordingly. However, the different physical appearance really bugged him. Maybe it was because of an experiment gone wrong? He never knew what weird shit Tony was up to in his lab.

Of course, he still needed to observe some more. Rhodes was always a careful guy, and he really didn't want to make any mistakes, because it could lead him to embarrassment.

So there he was in another booth, enjoying Hammer's bewildered face. He looked like he'd just been slapped by his mom.

The Colonel couldn't hear what the two were talking about, but he was mostly sure that it was about the billionaire.

Rhodes saw that Hammer was interested in another girl. The businessman left Tony, and the latter went to sit on one of the stools in front of the counter.

Rhodes was very tempted to approach him now, but he still needed one last piece of evidence that would be the definite proof that his theory was true.

He noticed that Tony flirted with a sexy bombshell, and he was pretty sure he heard her say 'I'm not lesbian.'

Okay, that was proof enough. Rhodes started to walk towards him.

By the time he was directly behind her, he heard him ranting.

"…and not to mention there are tons of action figures made after my heroic persona. I am Ironman. I am Tony fucking Sta - "

There it was. The definite proof he needed.

Rhodey sat next to him. "Just place her order on my tab."

When Tony turned to face him, Rhodey closely inspected his face. Holy shit, this woman could pass off as Tony's sister and no one would doubt it.

He smirked. "What's up, Tony fucking Stark?"

"Oh thank god you're here platypus", said the former man. He didn't even acknowledge the Colonel's awareness towards the sex change, and treated the situation as if everything was normal. "Please explain to baldy here that I indeed have a tab in this bar." Tony paused for a while, then ranted some more.

"And since when did you get a tab for this place?"

Rhodey pretended not to notice the change of sex. He knew how much alcohol this guy just downed since he's been stalking him for an hour now, so he can pretty much assume that Tony was going to forget about all of this tomorrow.

"Ever since I started coming here as well", he said, and gestured Damon to leave them alone for a while. The bartender nodded and left the two a bottle of beer.

"How dare you invade my bar."

"Since when did this become your bar?"

"Since I started coming here. I was the one who introduced you to the place so you have no right to come here without me. Or are you telling me that you've hired another wingman?"

Rhodey wore a disgusted expression. "You are a lame wingman, Tony. In fact, you are the worst. All girls end up sleeping with you, for your information."

The woman smirked. "It's not my fault I'm that hot. You should really work harder on your part, thank you very much."

Damn, this woman was undoubtedly Tony.

Tony motioned to grab the bottle, but Rhodey caught it first. He wasn't going to let this man get any more alcohol into his system.

"That's enough alcohol for the night Tony. You'll die by the time you finish this one."

The former man grabbed the bottle from him, opened it and took a few gulps of beer.

So much for not getting any more alcohol into him.

"I do what I want, sourpatch."

The Colonel was quite shocked to realize that he was actually okay with this situation. It's like everything was normal between the two of them.

"Ouch… Fuck." Tony hugged his abdomen once more.

"You okay? You don't look too good."

"What are you talking about? I always look good." He started to chug his beer again, but Rhodey prevented him from doing so.

He looked at him straight in the eyes. "I'm serious Tony. You don't look well."

Tony felt another muscle cramp, and he looked quite pale.

He shrugged weakly. "I feel like there's a stray bullet messing up my insides."

Rhodes smiled slightly. "Like what, cramps from a period or something?" He laughed at his joke, since he was subtly trying to let Tony realize his situation. He did not notice the horrified expression on his best friend's face. The billionaire gulped, finally getting his head a bit cleared up.

His body was starting to feel hot.

"Goddammit Tony I really can't imagine you menstruating! You'll probably a total pain in the ass… as you usually are of course, but around 10x much worse… " The man turned to look at his reaction, but was shocked to see how red he had gotten.

"Tony?"

The former man took the bottle consumed all the beer in the bottle. He wiped his mouth using polo sleeves. Tony closed his eyes when he felt liquid slowly coming out from his reproductive organ.

"Fuck."

Then he fainted.

* * *

Jarvis had no idea as to how Anna ended up on his lap, making out with him.

This was probably the 5th woman who kissed him this fiercely. It started with a couple of shots, but the more he drank, the more he couldn't think straight.

He found himself muted by the alcohol, because ever since the 3rd shot took effect, he has been as quiet as a nerd in a library. The last two shots made him feel somewhat sleepy and tired.

Due to how busy he was with the woman, he was not able to spot Colonel Rhodes frantically carrying Tony bridal style towards the exit.

Anna let go of his lips and breathed heavily. Jarvis' heart rate has rapidly increased, mostly due to the alcohol and long periods of not breathing.

He was still subtly in control of himself, which is why he has been silent this entire time. If he were to open his mouth right now, he would be spewing out programming codes and other secrets Tony made him download throughout his artificial life.

Anna was more than thrilled at the turn of events. She had no idea that this adorable man could kiss so good. Good thing she didn't know how much Jarvis had practiced kissing with a bunch of strippers.

The AI was starting to feel woozy.

"I… I think I need a bed…" he muttered softly. All Anna heard was 'bed'. She smiled sexily.

"Sure thing hon, let's take this to the bed. My apartment is just across from here, so it's easily accessible." She got up and wore her hand bag.

By this time, Jarvis was only half conscious.

"That's very convenient", he said, not actually knowing what Anna was referring to.

* * *

 **Author's note:** Oh no, they've been separated again! D:

Hey guys! Things have gotten a bit more chill here; apparently my brother doesn't want me to lose my trust in him, so he respected my decision to keep this fanfic from him. I'm pretty thankful for that too.

You see, I have a reputation of an innocent, goody-two-shoes daughter, so it would be a disaster if they knew what my mind was actually filled with.

By the way, thank you so much for the reviews/comments! You don't know how happy it makes me to get comment notifications from my email ; v ; )/

The next chapter involves them waking up separately. I'm pretty excited to write it /vIBRATES

Next chapter will be up on Thursday next week; still gotta finish all my drawing commissions/trades, plus I need to deal with my thesis soon.

THANK YOU SO MUCH GUYs 3


	12. The Morning After

Jarvis woke up with a massive headache.

The last thing he remembers was taking the 3rd shot of alcoholic beverage, and looking at Anna's eager face.

After that, everything became a blur.

The man stirred quietly, and tried to adjust to his surroundings. The sun was up, as implied by the bright light peeking from the window curtains. He was able to note that he was lying down on his bed, but it wasn't as comfortable and soft as it used to be…

Wait a minute.

This wasn't his bed.

"Oh dear", he mouthed, as he sat up quickly… Which was a wrong move, since his headache got even worse after that.

The first thing he asked himself was, "Where could sir be?" and the follow up question was, "Where am I?"

The bed sheets were red, and the room was decorated with a lot of light blue things. The ceiling and walls were light blue, the drawers were also a different shade of light blue, and the AI could name at least 15 other things with the same color accent.

"So the sleepy head finally wakes."

Jarvis turned his head to the source of the voice.

Anna was standing by the doorway, with her arms folded across her chest. She was wearing black lingerie, which looked pretty good on her.

What really bugged Jarvis was her annoyed tone of voice, and her frustrated yet angry expression.

"Is something the matter, Anna?" Jarvis asked, and winced a bit when he felt his head throbbing.

"Is something the matter?... Oh my god."

Anna stomped angrily towards him, and this was the first time Jarvis sensed hostility from another person besides Agent Romanov.

"First you turn me on, then you suggest we get into bed…", Anna took a deep breath, "So I was like, 'sure, why not?', because I was expecting some hardcore sex from you!"

Anna wasn't used to being rejected by guys, so Jarvis sleeping on her pretty much shattered her pride. She was so not going to tell this to Jen. What's even worse was that he occupied the whole damn bed, forcing her to sleep on the lumpy couch found downstairs. This was so fucking embarrassing.

The AI's eyes widened and his head ached even more. He couldn't believe his ears.

"S-sex?" Wow, he was stuttering. That was a first. "Well I… I had no idea that intercourse was your intention of coming to bed. After all, this structure's main use is for resting the human body, so I quickly assumed that you wanted to sleep a-as well."

Jarvis tried to think back. When did she imply intercourse? They were just talking normally, right?

Oh. She probably asked for it when he was blacked-out. Alcohol is indeed a dangerous compound.

The tension that was emanating from her was really nerve-wrecking for someone who was not used to being yelled out before. How could he get out of the situation without making a fool of himself?

"Get out."

"By all means." He tried so hard not to look at her directly, and he quickly put on his shoes. Jarvis got up, and exited the room while avoiding eye contact.

* * *

Tony, like his AI, also woke up with a headache.

"Fuck", he muttered silently. He sat up, still with both eyes closed.

"Jarvis! Get me some aspirin!"

Tony felt another surge of liquid pouring down, and he cursed some more. He somehow momentarily has forgotten about the fact that he was still on his period.

"Shit." He opened his eyes, and adjusted to the brightness.

Wait a fucking second.

This wasn't the hotel room. And why was he wearing only his underwear?

The billionaire look puzzled. He tried to recall the events of yesterday, but he only remembered everything that happened before talking to Hammer. All the rest was blurry.

Wait, he couldn't have…

Did he have sex with Hammer?!

He quickly discarded the thought when he felt the liquid on his pad. No sane man would fuck with a girl on her period. Even Hammer wasn't that insane enough.

Tony stood up, and inspected his surroundings. This place was somehow familiar… He's been here before…

Oh shit.

He was in Rhodey's bachelor pad.

"Shit, how the fuck did I get here?!" His headache worsened and he rushed to the bathroom to puke in the toilet. After a few rounds, he breathed heavily and groaned at the weird feeling on his vagina. His pad was hella full, so he needed to change right this instant.

"Ah fuck."

* * *

Rhodey was awakened by the loud curse of a certain woman upstairs. He groaned at the back pain he gained from sleeping on his couch, and sat up.

Time for some aspirin.

He was always the source of Tony's aspirin, even when they were still students back at MIT. But the man wasn't always grateful for it.

Rhodey wore his shirt and ingested a few pills. He kept some in case Tony needed them too, and brought with him a glass of water. He then went upstairs to check up on him.

Hopefully his fever had gone down. He spent most of the night trying to cool him down by using a cold, wet cloth. When he removed Tony's clothes, which was a weirdly repulsive experience for him, he can't help but be amazed at how the Tony turned himself into a girl.

He also found another proof that the woman was indeed his best friend. In her chest area, there was a weirdly shaped scar, which was where his arc reactor used to be.

When he arrived at his room, Rhodey opened the door without hesitation, and heard the sound of a woman puking.

He immediately paced towards the bathroom.

"Shit!" he exclaimed when he saw the messy floor. Apparently Tony wasn't able to direct all vomit to the toilet bowl.

"Dammit Tony, you're going to clog my toilet!"

The billionaire was frankly quite shocked to realize that Rhodey knew his true identity. Looks like his list of people in the order of 'who was most likely to find out first' was correct.

"For the record, I am not Tony", he started, trying his best to save his reputation. He looked like a freaking loser. "My name's Ann, and I just happened to come in here 'coz I was fucking drunk."

"Well, _Ann_ , you are going to clean this all up once you clean yourself. Especially the toilet. I do not want to have a clogged toilet."

Tony groaned and rubbed his temples. This headache was getting worse, even more so since Rhodey was right here, looking at this low point in his life.

Rhodes kneeled down to get to his eye level. "Need an aspirin?"

"Hell yeah."

Rhodey handed him the glass and gave him the pills. Tony quickly ingested the pills.

The Colonel smiled a bit. It has been a long time since he and Tony were in this particular situation. Back when they were students, this was their morning routine.

"So Ann, where did you come from?" Rhodes decided to play along for a while.

"Cut the crap Rhodey, I know you know it's me."

The Colonel summoned all of his willpower to control himself from slapping his best friend.

"Well fuck you too."

Tony smiled and laughed a bit. This was a really nostalgic moment for him, if it wasn't for the sex change and the annoying feeling of liquid on his vagina.

"Fix yourself up, Stark, because we are going to have one long talk about this… this thing you got going."

"Whatever mom." Tony ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. "Rhodes."

"Yeah?"

"Have you seen a tall, white, blonde guy following me around in the bar?"

The Colonel tried to think back a bit. "Nope. When I started following your trail, it was all you trying to flirt with different men. I see your tastes have changed as well."

"Fuck you." Tony groaned. Where the hell was Jarvis, then? It disappointed him a bit that his AI didn't look out for him like he was supposed to.

"Rhodey, you know I love you, right?"

"Of course." Rhodey smirked at him. "What the hell do you want from me this time?"

The billionaire stared at the puke in the toilet, avoiding eye contact with his friend. "I need a phone. There's someone I gotta contact."

"Sure thing." He stood up to get the phone.

"Wait, I got an additional favor to ask."

"This better be the last one."

The former man pouted and shrugged. "It's no biggie, man. I just need you to buy me some pads."

* * *

Jarvis frowned at the street.

He definitely did not remember how he was able to transfer from the bar to the building just across it. There was not even a hint of a memory of him walking down across this street.

The AI wasn't used to having memory gaps. He was an advanced program, but somehow the alcohol was able to compromise even the most versatile artificial intelligence.

The ringing phone in his pocket brought him back to reality. Ever since he became human, he's been having frequent internal monologues.

He took it and answered right away. "Sir?"

"Where the hell are you Jarvis." It sounded more like a command than a question.

"I'm right across the bar we went to sir."

"Why."

"I don't know, sir."

Tony sighed through the phone. Jarvis was getting nervous, since Tony had never been mad at him before.

"Okay we are going to talk about this later. I need you to get some stuff for me."

"Of course sir. What is it you want me to get for you?"

"You know how to get to Rhodey's place, right?"

Jarvis tried to scan his brain for information. "Yes sir. I still have all the details of how to get to his pad."

"Good. I think he's in a convenience store somewhere near here, so I need you to tell him how to buy pads."

"Sir?"

"I'll fill you with the details later. But now, you gotta stop him from buying the wrong brand. He might buy tampons without knowing too, so we need to avoid that." He paused. "Plus, I need you to buy additional stuff. Just borrow money from him."

"Of course sir. I'll be on my way."

* * *

Rhodey stared at the numerous brands of pads that were lined at the shelf.

"Wow, I didn't know there were this many different kinds", he muttered to himself. Several women who had passed by were smiling at him, because it was not every day that you see a guy buy pads for a girlfriend or sister.

The Colonel was about to call Tony when he realized that he didn't have his phone with him.

"Ah whatever. All of these work the same damn way anyway." He pointed his finger at the one with the green pack. "Eenie, meenie, miny - "

"Sir prefers that brand, Colonel Rhodes", said a voice that sounded so much like Jarvis.

The man jumped slightly and immediately turned to look at the person behind him. He saw a tall, blonde man who was smiling politely.

"Dude, not cool. Please don't creep up on me." His usual soldier reflex was to punch the man in the nose, but good thing he knew how to control himself.

Rhodey was freaked. Did Tony steal this man's voice and use it for his AI? They sounded so eerily similar.

"I'm very sorry Colonel. I didn't mean to startle you", said the man. The guy took 2 packs of pads from the shelf.

"Huh. Okay." Rhodey was still pretty freaked. This man did not just sound like Jarvis; he acted almost the same way as the AI…

The guy handed him the 2 packs of pads he took, and comfortably talked to him as if they knew each other for a long time already. "According to the statistics I have gathered online, the material found within the structure is most effective since it has the highest absorption capabilities."

Jarvis closely inspected the other brands in the shelf. "It also smells good, at least according to Master Stark."

Did… did he just say…

Crap.

Rhodey inhaled deeply and refused to let it out. He closed his eyes, and he felt his head starting to throb.

"Goddamit Tony", he muttered under his breath.

This was an unpleasant surprise… He was going to kill Tony once he gets back.

The AI frowned a bit in confusion. "Are you alright, Master Rhodes?"

Holy shit. He sounded even more like Jarvis when now since he was closing his eyes and thinking about the AI.

Rhodey opened his eyes again and closely inspected the man, who was undoubtedly Tony's robot assistant.

The first thing that came into his head was how Jarvis could pass off for a model, considering his height, body structure, and looks. What was even more eerie was that this was exactly how Rhodes pictured the AI if he were human; very pale, blonde, and sarcastically British.

"Jarvis?"

"Oh yes, I may have forgotten to introduce myself." He held out his hand, expecting a handshake. "I am Master Stark's artificial intelligence, Jarvis." He paused and thought of what else to say. "It's quite nice to meet you in the flesh, Colonel Rhodes."

"Yeah… literally…" The astonished man shook his hand and stared unbelievingly at him.

"I take it that this information may be a lot to take in, sir?"

"My mind is overloading right now. Shit." He reached out, and tried to push through his chest, trying to feel something hard or cold as metal.

"Is this some kind of robot body that Tony made for you?"

"No sir. It's purely organic."

The Colonel was still touching the AI's body, but he let go of it immediately when he noticed several people staring.

"Uhh, Jarvis come on we need to pay for this pads." He blushed since he just realized what he had done. Damn, they really needed to get out of all the staring eyes.

They paced a bit around the convenience store, and then stopped when they reached the far corner, near the dairy section.

"Okay so let me try to see if I still get everything…" Rhodey rubbed the bridge of his nose. "First – Tony disappeared all of a sudden, and you – the AI – stopped responding to everyone in the tower."

Jarvis' eyes widened. "I hope it didn't become a problem."

"Shh, we'll get to that later. Second – Tony is a fucking woman." Rhodey inhaled deeply. "And third – the robot is now a real boy… Am I missing anything?"

"You did an excellent job at summing up the events sir. However, you may have missed the fact that Master Stark had intercourse with the god of mischief."

"Tony had sex with a god?"

"Yes sir. He had sex with Loki Laufeyson."

This time, Rhodey smiled in frustration. He was too tired to look stressed.

"Of course he would have sex with Loki."

"The peculiar thing was sir has developed memory gaps and has failed to recall the process. However, based on what I have observed, it is highly likely that Loki has sir him into a trance and manipulated him into performing copulation."

Rhodey sighed heavily. What the fuck was he going to do with Tony?

"Well at least he didn't try anything dangerous… were there any side effects? I mean, having sex with a magical being…"

Jarvis pointed at himself. "As you can see, I am currently a functional human being when in truth I am supposed to be an intangible intelligence. Also, Mr. Stark's Y chromosome is now an X."

Rhodey tried to get the last part. "So you're telling me that all these changes happened because Tony had sex with Loki?"

"Unfortunately so."

"Wow."

The man paced around the dairy lane of the convenience store; trying to think of what he should do with the information he just received.

"What the hell have you done, Tony?" He muttered to himself. They were going to have a very serious talk about this. Jarvis appeared from the far end of the lane, and calmly approached him.

"Oh, I almost forgot to tell you sir, Mr. Stark would want to add to his list of things to buy."

"Uhh… sure." Damn, he was going to have to get used to Jarvis being a living, breathing organism. "What else does he need?"

"It's a long list of peculiar things, Colonel. Even I do not know what to make of any of it."

* * *

Tony was still stuck in the bathroom, contemplating about his life since he had nothing better to do anyway.

Now that he was a woman, there was no way he could go as himself to the jewel auction later. He had to think of another elaborate plan that could include himself in the mission.

He was pretty sure that Fury and Steve had already thought of something elaborate.

Of course, he was going to make the most epic entrance he could ever think of, just to emphasize his importance in the mission.

A loud bang from below interrupted him and his thoughts.

"Tony!"

Rhodey went up the stairs in a hurry, and threw him the pack of pads. The pack hit the back of his head.

"Nice throw."

Rhodey ignored him. "You didn't tell me that you had sex with Loki! For fuck's sake man, he's the same guy that destroyed New York!"

Tony opened the pack. "Jarvis did you tell on me?"

"He asked questions, sir, so I merely answered." The tall man appeared behind Rhodey, and Tony can't explain why he felt relieved when he saw his AI's face. He was getting more and more used to Jarvis' human form.

"You know what, fix yourself up first young lady. We are going to fucking talk about this."

Fuck. Tony hated it when Rhodey used his mom voice. It was almost as worse as Steve's.

* * *

The three of them were lounging in Rhodey's kitchen. The Colonel was currently whipping up some breakfast for them while interrogating his best friend. Both the master and creation were comfortably seated on chairs in front of the dining table.

"Why in the world would you want to have sex with Loki anyway?"

"Excuse me; I did not WANT to have sex with him. He probably used his magic voodoo to take control of my body or something."

"Okay, so maybe that event wasn't entirely your fault…", Rhodey paused, and flipped the egg he was frying with much focus. "But withholding this information from Captain and the others is dangerous."

"I agree with the Colonel on this fact", Jarvis said, wanting to be part of this conversation.

Tony squinted at him. "Whose side are you on?"

"On the side of your well being, sir."

Tony squinted at him even more. Rhodey chuckled, and prepared to fry bacon. "I am serious though, Tony. You need to call the Avengers and tell them about you being a girl and Jarvis being a person."

"That… that would create an extremely disturbing atmosphere…" He was referring to his encounter with Steve and Clint. Shit, it's going to be extremely awkward if they knew about this.

The Colonel scoffed. "I don't think they would change their opinions about you just because you're female now. I mean, you're still a fully functioning asshole."

Unsurprisingly, Jarvis earnestly nodded at this. Tony rolled his eyes.

"I know you care for me but please, I can handle this. I will tell them when I'm ready. Besides, I have a plan."

Jarvis' eyebrows shot up. "Does this involve the mission you were scheduled to do today, sir?"

"Yep." Tony leaned forward, getting serious.

"See, my role was to constantly outbid every single person who would try for the jewel. Now that I'm an entirely different person, I could help them out by doing the same damn thing. Besides, I don't know anyone rich enough to replace me, so they're probably going to use Pepper or have Banner wear a rich man disguise and use my money."

The AI nodded. "I think that plan would guarantee the retrieval of the jewel, sir."

Tony faced Rhodey. "See? I carefully thought of this, sourpatch. Also, I asked Thor to find Loki for me, so the plan is absolutely foolproof."

"Thor? The thunder god?"

"No, I was referring to Thor, the 12 year old kid from the suburbs with the awesome skateboard."

The Colonel again, resisted the urge to throw burning bacon on Tony's face.

"While I continue on with the mission, Thor would be busy looking for his shit brother. I gave him a tracking device yesterday, so by the time I finish the auction, he would've found the li'l bitch. We force him to turn me back into a guy, and the problem is solved."

"And Jarvis?" asked the Colonel. He was now giving them plates filled with their breakfast. The man sat down with them and started to eat.

"That depends on him, actually." Tony turned to his AI who looked confused.

The former man gave him a small smile. Sure, he has bonded with Jarvis so many times back when everything was still normal. They tend to do smart, sarcastic banters back in the lab and in the workshop, but they've never tried hanging out this way before. Now that the AI was human, Tony is able to take him to places he'd never been to, physically.

Plus, if he was going to have Jarvis turned back into a program, he will miss the way he made even the faintest facial expressions. He especially loved it when the AI's eyebrows would furrow whenever he frustrates the ever-patient being.

"I… I think I enjoy the addition of functional senses, sir. However, I cannot serve you as efficiently as I did in my previous form. If you wish for me to revert back to - "

"Oh god no, J. I want you to be happy okay. I don't want you constantly thinking about my happiness, health, and well-being."

"But sir, I am programmed to - "

"Shut up. You are not a program, Jarvis. You are a sentient being; a being with genuine goals, relationships and emotions."

"I do not have human emotions, sir."

"Says the guy who made out with like, 5 strippers."

Jarvis blushed uncontrollably, which made him look like a tomato since his skin was unbelievably pale. Rhodey was truly shocked to see him this flustered, and he let out a laugh.

"Holy shit, you weren't kidding Tony. Your AI has evolved big time."

Tony smiled even more. The blushing was another feature he would miss if ever Jarvis were to revert back.

"In my defense, it was not my choice", he said, in a clearly frustrated voice.

Tony rolled his eyes. "Whatever, lover boy." He shot him a smug smile. "And don't think that I've forgotten about your disappearance last night. Where the fuck did you go?"

Jarvis swallowed hard. He didn't know why; it was probably a human reflex action.

"A woman approached me last night, and I recall her getting me intoxicated."

Tony did a double take. "Wait, you were drunk last night? How did your body take it?"

The AI nodded sheepishly. "It was not a pleasurable experience, and I seemed to suffer from constant throbbing in my cranial area. However, it subsided just a while ago."

Jarvis scratched the back of his neck, and tried to remember some bits and pieces of last night. "I may have ingested enough alcohol to cause a memory loss, causing me to be clueless on how I was able to relocate from the bar to her apartment."

The billionaire's mouth was wide open, and Rhodey's eyes went wide.

"You… you got into her apartment?" asked the Colonel.

"It was peculiar, but yes, somehow I was able to command my body to traverse the distance."

A frown started forming on Tony's face. "Wait, wait, are you telling me that she invited you to bed?"

Jarvis shook his head. "As I said sir, I cannot recall much of what happened last night."

"But did you sleep with her?" asked Rhodes. He completely forgot about his eggs and bacon.

"No. I think it was because I occupied her bed, she was forced to sleep somewhere else. She seemed agitated about it as well."

"So you literally just slept on her bed? No bed time boogie woogie?" Tony asked.

"Is there a figurative way to sleep, sir?"

Tony laughed, both due to amusement and relief. So his AI still remains a virgin. "Holy shit J. That is the worst thing you could do to a woman or to any person, in general."

Rhodey nodded. "Yeah, you're lucky to get out alive. I mean, people usually go to bars to find someone to get laid with, then you just sleep in her apartment? That is just unforgivable."

"She commanded me to leave her premises, which made it convenient for me to exit without further tension." Jarvis played around with his egg using the fork.

Tony could not believe that his AI, his very own Jarvis, nearly had sex last night. From now on, he was going to keep a close eye on all the people near him. He can't blame the girls though; with his physique, a lot of people would want to nail him.

Rhodey stared at the way Jarvis was playing around with the food he made. "Have you tried eating, Jarvis?"

"Yeah he knows how. I did an Eating 101 tutorial yesterday."

Jarvis picked up the bacon with his fork. "I assume this doesn't taste like either shawarma or ice cream."

"Just try it, J."

Jarvis carefully chewed the bacon, and immediately wore the look of amazement.

"I think I like this. It's really good… it tastes really incredible." The tall man took another bite, and was clearly enjoying himself.

"Of course it tastes incredible; it's freaking bacon." The Colonel grinned, since it's not everyday that you have an artificial intelligence compliment your cooking.

The AI stared at Tony's plate, obviously eyeing the bacon.

"No, no no no no you have your own bacon J I absolutely forbid you to take mine."

* * *

After the trio ate their breakfast, Rhodey taught Jarvis how to properly wash the dishes without using the dishwasher. Jarvis felt that he was useful again for the first time since his transformation. The feeling of water gushing on his hands amazed him, but he felt disgusted whenever he needed to touch wet egg or bacon. This was the only downside to given chore.

Tony and Rhodes were relaxing in the living room, trying to think of what to do next.

"Rhodes, did you buy stuff from the list I gave Jarvis?"

"Oh yeah, it's all in the kitchen. What the hell wee those anyway? It looked like a mom's grocery list." Rhodey looked at him with a confused look. "I mean, what in the world do you intend to do with soy sauce, vinegar, perfume, salt, an airhorn, and mothballs? And that's not even the entire list yet."

"It's for something useful, I guarantee you." Tony lowered his head, then looked back at him with pleading eyes.

"Dude… you know that I hate it when you do that. Seriously, stop the puppy dog eyes. I don't even want to know what you want from me."

"I have two last favors."

"Dammit, Tony."

"Oh come on, I swear it's for the greater good! Mr. Military soldier boy always does his soldier thing for the greater good, right?"

"That's not going to force me to do anything crazy, though."

Tony shook his head. "Come on, it's simple. I just need you to fetch my suit."

The Colonel stared at him as if the billionaire grew a new head. "What?!"

"You heard me."

"What the fuck are you going to do with your Ironman suit?"

"It's for the mission later. I was able to modify one of the suits to fit me in this new body, but I left it at the workshop."

"I don't see why you would need a suit for the auction. Your part involves bidding, not combat."

Tony sighed. "In case you're forgetting, platypus, Loki's still on the loose. I just have to be careful in case anything weird happens."

Rhodey crossed his arms and stared through him.

"Don't give me that look." Tony really hated it when Rhodes silently judged him.

"So you expect me to just walk into the Avengers and grab one of your suits?"

"It's in the form of a portable suitcase. Just tell them that I asked you to do a test drive with it a week ago."

The Colonel rested his head on his palms. "Ughhh I swear Tony, if anything goes wrong - "

"It won't, I swear. Just trust me." Tony tried to give him his best, 'you can trust me' smile, but Rhodey only frowned some more. This was the same damn smile that preceded disasters.

The man sighed again. Wow, he had lost track of how many sighs he'd given out.

"Okay fine, but I won't do it unless you clean up the mess you made in my bathroom upstairs."

The billionaire looked offended. "Me? Clean a comfort room?"

"Yes."

Tony still looked offended. "Fine, fine, leave your bathroom to me."

Rhodey smiled. "Awesome. Oh, what's the other favor? I remembered you asked for two."

Tony grinned. "This one is easier. Remember the stuff you just bought?"

"The groceries?"

"Yeah. I need you to use those items and teach Jarvis the basics about the 5 human senses."

* * *

 **Author's note:** This is one long chapter!

Thank you guys for still staying by my side~ I still try really hard to keep updating every Thursday. For the following weeks, I might get a bit more busy since I was offered a part time job in my school, plus there are some stuff I need to do for my thesis.

I'm really getting excited for the next chapters though, especially the mission hAHAA

Next chapter: Rhodey-Jarvis bonding and more Tony/Jarvis moments hehehe.


	13. Preparations

"Since Tony already did an Eating 101, I'm going to do the Basic Human Senses 101 lesson."

Both Rhodey and Jarvis were in the living room, and all the stuff that the billionaire had them buy were displayed on the table.

"Has sir asked you to do this for me? I am quite honored to have to learn this from you, Colonel."

Rhodey chuckled. "Actually it is my honor, Jarvis. I mean, you've always been there protecting our backs during battles."

The soldier smiled at the ground, wondering what would've become of Tony and the Avengers if Jarvis had never been made. They would probably crash and burn more often than usual.

"Although, I am not sure why Tony would want you to learn all of this. I mean, if you are a human for long enough, you'll pretty much get the hang of it."

Jarvis looked at him thoughtfully. "Maybe it has something to do with the expected event later on."

The soldier thought about it a bit, and nodded. Tony must be prepping up Jarvis for whatever he was planning for later. He sighed.

"Okay so let's start."

But before they did, they heard footsteps coming from the room above.

"Rhodey!"

"What?!"

The former man was holding up a plunger, and looked quite disturbed and disgusted. He was wearing the same Black Sabbath shirt he wore last night, and a pair of pajamas that Rhodes barely used.

"It's impossible for me to clog the toilet with vomit. Vomit is as smooth as shit from loose bowel movement, and that could easily be flushed. In other words, it only clogged because you bought a shitty toilet, and this whole mess isn't my fault."

"It was working perfectly fine before you threw up in it", he said, with a smirking face. "Clogging is probably because of the buildup of food particles through the years... You're not the only drunk person who has come to my house, you know."

Tony made a disgusted face. "Then why am I the one cleaning your damn toilet?"

"Because you're the one who fucking clogged my damn toilet."

The billionaire hated pointless conversations, so he gave up, and tried to think of another way to save his dignity. Maybe if he feigned ignorance…

"You know I am heavily inexperienced with cleaning lavatories…" He held up the plunger ad waved it around. "How in the shit do I unclog the toilet with this?"

"Are you telling me that you, a physics genius, do not know how to use a simple plunger?"

Tony sighed. Somehow, this guy could manipulate the genius to an extent.

The man formed a scowl on his face, admitting defeat. "Fair enough." He then left with a heavy heart.

The Colonel smiled to himself. It wasn't every day that he would win an argument against Tony.

"Okay where were we? Oh yeah, I think we should start with the sense of taste first." He turned towards Jarvis. "I'm sure you're already adept at using sight and hearing?"

The man nodded. "Yes sir. It was among the first senses that were triggered by my human brain." He remembered the moment he woke up in the dark park, in front of two young ladies. It was a terrifying experience for him, mainly because he was overwhelmed by all the new data that were gathered due to the sense of touch.

"Among all 5, the sense of touch intrigued me the most", he stated in a serious manner. "The grass blades I was lying on were… sharp… am I using the accurate term?"

Rhodey was amazed. He kept forgetting that this was no regular man; this was an intangible program that suddenly gained arms and legs. "Yeah, yeah you're using the word correctly. Wow, how did you know that it felt sharp? You've never actually felt anything before, right?"

"Yes, but I am making an effort to cope. I matched to the description that was available in the multiple dictionaries sir had installed in me."

"Wow… that's… that's pretty amazing." Rhodey had to remind himself that Jarvis was not the usual kind of artificial intelligence.

"It is what I do with most of the new data being inputted into my human brain, so I think I can quite grasp whatever lesson you are about to teach me, Colonel."

Rhodey smirked. "With you being smart and all, this will be a breeze."

He took one of the grocery bags that were displayed, and tried to find something good to start with. A bottle of vinegar was what caught his eye.

"Alright so I'm going to make you identify different tastes starting with vinegar. Wait here for a moment."

The man got up and took a spoon from his kitchen. He tossed it over to Jarvis, who caught it in midair.

"Nice reflexes you got there, it'll come in handy someday." Rhodey pointed at the spoon. "Use the spoon to get a few drops of vinegar from the bottle, and tell me what it tastes like."

Jarvis raised a brow, but did what he was told to. When he got the spoonful, he turned to Rhodes who was now sitting beside him.

"Should I ingest this, Colonel?"

"Yep."

He swallowed a bit of saliva before putting the spoon in his mouth.

Rhodey started to laugh when he saw how the serious face morph into different expressions at once. Jarvis was obviously unprepared for sourness. The AI even shivered a bit as he swallowed the liquid, and remained shivering after.

He nearly uttered a human curse, and he still wore an expression of confusion and bewilderment. "That… that was an excessively distressing event. I believe I do not like the sour taste."

Rhodey was still laughing like a donkey, and this pretty much intrigued Tony who hated it when people had fun without him.

"What's going on?" he came down rushing with a wet towel on one hand and a plunger in the other.

"You should make Jarvis taste some vinegar more often."

"I absolutely do not agree to that", said the AI in a panicked tone. The sour taste was still lingering on his tongue and it was not enjoyable at all.

Tony smirked at his creation. He looked so adorable whenever he was flustered. "Noted. And Rhodes, you have got to call me when you give him the spicy food."

"Roger that, Stark."

Tony smiled at them. It was quite refreshing to have human Jarvis interact with Rhodes, who has been his best friend for a really long time now. Two of his best buddies, hanging out together… this was really new to him.

After observing the duo, Tony went back to the lavatory in Rhodes' bedroom. He was nearly done – the only thing left to do was to wipe dry both the toilet and the floors.

"Mom is going to be so proud of me", he muttered to himself.

He carefully wiped the floors with a dry cloth, and carefully maneuvered his legs and knees so as to avoid getting his pajamas wet. After the drying the floor, the wiped the toilet quickly.

Once he was done, he wiped the sweat of his brow using the sleeves of his polo.

"Fucking finally."

He left the lavatory, and used the towel that Rhodey gave him to dry his wet hands. The man also noticed that it was quite hot, even though the air-conditioner was functional. It was probably because he had to work hard and exercise the muscles of his new body.

So, to solve his problem, Tony took off his shirt, and was now donning just a bra and pajamas.

He gave out a breath of relief when he felt the cold air against his skin. "This feels much better."

Now that everything is settled, it was time to start with the plan.

"Where the hell did Rhodey put his laptop…"

Tony went to the only table in the room, and sure enough, there was a laptop bag underneath it. He took it out and booted it up.

Using the cheap gadget (it was really expensive, but the specs were pretty cheap to Tony's eyes) he hacked into the servers in charge of the big auction that was going to happen tonight.

There was a large number of people invited, and all of them were business owners, art addicts, and other rich people who would most likely spend a lot of money on artifacts put up for auction. This was set up as a charity auction for a large group of people who were affected by a storm, but Tony knew that the real reason behind this façade was the Somnium Jewel.

The people invited have been informed that this was the main event for the night. It had powers, at least according to some geologists, that were enough to provide energy to a country the size of America for more than 50 years.

Of course, the business owners would eye it like how a tiger eyes its prey. Collectors would get greedy and would want to acquire the artifact only for the sake of their reputation and appearance.

But no one knew the actual magic the jewel possessed. Only the Avengers were notified by Thor that it came from some other magical realm.

"How in the fuck did they get their hands on that?" asked the man. He was comfortably lying on the bed, with large pillows behind him. Tony was definitely enjoying wearing just a bra on his upper torso. It made him feel kind of sexy.

Tony scrolled down several times. The list of invited people was pretty long; there could be at least a hundred people attending later. Extracting the jewel of interest would be really challenging if it were to be done in secret…

Hold up.

The man scrolled back up, since a few names have caught his attention.

Among the people who were invited were a certain Steve Rogers and Bruce Banner. Next to those names were Natalie Romano and Clint Barlageu, who Tony could only assume were Black Widow and Hawkeye's undercover names. After Mr. Barlageu was the name Thor Odinson.

"They invited the fucking god of thunder?!" thought the billionaire.

The former man rubbed his temples. How in the hell did they get in the list? He scrolled up even more to search for his name.

Sure enough, his name was listed among the VIP's.

"I'm still in, apparently…", said Tony. "but how in the fuck did Rogers and company get a place in the list? I thought this was some undercover thing."

The man stared at the ceiling and tried to think of a possible reason… Maybe it was Fury's idea to get them in.

"Okay enough of that." Tony straightened his back and went back to being serious.

Using his exceptional skills in technology, Tony added a new name to the list. If Fury could add the Avengers and get away with it, why can't he?

While doing so, he was able to erase any tracks of him hacking the invitations list, making sure that it will come off as legit and both he and Jarvis could easily infiltrate the place.

Once they are able to get in, he was going to start with his plan.

His plan was just really, really simple. As a woman, he would bid excessively against competitors who would want the jewel. He was still going to use his own money anyway; after all, he was still the one and only Tony Stark.

Once the jewel is paid for, he would have Jarvis toss it over to Fury.

But there may be complications due to the unexpected presence of his teammates. There is a chance that they will bring along another rich man to bid for them.

If so, then Tony would just have to make sure that his teammates would win the bid.

The former man smiled. This was so far the most peaceful mission Fury had ever given them. There were no guns and combat involved.

"This would probably be the most boring one yet, though", he said to himself. Despite this, he was still excited to see his teammates in formal attire.

Tony retraced his hacking procedures and made sure to wipe his tracks, then closed the laptop.

Tonight was going to be a big night.

"Tony!"

The door suddenly opened, and Rhodes barged in without warning.

The Colonel paled at the sight before him. "Oh god, put on some clothes for Pete's sake."

"Why? Don't you like my new figure?" He wiggled about to make his boobs jiggle in front of his best friend.

Rhodey paled even more. "I don't."

"Now that's just mean." He got up and wore his shirt again. "I just don't know how I cannot seduce you at all."

"Maybe it's a best friend thing. I'm immune to whatever it is you're trying to do since I've already seen you do it a thousand times."

Tony smirked. He was pretty lucky to have him for a best friend.

Rhodey took his towel from his closet in a hurry. "Look dude, there's something I need to do for my cadet team, so I need to go now."

"What about the suit extraction?"

"I'll do that first, don't worry. Just pick it up from somewhere because I am in a rush." The man entered the bathroom at top speed. From behind the door, Tony heard the man let out a small chuckle. "Good job on your first day of cleaning, by the way."

* * *

Jarvis was staring intently at the pack of mothballs that Rhodey opened just before he answered an important phone call.

He picked one up, and tried smelling it under his nose.

"Hmm…," he hummed, while inspecting the thing. "It does not smell pleasant, but it is not that repulsive either. Naphthalene is indeed a peculiar compound."

The AI was now exercising his sense of smell, since he was trying to rest his tongue. The vinegar, soy sauce, salt, chewing gum and Nerds candy really did a toll on him, and now he was kind of getting fidgety whenever he was asked to eat something.

"Hey, J."

The man looked up, and saw his master going down from the stairs with an excited look on his face.

"While Rhodey's going to do an extraction, we're going to have to get busy with the preparations for later."

"An extraction, sir?"

"Yeah, I'm going to need the suit for the auction. Rhodes is going to get the suit for me, because obviously I am not going to show anyone this new face."

Jarvis crossed his arms, and raised a brow. "The Ironman suit is not necessary for an auction, sir."

"We're going to deal with a magical jewel J. You never know what may happen in the process."

"Is it there in case you need to have to cooperate with Mr. Rogers and the others without them knowing about your transformation?"

Tony rubbed the back of his neck. "No, it's in case the jewel's magic gets out of hand and I'm going to need to neutralize its powers somehow."

Jarvis stared at him for the longest time, and this made Tony a bit uneasy. After about 5 seconds, he smiled calmly at his master. "I trust your decision, sir."

"Whatever. Anyway, we're going to have to go back to the mall today. If we're invited to some classy party-auction, we need to look like classy stuck up people."

While the two were conversing, Rhodey came down the stairs, looking ready to leave.

"Okay guys I'm going to leave the house to you. Lock the door if ever you need to leave or something." He took his keys from a bowl by the door, and looked straight at his best friend. "Also, no parties while I'm gone."

"You got it mom."

"Fuck you Tony." With that, he gently closed the door and rushed to his car.

Tony looked back at Jarvis. "We're leaving soon too. Wanna freshen up before we go?"

* * *

"I think I may have miscalculated something important, J."

"What is it, sir?"

The duo was currently standing in front of a classy boutique filled with suits of different styles. There were gray ones, white ones, but there were mostly black tuxedos. A few people were choosing among the suits, and most of them were men in their late 40's. Tony usually gets his suits custom made, but desperate times call for desperate measures. He was planning to simply buy an expensive one instead of the usual custom made, but the situation he was in made things different now.

"I forgot about the subtle change in my physique."

Jarvis smirked and raised a brow. "Subtle?"

"Shut up. It occurs to me that I may not actually need a suit this time", he said, looking more frustrated than usual.

"I agree with that, sir. Since you now possess a female body, it is most likely that for you to go undercover, you will have to put on a – "

"Don't say it."

The AI rolled his eyes and smirked, making Tony even more annoyed.

"I know what the hell I have to wear, you sarcastic, sassy program. I just have to think this through for a while."

Obviously, Tony had to wear a dress. It was quite surprising, even for him, that it took him this long to realize the problem. Again, this is one of the reasons as to why he had to keep this a secret form his friends, specifically Clint.

Since he was Mr. Stark, he managed to find a way on how to turn this embarrassment around and use it to his advantage somehow.

"If I am to wear a dress, then we need to make sure that it makes me the sexiest female at the part later."

"Of course sir."

Jarvis tried to use his organic human brain with super computer capabilities to try and imagine what his boss would look like on a variety of dresses. Meanwhile, Tony wore a frustrated face as he looked at the beautiful suits he cannot wear.

"Loki is a fucking piece of cow shit."

Tony turned to Jarvis, and he was mildly surprised to see the man with his eyes closed and head bowed down, as if he were focusing on something. The only weird thing was the obvious blush across his face.

"J, what the hell is in your mind right now?"

"Nothing in particular sir", he said with a straight face. "Have you thought of a solution to your dilemma?"

What was with the sudden change in topic? "No matter how hard I try to think of it, I cannot seem to find a way to prevent me wearing a dress…" Tony dazed off for a few seconds, but he quickly recovered and smirked at his AI.

"But you know, I think I want to try wearing a sexy-ass dress at least once in my life. And this is actually a golden opportunity given to me by the shit god."

The AI nodded and crossed his arms. It was amazing how his master could turn something embarrassing into another one of his proudest moments in life.

"But before that, we would have to get you a suit."

"Sir?"

"If you were to blend in, I need you to look your best; you know, like you're one of the rich people. Those bourgeoisies won't suspect you to be a computer program if you wear a suit."

"I don't' think they would ever think of me as a computer program even in different kinds of clothing article, sir."

Tony put his finger on his lips and shushed him. "Shut up, J. Come help me find a suit for you."

Jarvis looked slightly frustrated, but he admits to himself that this may be a fun experience. Of course, he wasn't referring to their search for his own suit.

He was actually looking forward to seeing his creator in a dress, and he didn't know why.

* * *

After 30 minutes of browsing through the stuff available, Tony forced Jarvis to fit 4 different suits in the fitting room.

The man was kind of tall, so Tony had a hard time trying to find one that suits his height. He felt like a typical mom picking clothes for his spoiled son.

Well, his assumption wasn't far from the truth. Technically, Jarvis was his son.

"Sir, this is a lot of suits."

"And you are going to fit them all. If you look good in all of those, then we're buying the set."

"I can only wear one pair to the auction, sir."

"Doesn't matter. And don't keep stalling; you'll only lengthen your suffering. Hurry up and get changed."

The saleslady that helped people with fitting smiled at the both of them. Sure, it was weird how the girlfriend was being called 'sir' by his bf, but the fondness that they have for each other emitted a comforting aura.

Despite assuming that they were in a relationship, she cannot help but stare at Jarvis' perfectly made face.

When the AI finally submitted to his boss and started fitting, the saleslady approached Tony.

"So are you guys preparing for a party later, ma'am?"

Tony was caught off guard by the woman that appeared behind him. Shit, did she hear Jarvis calling him 'sir' earlier?

"Uhh yeah… it has to be formal wear, but the guy doesn't have any so I'm getting him a set."

"Oh… you two make an enviable couple, ma'am", she said, with a sincere smile.

Tony's blood drained from his face, and they both heard a weird, British cough coming from the fitting room.

"Nonono NO NO NO we are not a couple, sweetheart. He's just my… uh, cousin. Yep, he's my cousin who came to visit from England."

"Really?" she said in a fascinated tone, and she suddenly gained a weird twinkle in her eye. What the fuck was she up to, anyway?

Tony tried to stop his inner bitch. He was starting to realize what had made this woman so darn ecstatic. "Yep. But his wife and children couldn't come because of school and work. It was really a bummer for the family."

"Oh." Good. Now she sounded disappointed. One point for team Stark.

Both of them heard the fitting room open, and Jarvis came out with a confident and cool look on his calm face. "This is the first among the suits, sir."

Tony turned and nearly fell down when he saw the very eatable man in front of him. His eyes practically emphasized the darkness of the suit, and his physique was gently hugged by the tux that perfectly complimented him. It was like the suit itself felt honored to be worn by this sexy man.

"Fucking shit, J." Tony was unable to stop himself from saying that, and he felt that his female body was starting to feel very turned on. The saleslady was actually trying to sit down and remind herself that this man was freaking married. Shit, his wife was the luckiest woman in the world.

"Do you like what you see, sir?" Jarvis quoted Tony's words whenever he was about to get kinky with a woman in bed. The billionaire noticed this, and it made him blush hella hard.

"Don't fucking phrase it that way, dammit! But yeah, it suits you." It more than just suited him. It was like the suit was made to be worn by him.

The saleslady approached Jarvis confidently and rearranged his tie. "Sir, you may want to check out the other ties available in the shop… There are some that would better suit your suit." Tony felt a bit annoyed; this woman was freaking smooth with her subliminal message.

Jarvis just smiled calmly at her, then turned to Tony, who looked a bit angry.

"Should I look for another tie, sir?"

Tony sighed and waved him away. "Whatever. I'll be waiting over here while you go search."

"Alright sir, please follow me." The saleslady was more than thrilled to be seen with such a hot guy. However, Jarvis sensed Tony's dismay. Despite this, the lady managed to grab the AI and lead him to a section of different formal ties and ribbons.

The former man sat and calmed down and tried to get himself together. It was awesome to see Jarvis look extremely sharp in the different suits he wore, but the way the saleslady was drooling over him was quite annoying. Not that he was jealous. Why on earth would he be jealous?

Instead of sulking in the far corner of the shop, Tony tried to envision what would happen later that day. If everything would go according to plan, then there is a 45.7% chance that by the end of the day, he will would get Tony Jr. back. Also, Jarvis would go back to being his omnipotent program self.

But would he really want that?

His train of thought was interrupted by his phone ringing all of a sudden. He answered it right away, trying to keep his mind away from Jarvis. "So Rhodey my man, have you retrieved the – "

"Tony… we have a very, very big problem." He said, in between breaths.

* * *

 **Author's Note:**

OH GOSH IT HAS BEEN SO LOOOOOONG

I am so sorry that it took me like, months (?) to get this chapter finished. School started on August and I didn't have time for myself anymore. Plus, my laptop crashed several times and i had a hard time recovering my files /sOBSSS

I will finish this, it's just that i don't know how long i would take to write the chapters... a cheerdance competition is coming up and my team have been practicing every night and it leaves me with no energy to do stuff so I've beeen having a really hard time getting to finish stufff

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO STILL READS THIS. I LOVE YOU ALL.

Hopefully the next chapter will be up in 2-3 weeks ; v ; )/


End file.
